chaos in oneself

don't

Purple! Shiny! running shoes are now brown. and muddy. Because I ran today. No, I did not run yesterday. I did not take Friday for what it was, a day of rest, before moving on. I did wallow in laziness and depression Saturday, seemingly unable to move. The pouring rain outside my door might have contributed to my hibernation. But, seriously, this needs to stop. I hate when I get like that. I feel miserable. No surprise, because I treat myself miserably. Staying in bed all day does not make me feel better, it makes me feel awful. Why, then, do I do it? Why does it feel impossible to even brush my teeth? More importantly, how do I get out of it? This is not the blog for such concerns, I know, but I write about it here because I think that my exercise and eating habits are directly connected to my mental health. I will say, however, that it's been a hell of a week.

Anyway, it rained Saturday. Then poured. Then rained some more. When I woke up Sunday morning, the river had flooded its banks. But I rain anyway. Hence the shoes. I ran 9 miles, again. Even though my legs really can't take it. Plus, I let my pride get the better of me when I forced myself to catch and pass some guy. Because I'm just competitive and annoying like that.

I ran 9 miles. Then I lifted weight, just arms, at home. But tough nonetheless.

I ran 9 miles. I lifted weights. Then I went to yoga. It's wasn't that amazing this week. But good to quiet my thoughts. And I am developing a crush on my teacher.

I ate dinner. Then dessert. Then post-dinner snack. Then anything that wasn't nailed down. My appetite or hunger or want or whatever this is feels unfillable.

So great, right? So much exercise and running! But, not great. Because my goal is to move and eat with dignity. And this isn't dignified. It's not dignified to push myself to run so much more than I should. I am going to hurt myself. I'm doing it because I'm stressed out. And I'm stressed out because I don't respect myself enough to say no, to put myself first (as Krista so very well pointed out to me). All this running isn't good for me because I'm not respecting my limits. And it will backfire. Don't even get me started on my food choices.

posted by chaos @ 12:21 AM