Saturday, June 04, 2005

The question is me

I can't avoid it any longer. I've denied, excused, ignored, forgot, and disowned it. I'm trying to lose weight. More like: I'm trying to lose weight? Isn't it a problem that I have to phrase that as a question instead of a declarative statement? Yeah, I thought so.

Eating is epic. That can, and will, change. Tomorrow. I'm tired, slow, puffy, and have brought back that strange sugar heartbeat that I thought was gone forever.

I am, however, still working out. I even joined a gym near the apartment where I'm staying during training. Lifting weights has been great fun. Moving beyond the little dumbbells I usually use at home has opened up a whole new world of deadlifts, squats, and benchpresses. Not to mention some serious arm muscles. I've also been experimenting with cardio machines. I tried the Precor and StairMill this morning. I'll say this: I had no idea what gym people put themselves through. The Precor woke up muscles in my butt that I never considered mine before. The StairMill is the most sadistic machine ever invented. Give me running outside anyday! But it's a nice change of pace. Most annoying: none of my hard work is rewarded. I'm logging in quality exercise time for nothing. I eat away the results.

Clothes still fit. But they won't for long if things continue this way. I know I'm stressed: suitcase living, long days on my feet, writing papers at night, seeing old friends, trying to make new ones, and driving in dc rush hour traffic. Stress won't go away. And eating doesn't help. It's a choice that I make. And I can start making different choices at any time. It's my call. I've handled life with food for as long as I can remember. But I know there are other ways. And I trust that I will find them. One day. Sooner than later.

Despite the food-fest, I've been "dating" (read: making out) lately more than I ever have before. And this "dating" has led to a "crush" (aka: actual interest in an intelligent, funny, very cute someone). Further, this crush is reciprocated. So it would seem that I should be even more motivated to get control over the eating, right? Wrong. She likes me just the way I am. Damn her! The question is, then (and of course), back to me. Do I? In other words, do I like me as is? Too easy. The kicker: Am I happy with the lifestyle that produces this body?


At 9:52 AM, Blogger M@rla said...

I'm glad to hear you're lifting in the gym - I mean, using big weights, no matter where. For me, weight lifting is the only form of exercise I almost enjoy, and boy I LOVE the results.

At 5:53 PM, Blogger lainb said...

Yay for the new love interest!! sometimes having someone else show us that they like us for JUST BEING OURSELF can help us understand that we actually ARE *good enough*. We're our own worst critics.


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