chaos in oneself

remember

I remember it like it was yesterday. My first day. Late one Monday night, feeling depressed and lethargic and overwhelmed, I sat on my couch, eating peanut butter cups (so chocolate pretzels are actually a considerable improvement), and decided that I would set my alarm 45 mins early the next. Wake up. And go for a walk. No grand plans of gut wrenching change. Just a little earlier. For a walk. I set my walking clothes out that night. Turned off my light. And slept.

Cut to early in the next morning. A blaring alarm. A groggy would-be walker. And rain. Lots of hard, heavy, cold rain. It was that moment that I knew. Either I would go for the walk or I wouldn't. So I did. And I was cold and wet and tired. But I arrived home with a sense of accomplishment and power. Though I had tried for a couple of years to start and maintain regular exercise, it was that walk that got me on this path. This path that took me to this morning. A year later. A hard, heavy, cold rain. And me, heading out before the sun rose for an hour run/walk.

Despite it all. Despite the frustration and backsliding and confusion and struggle with making sensible food choices. I am so glad to be here. I maintain that sense of accomplishment and power. I love this athletic me. The rest will come. Or it won't. I have faith that I will continue to learn and grow and work myself through emotional and stress based binging. I also have faith that I will forever work on this. But most of all? Most of all I'm just happy and thankful for movement, sweat, muscle, and dodging raindrops way early in the morning.

*************

Mich's comment requires further comment because it's just too damn funny:

This calls for drastic action. I think you should set up an anti negative thoughts plan. Here's the idea: every time you say something negative about yourself you have to give a dollar to an organization you don't like. In your case, I suggest the Republican party. :-)

This is at once hilarious, sad, and a great idea. But do I have to start with the Republicans? Can't we go a little more middle of the road? Maybe I'll give up a day of obsessively reading about what I am convinced is a cover-up in the Ohio election? No?

Countering a constant stream of negativity is something I'm working on. It took me four years of therapy to realize that I have a very poor self-image. Imagine how long it's gonna take me to actually do something about it. Taking concrete action like this is a really great idea as it might get me more aware of it. Trouble is, I have trouble identifying negativity because I really do think it's the truth. Hence the four years.

**************

Monday: spinning, lifted upper body. Moderate weight. I haven't lifted lower body in over a week. I might not for a while. I've been doing so much leg-based cardio activity that I don't think I really need or want to further tax them with weights.

Tuesday: run/walk 1 hour. Maybe yoga tonight.

No significant binging episodes in several days.

posted by chaos @ 9:26 AM