The bottom line
I'm back. I'm tired, but I'm back. I'm hung over, but I'm back.
This week has been so busy. I threw myself into school and work like there was no ground to catch me. I worked into the early morning. I lost time. And I love that. I feel so lucky to have the opportunity to give my work my heart and soul. It is, however, really draining. And crushing. When all that work isn't so well received.
Remarkable. No overeating, till tonight that is. I am really proud of myself for getting through this week without going off plan. I even kept up with the exercise. I attribute staying on plan to the suggestions that
Kris gave me. This is what I did:
1) I moved my desk to change my perspective.
2) I bought flowers for my desk.
3) I ate at regular intervals.
4) I exercised.
5) I relaxed about the whole thing.
What I discovered: it is all about pattern and attitude. I think that I couldn't get through the 'eating while writing' problem because it was a pattern--I always did the two things together. And, like I've been saying, this weight loss thing isn't so much about the technicality as it is about making significant practical and psychological changes. I did both this week. Physical: literally changing the space in which I work. Practicing light yoga. Eating often. Psychological: Consciously releasing stress about food, exercise, work and life in general. Lots of deep breathes, lots of walks, lots of dancing by myself.
Things didn't go so well today, however. Interesting that the first day off I have I don't exercise or eat well. Part of the problem is that I stayed out till 5 in the morning. To contextualize, I usually wake up at 5:15 in the morning. So when my alarm went off as I was brushing my teeth before bed, I was more than a little amused. So I am over-tired. And hung over. So I made poor food choices and didn't exercise. But I don't feel badly about it because it wasn't about hating myself or sabotaging my efforts as much as it was about taking a day off. I don't know if being so easy on myself about this wagon falling will ultimately hurt me, but right now it feels healthy.
That said, I so have not forgotten that the ex's wedding is in but 3 weeks. Shit! That'll put the fear of chocolate in a girl.
Bottom line: I feel good. My jeans are nice and loose. I feel strong and in control. Good things are happening!
A Ways Round
Oh yeah. I just ran such an incredible long run. Those little endorphin babies are flying around and I feel like I'm floating. I didn't want to. I wasn't going to. I was already reading and getting an outline together for the paper I have to write before Wednesday. Then I did. You know you are hard up for procrastination activities when you start exercising.
And it was fantastic. Perfect weather: upper 40s. Light breeze. Lots of folks out for a walk-a-thon something. Raced a great partner near the home stretch. She was yards ahead of me throughout the run. I knew that I wanted to catch her, but I wasn't confident it would happen. Slowly, I closed the gap between us. By mile 8 I was feet behind her. Mile 9: right behind. I could have passed her, but I knew a big hill was coming up and I could use that momentum to carry me past without a lot of effort. And, wouldn't you know, that's exactly what happened. But I didn't get too far ahead. I looked back as I passed some walkers and she was, literally, right there! I picked it up and it was on. We raced! And I beat her!
I know, I know, this weight loss thing is about challenging myself to become the person that I want to be and the only person I compete with is myself, blah, blah, blah, but sometimes? Sometimes it feels really good to compete with someone else. And win.
So after these two great long runs with a competitive streak, why I am so hesitant to do the half marathon next weekend? It feels like I am diving into water without knowing how deep it is. I've never run that far before and I really don't know if I can add another 3 miles to my usual 10 mile runs. But, if I could, it would be a lot of fun.
And why, if I am running fitness into the ground, am I still fooling around with the eating side of it? I'm still playing by the rules. Technically. But those rules are bent beyond recognition. I'm nothing if not really good at finding ways around authority. I can spot a weakness almost as well as I can eat myself right through a diet. I'm not using the calorie-counting software, though I do jot down what I eat. I haven't eaten "dessert" but box of cereal that I bought yesterday has somehow disappeared.
Problem: I'm still emotionally eating. And I want to find a way through this. But right now it seems like all signs point towards failure. The next couple days, with a big paper to write, should be interesting.
Kris gave me some great ideas about how to get through the writing/eating connection. I will put them to use. And report back on how it goes.
But right now? Right now it's about the run. And, damn, what a run.
Challenge Comfort
I have a list of things I want to write about. I have lists and ideas and energy. What don't I have? Time. When I first started losing weight I made a conscious decision that weight loss would come first over other things. Going to the grocery store for healthy food was more important than going to a non-required lecture, for instance. I don't have that luxury right now. Weight loss isn't number one in my world. Probably a good thing. It has become more of a habit. I get up and run in the morning because that is just what I do. Like how I brush my teeth and usually eat breakfast. Granted, I have my rebellious mornings. But for the most part, I'm getting the job done.
Which is to say, I am going through the motions. But my head isn't in it. My head is in books and papers and summer jobs. I'm not reflecting or journaling about the changes I've established and the ones that are still being incorporated. And isn't it the changes that define this game we call losing weight? It's a matter of calories in, calories out. But this equation is deceiving. It's not as easy as it sounds. To get it to work, we need to move significantly beyond our comfort zones. And these challenges requires head-work. Case in point: I've made peace with running in shorts. Because I had to. Because I refuse to give it up because I don't like how I look in them. Simple, right? Not quite. I did some heavy lifting in the self-esteem work-out room. And, like yoga, I have to keep practicing if I want to keep the esteem up.
I'm running late. Again. So much more to say about this. Another day.
The End
I hereby declare the end of a successful Dessert Challenge! I am so proud of myself it is kind of ridiculous. I started getting down on myself last night when I reviewed the week, thinking "but I didn't practice yoga at all!" and "I still ate 'too much'!" but ultimately objectivity won. Yoga was not part of the Dessert Challenge. Nor was hitting a certain calorie intake. This week was all about cleansing my system from white sugar. I did. And it feels great!
I like the rhythm of this plan, so I will continue with it, "it" being dessert once a week. This week I'm adding two new goals:
1. Track calories. The software is here. No getting around it.
2. Practice yoga once. My body needs the stretching. I was really tight during my long run on Sunday.
Speaking of long runs on Sunday, why didn't I get the memo that every runner in the city was doing some kind of race yesterday morning? I was the only non-registered runner out there. Having the racing runners around me reaffirmed my desire to enter a race. I shaved 5 minutes off my time! Just from pushing myself with the energy of the crowd. There is a half marathon in two weeks, 13 miles, but I don't know. I think the distance might be a little much. Yes, I run 10 miles (ok, more like 9.5) once a week. But I am exhausted by the end. Can I add another 3 miles (ok, 3.5) to that?
Mind Control
Getting back to a post from last week: 95% of dieters regain the weight they lose. 95%! I will not be one of them. The exercise is here to stay. And despite some horrendous off-plan-ness, I have maintained my weight. Don't get me wrong, even though I am so sick of maintaining that I could call the whole thing off, I am glad that I have, at the very least, found a way to keep myself at a sort of more healthy weight.
What is it that the 5% who successfully keep the weight the lost off? As an article in O 'zine explains, they do it with their heads. This article, "It's All in Your Head," attributes lasting weight loss to strong "left-brain" activity. That is, the more controlling, disciplined, structured, and routinized you are, the more likely you are to maintain a loss. The author suggests that the left-brain favors weight loss maintenance because it allows for the mind-numbing work of losing weight: the tracking, calorie counting, and meal planning, as well as provides a more objective outlook on the process, which, the authors proposes, will allow a dieter to notice shortcomings and not throw in the towel with an exacerbated sigh.
Carol Mithers, the author, then suggests that the key to maintaining weight loss is to cultivate the left side of one's brain through non-weight loss related activities, like alphabetizing your CDs and organizing your closet, in order to strengthen the brains ability to stick to a plan.
A lot of this article rang true for me. When I first started losing weight, I found that I had to change the way I was living my life is I was going to be successful. I had to plan when I would go to sleep, eat, exercise, study, and work. At the same time, however, what's kept me from gaining (and therefore, in my eyes, sorta successful) is that I've been flexible. I've tried losing weight before and I always gave up because I wasn't 'perfect': missed exercise, dessert, fried food would not have caused me to step back and think, as I do now, but instead would have sent me on a month long spiral of eating and not exercising. I used to be an 'all or nothing' kind of girl. So, the fact that I can have a rough time sticking to the Diet and still exercise is huge for me, significant to long-term weight control, and the reason I am still here, plugging away.
*****************
Great run this morning. Beautiful weather, chilly, no wind. I felt strong and in control. Lifted light and long sets. Sore biceps. Still on plan eating. Not tracking. Truth?: don't really care about not tracking because I feel in control.
Heads
Lotsa good stuff happening, in my head, belly, and muscles. I'll tell you this much: I turned down FREE vegan carrot cake samples. Not because one bite will destroy the Dessert Challenge, but because one bite never stops at one bite, for me. I did kickboxing this morning and went on a long walk this afternoon.
I think I'm ready for some athletic challenges. So many bloggers out there race and compete, so why can't I? I considered it a few months ago, but I thought I needed to be at goal before I could become a real athlete. But why not now? I regularly do 10 mile runs. If I was feeling really brave I might say that I am in pretty good shape. And I am just that brave! So the plan is to look into athletic events in the area.
I do best under pressure. I was meeting my exercise and diet goals, oddly, during the time of year that it should be the hardest to stick to diet and exercise programs: the holidays. But, somehow, the stress of tempting food, cold temperatures, and lots of snow kicked me into high gear and I became extra vigilant. So far, the Dessert Challenge is working similarly. Course, we'll see how it goes this weekend before calling heads or tails.
The Strength of No
I was mulling over 'Live Strong' and had a realization. I am not very good at putting myself first. I don't say 'no' to requests for my time, work, energy, or understanding. Jane, over at
Skinny Daily, writes often about how fat people often don't put themselves first and instead take care of everybody else's needs. I would read her posts and think, 'yeah, people should work on that.' And never even considered that I have this problem.
But I do! Case in point: the cookies. I was stressing out last night about finding time to bake them. Why? No one else is baking anything. I came up with different ways to get them baked, and all the options had me staying up till 3 in the morning so I had time to finish my work. And what happens when I stay up till 3? I eat to stay awake. Why should I put myself through the struggle of working through yet another binge when if I went to sleep at a reasonable hour I wouldn't have to face this possibility? And part of my problem this weekend is that I was doing two things I didn't want to do: organize and go to the wedding shower, and present at the conference.
What this means to me is that I have to expand how I define "taking care of myself" to include saying 'NO' to things I don't want to do. Saying NO is yet another way that I will create the life I want to live. NO requires strength. It is easier for me to make people happy. To do what they want me to do. But I owe it to myself to decide for myself how I will live this life.
So I will buy the cookies. I went to bed early last night. I'm eating well and exercising. I am taking care of myself. This is me, living strong.
Here and Now
From
Heather's post: "Live Strong. I do. Do you?"
Live Strong. Live Strong! Such a positive message. I admit I'm not hip with the Armstrong bracelets as I, too, avoid all things trendy. But I do love this mantra. It's positive, challenging, and inspirational. Oddly, I feel all those things now. The first week back after a weekend of crap glow. I've been on plan. I'm moving my now larger ass. I even purchased some software to track calories, though I won't start using it till next week.
I even have an excuse to go off plan tonight. I have to bake cookies. Me, night, sleep deprivation, and all things chocolate have restraining orders against each other. It just doesn't work. The plan: I will make the cookies early tomorrow morning. I'm like a wall of willpower in the morning. And if I'm questioning my ability to withhold, I'll just buy them. And pretend like I don't feel guilty.
New reasons why I want to keep on plan:
1. Wedding of the Ex in a month. The desire to look Good is strong!
2. Lots of work to do before the end of the semester. I work better when I take care of myself.
3. New job starting soon. I will hit the ground running, literally, if I'm taking care of myself.
4. This is it. This is my life. Right here, right now. Not next week or when the diet software arrive or after I bake cookies. This moment counts.
Elusive Emerging
And so I return with my tail between my legs.
I've been away. Conference for school/work and the wedding shower. And it wasn't pretty. It was sad and dark and lonely. My head, that is. I don't know what happened, or how it happened. I left with the best intentions and left without exercising or sticking to The Diet. Total off-plan-ness is not my style. I will usually at least get some exercise and at least eat vegetables. Even if they are chased with chocolate covered pretzels. Though I had some shining moments of positive choices, overall, it was bad. Like the old days kind of bad.
But it's done. I don't want to live like that. I won't live like that. I started exercising again on Sunday. I started eating better yesterday. I don't want to stop now. Although I struggle with The Diet, I really like a lot of this new way of living. And so, I challenge myself to stay with the new lifestyle changes for a week. The Dessert Challenge includes:
1) No dessert or refined flour for a week.
2) Exercise everyday. Yes, every.
3) 2 glasses of wine on the weekend.
4) Eating 3 meals a day
5) Writing down aforementioned meals.*
6) A successful Dessert Challenge will be rewarded with a new yoga CD. And maybe a cupcake.
*calories will not be totaled. This isn't designed to be a horror story. Just a tale about accountability.
******************
Man, I was scared to write that! I'm glad I did. Denial is powerful. And, reading it again, I'm kind of surprised that the "bad days" were technically only 2 days, Friday and Saturday. My head still isn't in a great place, but most of my behavior has been since Sunday. So why did it feel so scary and dark?
Good, Bad, Ugly
The good: 1. I tried on a pair of pants I haven't worn in a couple of years because they didn't fit. This morning: THEY FIT!!! I'm still scared to get on the scale because I haven't been really on plan with a guest in town, but the fit of these pants was extremely encouraging. Besides the accomplishment of just getting them on, I was interested in the new way that they fit. I remember when I used to wear them that the legs were fairly loose while the waist was a little tight. Now, the legs are a tighter and the waist is much looser. I attribute this new fit to exercise: my legs are bigger because, believe it or not, I actually have strong, muscular legs. The waist, however, is a mystery. Perhaps it is leaner because of pilates/yoga? I always feel like my legs are smaller while my waist is still pudgy.
Maybe the fit of these pants will begin to change the way that I see myself. Since losing weight and getting fit, I consistently misjudge the shape and size of my body. I try on (and wear) clothes that hang on me. I doubt I can fit into certain seats or spaces. My self-image needs to catch up with my actual body.
2. I went running and lifted this morning even though I really, really, really didn't want to and I had some great reasons as to why getting up to exercise was a bad idea. Ultimately, I decided that by exercising this morning, I at least gave myself a fighting chance to have a productive, happy day.
The Bad:3. I read last night that 95% of people gain back weight that they lose. Most depressing. My behavior, as evident, hasn't exactly been gold medal dieting behavior. I don't want to gain it back. I fell asleep before I could read the article, but I'll report back what they say about the 5% that keep it off.
The Ugly:4. It is warm. Time to retire the pants I've been running in. And wear shorts. Shorts! I bought a pair of "running shorts for the rest of us". They are much longer than traditional running shorts and not as tight. I bought an XL just for extra insurance. While it felt really good to be outside in this beautiful weather wearing shorts, I was also self-conscious. I'm still not at the place where I can wear shorts without them riding up. When I first started exercising, I always wore pants. It was kind of cold, and I was only walking. But now I'm a runner. I don't want to wear pants. And besides, it's too warm to run with pants on. Dilemma.
Corrections
Maybe that wasn’t the whole truth. Maybe I sugared coated it a little bit. Truth is, my version of eating is much different from my thin friends’ version of eating.
Point of distinction:
1) Whereas the thin ones eat to much because they simply weren’t paying enough attention or misjudged how much room they had, or really enjoyed a meal and didn’t tune into how much they did(n’t) need to eat, I make a conscious decision to eat too much. I am fully aware that I will make poor food choices and then eat too much of those choices. I sometimes also experience the thin side of overeating, like last week, when I didn’t have something to eat before my late class. I got home too hungry and ate quickly. The combination of hunger and eating too fast caused me to eat more than I should have.
2) Thin overeating seems to occur rarely. Like a handful of times a year. Reality check, people! I, on the other hand, feel victorious if I make it through a week binge-free.
3) Thin friends balance their overeating with less food at other times. My sister, for instance, made a real effort to not eat a candy bar for breakfast after her too-much-trail-mix incident. The occasional restaurant indulger doesn’t eat breakfast at all after eating out. I’m more of an “all or nothing” kind of girl.
4) There don’t seem to be patterns when thin people eat too much. Like the restaurant friend doesn’t eat too much every time she goes out alone. Just sometimes. Sister can eat reasonable portions of trail mix since eating too much of it. In contrast, I keep certain food away from me because of the hold they have on me. Similarly, I am very habitual: if I don’t eat at the kitchen table, all bets are off.
Reflecting on the difference between my behavior and thin behavior makes me feel even less sorry for myself. Next step is, of course, so much more elusive as it involves actually making the changes!
New News
Newflash: Thin people overeat.
The word is in, from several reliable sources. In the past couple of month, several of my thin friends have talked about overeating. They do it too! These are people that often eat only half of a cookie or energy bar. They leave food on their plate. They eat dessert when they want to. They seem to have no food-related issues or problems. Yet they, too, overeat. My sister, for instance. Rail thin. Runner. Nurse. Casually mentioned one day that she ate an entire bag of trail mix when she usually only eats a handful. Another day, she ate a pint of ice cream. She often eats 2 candy bars for bfast even though she knows that she should eat a balance of protein and carbs. Another friend goes to restaurants by herself for the sole intention of eating whatever she want, by herself. She doesn't plan to overeat, but it happens anyway. Another will eat box of cereal in one sitting if she isn't careful.
If thin people overeat, why am I fat and they are not? Some of these aforementioned friends don't even exercise! Meanwhile, I am lifting for .5 hr a day and running for 1.5 hours. "No fair!," I exclaim as I cross my arms and stomp my foot.
But I know the truth. It IS fair. My version of overeating is different from their version. It might start off the same: more trailmix ingested than feels good. The crucial difference: whereas my sister recognizes the uncomfortable feeling of fullness and moves on, I obsess. I convince myself that I am doomed to fail. That I will never lose weight and will gain back everything I lost. The solution, at the time, seems clear: eat to feel better! I think this is why my new relaxed attitude towards eating (or not eating, as the case may be) works sometimes. That is, I freak out because I freak myself out. Lesson: don't take it all so seriously. Learned: The thin friends aren't trying to lose weight. I, theoretically, am. Thus, if I want to continue to lose weight I have to be more conscious about what I put into my mouth.
*****************
Trip report: nothing gained, nothing lost. I worked out consistently. Eating was sub-pare, but not horrible. Great Love #1 is still in town, so I can't focus as much as I would like on exercising and The Diet, though I was able to go for a long run yesterday. Ultimate trip report: I got the job! Having a summer job releases a lot of stress for me. Not easy to convince somebody to hire me at $15/hour for 3 months. Getting rid of this stress should ultimately, encourage Good Dieting Behavior.
