Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Coming from, Going to

Weight: 165.

Okay. Where did that come from? I’m a couple days late on the weigh in (see previous posts for explanation!), but, hey, I’ll take it. One pound down with two days of horrific food choices works for me.

My posts have been so negative lately. Really, I have more good days than bad. Truthfully, I have made lots of positive changes. Like:

1. last night, for instance. I stopped at the grocery store for broccoli and carrots. They had vegan carrot cake cupcakes with cream cheese frosting. I looked at them with no interest, just thought, hmm, nifty vegan treat, maybe tomorrow. What I like about this moment: I connected with my body and I didn’t fall into the dieting deprivation trap that I always find myself in and that never fails to backfire.
2. Biceps: I have them! Actual, honest to god, muscles!
3. Pilates. Connecting with breathe, control, grace, and precision. Moving from center. I’m fascinated with the body when I practice pilates. Kind of trippy how every movement is somehow related to the core.


Marla’s and Kris’s recent posts really spoke to me. They don’t seem connected, but the points I took from each are to me.

Marla wrote about how changing her attitude about exercising made the workout that much more intense. I have to agree. I admit, I was going through the motions. I know what my body likes, and when and how it likes it. It likes to sweat and lift heavy things up and down. It like to breathe, it likes to dance. I gave it what it wanted, but without really throwing myself into it. When I first started working out, I gave the movements my complete concentration, for a couple reasons: I didn’t know what I was doing and had to pay a lot of attention so I wouldn’t end up with a dumbbell landing on my foot; I was really out of shape and had to monitor my heart and breathing so I didn’t kill myself. Plus, it took all the concentration I had just to keep myself motivated to finish the workout. Now my body is much more mechanic. I’m strong, so I’m not worried I will hurt myself. Running is like breathing, it just happens.

But then it just wasn’t the same anymore. I hadn’t increased my distance or pace in a long time. I hadn’t been sore in weeks. So I slowed down. I lifted with intention and concentration. Next morning: it hurt to lift my arm over my head. And I didn’t increase the weight I was lifting. While running, I focused on deliberate speed increases and decreases. I headed for the hills. The result: I’ve shaved some time off my standard loops.

I love this athletic side of me. I love pushing myself and enjoying my workouts. I want to be this athletic person forever! Problem: I don’t know, really, what it means to be healthy. I don’t know what a healthy relationship to food and exercise is.

This is where Kris’s post comes in! Kris wrote about how she can see herself as the person that she wants to be: fit and still able to enjoy some couch-sitting. I need a similar kind of image of myself. I have a sort of idea of how this revised me will behave: lots of exercise and movement; lots of veggies and breakfast, even when I don’t want to eat first thing in the morning. But there are a couple of things I’m not clear on: how does this person write papers? I’ve been writing and eating since high school. I was thin in high school and college. I’m not now. I don’t want to continue that behavior. But I don’t know what else to do. How will I handle emotional train wrecks? How do I balance life, food, and exercise?

Once I have these images in mind, the trick will be to act like that person I want to be. I’m sure I will come up with a million different oh-so-tragic excuses. Tragedy isn’t going anywhere. But my health will if I don’t protect it.


At 11:15 PM, Blogger Kris said...

I wish I had as clear an image of my fit-exercising self as it sounds like I do in this post!! :) Believe me, it comes and goes. (Today was a "goes" day.) The positive thing is, I have the image sometimes now, whereas was nonexistant.


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