Thursday, December 29, 2005

click

I clicked. But did she? Am I too pushy, bossy, fat, and self-absorbed for her?

*********

Lifting, spinning, and yoga yesterday. The yoga practice was amazing. We had a substitute teacher. He moved class very slowly. At first I was disappointed, thinking that I wouldn't get into a good flow if we didn't pick up the pace a little. Click. The slight slow down completely absorbed me. I focused intently on my breathe and form. While I haven't made significant progress in poses, I felt strong, confident, and graceful. Just the vibe I need before embarking on a first date.

Click. My foot feels better. It's the running that aggravates it. It's the running I love.

Click. I did not eat cookies all night. I did almost burn down the apartment steaming broccoli.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

intro

My foot still hurts.

I got a massage on Saturday and it was amazing. She worked my foot really well and said that something is definitely off. Some tendon/band thing is enlarged. She also attributes my shoulder/back thing to over-compensating for weak feet.

Healing, 101

semi-rest. This means I will not do my usual Wednesday runs. I will spin instead. I will only do ONE run longer than 1 hr a week.

Ice. And lots of it.

Ibuprofen.

If she's not healed in a couple of weeks, to the doctor I will go.

In other news, I retreat from the holidays feeling flabby and out of shape. I begin the new year wanting to change this. We'll see how/if this plays out. For now, not eating cookies ALL NIGHT long would be a significant improvement.

In other, other news. I dyed my hair! Red!

Changes are in the air. And on my head. Perhaps also in my diet?

Friday, December 23, 2005

more

Date was as bad as a first date can be. One day. I will click with another? Though Mother Dearest just told me that she named me after Queen Elizabeth. M.D. thinks the Queen was hot because she never married. The Queen never married because she never wanted to compromise her power. Then M.D. said, "That is you." But I don't *want* that to be me. I have this strong independent woman thing down. Pat. I'm ready for what's next.

Thursday: ran, 9 kicking miles!
Friday: ran 5ish miles

My sister and I were supposed to run together this morning. My sister, as I've mentioned here before, is tiny. She runs pretty regularly. But I log much, MUCH more time on the road and in the gym. And many, MANY more miles. But today, when we ran together, she left me in her dust. I found this incredibly frustrating, because I train so much harder than she does. But, still, she dusted me. I attribute this dusting to the difference between our sizes, of course. I finished the run, in her dust, in a good time nonetheless.

My foot still hurts.

Massage tomorrow!

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

short

Whoops, this would be my blog, neglected. In general, I'm feeling really on top of taking care of myself. I've moved a lot this week, eaten well, and felt good. Wait a minute, actually my self esteem took a huge blow when I approached someone who flat out rejected me. Seeing as she knew nothing about me, I can only suppose that her rejection was due to my looks. Ouch. But up and on. With a date this evening.

Saturday: ran 9ish miles, lifted in the evening. Gym was packed. Who knew that Saturday night at the gym is the place to be?

Sunday: ran 9ish miles. With lots of walking breaks. But it was such great weather, I wanted to be outside. Light, light yoga in the evening. Regular class was cancelled. About 1/2 hour.

Monday: lifting, spinning. Great class, legs felt rested after easy run on Sunday

Tuesday: ran 1 hr. Lungs hurt from ridiculous cold. Yoga.*

Wednesday: spinning, light lifting, no shoulders*

*By "yoga" I do not refer to my usual yoga practice. We did 108 sun salutations for Yoga Mala (a fundraising class). 108 sun salutations. We usually do, oh, 10. 108. In traditional Ashtanga practice, one is supposed to do a salutations only practice around the new moon and solstices because the practice is supposed to produce deep meditation, release (emotional and physical) toxins, and, if you are lucky, make the practitioner hallucinate. I slipped into a deep meditative state and brought to the surface (and worked through) a lot of physical and emotional pain. But, damn, no hallucinations. The class was packed at the start. *Two* *hours* later there were 4 of us left. I am so glad I got through it. Most studios, in my short and ill-informed experience, do not offer these classes. But, oh, how worth it.

I will, however, be sore for the rest of my life. Consequently, I did not lift shoulders today.

Friday, December 16, 2005

did

Holy mother of graduate school. Who knew I could actually produce work and turn it in? Paper (30 pgs). Done. Exams (18). Graded. I am so pleased about the paper. The fact that it is done is to be celebrated. The fact that I feel proud and excited about my work is to be shocked beyond belief.

I've been on the computer so much that I actually dislocated the "enter" key.

I did not practice yoga last night.

I did not go the gym today.

I did not eat any recognizable meals today. I did drink coffee and a latte and eat after the work was done.

I did not change out of my jammies or take a shower until.....6:30 this evening.

I did turn the paper in a day late. Does this make me a bad person? Considering my track record, isn't the fact that I did anything commendable? No?

I was feeling so bold after turning in the paper that I actually went up to a very cute woman in my coffee shop and asked her out. And she gave me her number.

I did rent a trashy movie that I am too embarrassed to admit to renting. My brain hurts.

I am worried about my shoulder/back thing. It feels like my right shoulder/back is actually dislocated, it feels so out of place and sore compared to the left side. What's up with this? How can I fix it?

I did book a massage appointment for next week.

1 (paper) down. 2 to go.

New goal: write a paper without the assistance of near constant eating. Except the last day, during which I eat nothing.

Vodka. Tonic.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

work

I've said it before. I'll say it again. I am full of crap. Er, chaos, chaos. That's it.

I am eating my way through this paper. After I was of so full of it a couple days ago. Granted, I'm not binge eating my way through this paper. In that I'm not secretly eating huge quantities of food only to feel massively guilty about it later. But I have pretty much constantly had food in my mouth since Tuesday morning. Now I'm on baby carrots. Just finished a muffin.

Considering that I want to keep at this job for a long time, I need to find a way through this problem. Now I am finishing my paper. And moving onto a snack bar.

Tuesday: ran 1 hour; practiced yoga
Wednesday: ran 7ish miles, lifted
Thursday: ran 5ish miles. Maybe yoga tonight.

If I get my paper done and get a decent start on grading.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

two

Liz. Liz. Earth to.

Repeat after me. Eating chocolate and a cupcake and dried cherries late at night, after a week of clean eating, will screw with your blood sugar levels and you will wake up lethargic and depressed.

It wasn't a binge. It was stressed graving gone overboard.

And I felt hung over when I woke up this morning. I can't eat that crap that late anymore. I did not run this morning. But the day isn't over yet.

I am frustrated with myself. I had this EXACT same experience a week or two ago. What happening to learning from my mistakes? Hm?

Coffee. Paper. Forgiveness.

Monday, December 12, 2005

it

Right now? This moment? I'm shoving quite delicious cookies in my face. Why do you ask? Oh, because you are wondering about how my new "right now, this moment" attitude is going?

Incredibly well. Yep, I just ate a couple of incredibly delicious cookies. There are more in the container. I made them last week. I have not secretly devoured them while in the bathroom. I do not feel guilty for making them or eating them. For once in my life, I feel "normal" around food. I'm eating more than I normally would try to, if I was trying to lose weight. But I feel so much more energetic. And I think my face looks thinner.

**********

Recap:

Saturday: ran 5ish miles. Sister came to visit! And I love me some sister. We had a long dinner and wine and dessert with sisterly like friends.

Sunday: ran 7ish miles. Wanted to run 9ish, but (very thin) sister knocked off early. Yoga. Dinner party with even more wine and dessert and friends.

Monday: lifting and spinning and eating and drinking. Last day of classes for the semester.

**********

It's that time again. Time to write papers. But this year I won't eat my way through them. As I have done all the years I have been writing. I certainly eat more than when I'm not writing. But I don't have an all powerful binge hidden within each paper anymore. At least, I don't think so.

More holiday parties this week. We'll see how long my face looks thinner.

Boy. Yeah. Boy. The real issue behind the queer hype. Boys like him aren't interested in girls like me. Translation: in fat girls like me.

I know. I know. I'm working on it. Imagined body will one day catch up to actual. And somewhere in there I will meet somebody that gets it.

Friday, December 09, 2005

translation

I did not, in fact, make it to spinning. I did wake up and brush my teeth. Only to decide to sleep for 5 more mins. Which became 2 more hours. But I still made it to the gym to lift and arc-train. Nice change of pace, if nothing else. My back/shoulder feels stronger. But still super tense. I need a massage! And money to pay for it!

I practiced yoga by candlelight this evening before dinner. It was lovely, peaceful, and centering. I haven't practiced on my own since joining the gym. Might be time to restart that habit. Teacher-led yoga is challenging. But ultimately I practice with spiritual motivation. Spirit is sometimes lost in translation.

I've been working all evening. The end of the semester brings even more stress than usual. I am so inspired by some of my work. In particular, Edith Stein captivates me. Prolific feminist philosopher. And doesn't get nearly enough credit. This means, of course, that I also have to learn German translation.

Priorities. I'm confused about aforementioned boy-crush. I think we flirt. I don't flirt with boys, so I'm not really sure how this works. Does it translate from queer to straight? But he knows that I'm a dyke. So I'm probably just imagining it. Right? Straight boys aren't interested in girls like me. And I probably feel this way about him because we spend a lot of time together and I'm lonely and haven't been out with a woman in almost 2 months. Ok, glad this is settled. I'm imagining the flirtation. And my feelings aren't real and will blow over. Whew. I almost started to think about him.

stop

Note to self: wearing two unsupportive sports bras does not equal one supportive bra. No, it does not.

Evidence of progress: 1) my running tights from last winter are too big. Never thought tights could be big. But they are, they literally slide down as I run. 2) I ordered new sports bras to replace the old ones. Same size. Waaayyy to big. Odd, because I'm still wearing the same size for non-workout clothes.

***********

Tuesday: I decided it was a great idea to eat a couple of cupcakes and lots of dried cherries in the afternoon. Consequently, I did not practice yoga. And I woke up on Wednesday really depressed. My moods can't handle the sugar swings. The connection between food and depression is becoming clear.

Wednesday: see aforementioned. I did run in the afternoon. And lift. So no yoga. My left foot PF was/is acting up. Stayed out very late, drank a lot. Many vegan cookies consumed.

Thursday: really, really, really cold. So cold, my lungs couldn't take it. This was my worst run in a really long time. I had to stop and walk often to make it home.

Friday: hopefully I will wake up in time for a 6am spin class and lift afterwards. It's 1:30 as I write this. I was out drinking again this evening. End of semester celebrations.

*****************

Thank you all for the super supportive comments about my decision to make this place goal. I really appreciate it. I can get down on myself about it, but ultimately I do think this is a good decision.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

best

Begin? Here! I feel so good since letting go of the previous goal. Looking into my closet without confronting clothes that I haven't fit into for years helps me release the "shoulds" and "have tos" but "haven'ts" and focus on the positive. I don't focus on what isn't. But what is. What I've done and achieved.

Which is not to say that I don't question myself. Am I giving up because it's too hard?

Compared to this weekend, I am the happiest person in the world. Hormones are a bitch. I've had such intense PMS-type symptoms the past couple of months. Which leads me to think that I'm a fertile Mertile (sp?). Like my body is just waiting to get pregnant. For about a week every month: my breasts don't sag, they plump; I fantasize about men, my sex drive soars; even my hips feel different, loose and wide. I wonder if I would have gotten pregnant already if I was straight. Best birth control in the world: queer sex. Really, the conservatives should love the queers. We don't need birth control, emergency contraception, or abortions.

**********

Sunday: ran, 9 miles. Slow. But it felt so very good.

Monday: lifting! First time in two weeks! I dropped weight and reps (3 sets of 8 reps) to give my back/shoulder a break. Spinning! First time in two weeks! Yoga! Which was great. Except that teacher put me in the spotlight again by telling the newbies to watch me. Which is fine. But I felt puffy and un-practiced and didn't want the attention.

Tuesday: it snowed last night! So this morning I went out, super early, for a 4 mile-ish run. There was light snow in the air. The sidewalks weren't shoveled yet. Little traffic. Quiet. Rare, in this city. The loop took me 15 mins longer than usual. I wasn't in my 'peak cardio zone' or whatever we are supposed to do to get 'maximum results' but I had a wonderful hour with myself and my city. Might make it to yoga again tonight. Might not.

In short, I am so proud of myself. It's crazy what a little exercise will do for my mood.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

done

Big decisions.

This is "goal." I'm done! Free! I'm here. This moment. Is it.

Thursday evening I packed up all my size 10s from long ago. Saturday I drove them to the Goodwill. I am no longer running to get back into those kick ass red pants. Because the red pants no longer belong to me. And I can't live that way anymore. I can't live berating myself for maintaining 160 for (almost) a year anymore. I can't run, lift, spin, and stretch because I'm "losing weight" anymore.

Here I am, at goal. Still overweight by BMI standards. But really healthy nonetheless. I can run. Fast and over long distances. I'm pretty strong. And my new goals will involve getting faster and stronger. But most of all, new goals will involve enjoyment. Because, frankly, I like this athletic stuff. Food, and too much of it, will come and go. Clearly, I go through cycles. Moving is here to stay.

I am sure I will continue to worry about my weight. But it's said and done. Size 10s have left the building.

*************

That said, let's recap a really shaky couple of days.

Friday: planned rest. No lifting. Big electrical issues at home. And I taught! Feminist ontology. So fun. I get to teach Monday, to continue Friday's class, as well.

Saturday: unplanned rest. Depressed, tired, overwhelmed. Went on short walk in the evening.

Sunday: woke up feeling depressed. But I'm feeling better now. It's snowy outside. Maybe a run will happen later today. Yoga will not.

Depression led to some old-school days of overeating. Wow. I'm anxious to move on. I ate a healthy breakfast/lunch this morning.