Sunday, May 01, 2005

Ready, set

It's amazing how disconnected I am from my actual blood and bones body. I mean, I'm connected to it...but in an abstract kind of way. I have no idea what I actually look like. Nor do I have any idea what I am actually capable of physically doing. I spend much of my day denying that I have a body: working long hours at a desk so deep into my head that I forget to drink water and lose all track of time. It's little wonder, then, that my body image is distorted. And not based on anything remotely connected to reality. Case in point: after my bring-the-world-to-it's-knees attitude on Friday, and some less than ideal eating, what should happen on Saturday? It should come as no surprise: I felt like crap about myself. I put on the fat pants, even though they are huge and don't fit. I tried to convince myself that I was too fat to run. I haven't pulled out this excuse since October! (And, for the record, it did not work. Go me!) I felt puffy and bloated and lethargic all day. For no reason! It seems silly today. Today after my glorious run along the river during which I felt strong and lean. But yesterday? Yesterday it felt helpless. I actually cried last night because I somehow "knew" that I would gain it all back. Consequently, I ate off plan. I did, however, run and lift weights.

What's up with this? I'm back in my usual clothes today. Which, by the way, are still all loose. And today I feel alive and ready to tackle the last 20 pounds. I don't have any answers for the mood swings. What I learned from yesterday is that I need to do some work on my body image. I don't yet know what this work will entail. But it is essential that I get more in touch with my actual body. I think that this might be key in getting through the home stretch.

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I didn't run the race this morning, for two reasons: registration was $30 and it was only 10 miles. I certainly never thought I would ever write "only 10 miles"! My reasoning: $30 is a lot of money on my student budget. So if I'm going to shell it out, I want it to be really worth it, for something like a, gulp, half marathon.

3 Comments:

At 4:30 PM, Blogger lainb said...

Horray for not giving in to your excuse!! I was thinking just yesterday how some days feel so easy and things fall in place (i.e., I enjoy my run, I eat healthy & in-control ALL DAY, I'm in a positive, mood, etc.) while other days I just feel awful (i.e., bloated, give in to unhealthy foods, skip my workout, etc.). I wish I could figure out what triggers those "good" days so I could have them EVERY day!

haha! It's funny you mentioned the race thing because I'm the same way. I REFUSE to pay to run in a race for anything less than a 10K (I hate having to PAY to run, period). Therefore, I don't do all these little 3k & 5k events. I figure these heavy duty racers must shell out A LOT of money every year. I paid $65 to run in a marathon so that was my only race I could afford (as a student) for the entire year!! haha!

 
At 8:03 PM, Blogger Chris said...

Well hey there. One thought I have is that your mood swings are very likely related to your nutrition, but that's without knowing much about what you eat in a given week. I usually poke around for anything resembling spikes and drops in the glycemic index. You know, that sugars and starches thing.

Another point is that before I attacked my self-esteem issues, I had no chance in hell of staying the course with my efforts. Even with that intact, there are things that can get in the way of it. It's excellent that you work towards not slipping backwards, and that you press forward.

Celebrate yourself.

 
At 8:20 PM, Blogger M@rla said...

re not drinking enough water: I used to have the same problem. I tried setting a timer for myself to drink every hour, but I either forgot to set the timer or ignored it. I never could get past 4 or 5 glasses of water a day. Then I bought a really big glass that holds 20 ounces. time 4 or 5 glasses equals 80-100 ounces. It was that simple (I am a complete tard sometimes).

 

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