work it out
Changes have been small. But significant. I incorporate some veggies everyday. And let the rest work itself out. I'm back to exercising. Because it makes me feel amazing and my day is easier and better after intentionally sweating. I even did yoga earlier this week. First time since the bike accident. And, oh, do my hamstrings feel the pain. I'm not exercising as much as I used to because I simply don't have as much free time as I once did and I choose to spend that time doing things like sleeping and eating.
I'm happy about the changes, however slight. My life feels relatively stable. And I'm okay with the fact that this newfound stability doesn't always include exercise and perfect food choices. I feel distant from trying to lose weight. And, indeed, I am. I just don't think about it much anymore. I want to, don't get me wrong. But I think I need to ride out this crazy summer before picking it up again whole-heartedly.
Blah. I don't like admitting this. But such it is. Thank you all for your encouraging comments! I sure need it.
Perhaps
"I don't want to write," I said as my too tired eyelids struggled to blink, again.
"I don't need to think about eating well or exercising anymore," I exclaimed as I washed down a piece of cake with a can of coke.
"I feel good," I thought as I unbuttoned my now tight jeans.
Haven't been exercising.
Have been eating.
Haven't been eating well.
Have been eating a lot.
Miss running.
Miss feeling alive and energetic.
My internet has been down. So has my motivation. Hence, no posts. I'm also more busy than I have ever been in my life. I work all the time. Turns out that my new job doesn't take "I'm a delicate scholar" as a reason not to work. The poor food choices, lack of exercising, and hours of work make me one tired girl. And when I am one tired girl, the last things I want to do are eat well and exercise. You can see how this cycle easily repeats itself. It's the times when I need good habits that I always revert to the old ones.
I'm giving myself lots of credit because I think this is a phase. I seem to come here again and again, usually accompanied by a lot of change in my life. And there is a whole lot of change (and a whole lot of stress) in my life now. It's only been a week. I have faith that I will find a healthier path, soon.
That said, I also worry that my acceptance of the situation is because I can't see clearly. Because I can't face the fact that I've fallen completely off the wagon, will never find my way back on, and am doomed to regain it all. And perhaps I am.
glad to
It's changed. Don't know how or why. But, suddenly, I stopped eating the world. I'm glad to be here again, glad to treat myself well, glad to let go of whatever that is. What is it? I need to figure it out. Do these cycles of eating too much come from something deep, dark, and repressed? Laziness? Or do old habits simply die hard? When will I figure it out? When will I call a ceasefire? I am so tired. So tired of dealing with it. Or am I just being too hard on myself? Holding myself up to unrealistic expectations? I don't think I am. If I were, I wouldn't be 25 pounds overweight.
I went to the gym last night to lift. Perhaps to remind me of why I lift at home, besides the out-of-my-reach cost: other people. Working out is my time to zone out, remove myself from the world and it's tensions. What I discovered is that said removal is impossible at the gym on a Monday night. But the weight, oh the weight. I will miss that bar with which I squat, deadlift, and benchpress. It really can't be replicated with a couple of girly weights in my living room. And, no matter how they annoy me, having other people around does encourage me to keep my form and focus.
I'm still running outside. It's fun (not to mention good for me) to be running through hills. Where I live is so woefully flat. Not that I consider "flat" to be "woeful" mid-run, of course. But, with perspective, hills do condition me to, well, run more hills. I've noticed an improvement in my running "speed" just in the past couple of weeks. Weee!
Once I feel more in control of my out of control eating habits, perhaps I will consider making a plan to actually attack the second half of the weight I want to lose. Or maybe I'll sign up to run a race instead. Better yet, maybe I can bust this dichotomous thinking and not see the two as mutually exclusive.
escape me
Another morning spent cursing the Precor. Seriously, what's up with this machine? It really hit me today how much I have conditioned my body to respond to certain stresses, namely running my regular routes and lifting little weights in my living room. I can run 9 miles hitting 9.5 min miles. But I can barely make it for 30 mins on this Precor machine.
The gym is not as scary as I thought it would be. Not everybody is in amazing shape, though some certainly are. It doesn't feel like a meat market. Indeed, if anything, there is too much space: nobody talks! Two things I didn't expect: first, the wide array of people that work out. I don't have many, or any, friends that exercise openly. In fact, I'm a closeted exerciser too. So I find it reassuring that so many other people enjoy a good sweat. People that seem to have lives: they are reading, listening to music, zoning out. In other words, they don't seem to be narcissistic and self-obsessed, two things that I worry of being perceived as if people know that I exercise. Second: nobody stretches. Some do a couple of toe touches, but it rarely goes past a washing machine move at the waist. I love to stretch. I haven't officially practiced yoga in ages, but I incorporate yoga poses into my daily routine: backbends, downdog, and many forward bends. What's going on with this? Are they closeted stretchers? Or do they truly not stretch? How about you?
So far, I haven't eaten wildly out of control today. But I haven't made the best food choices either. But, really, anything is an improvement at this point.
Now I have to go back to obsessing about why She isn't calling. And pour a(nother) glass of wine.
***********
Krista tagged me for this meme. I like doing them as they provide a little structured time for self-reflection.
3 names I go by:
- Liz
- Elizabeth
- bebe (my little sister's pet name for me. No, you may not.)
3 screen names I've had:
- sappho3 (I know, I know)
- chaos
- (that's it. I've never been an instant message type)
3 physical things I like about myself:
- color and shape of my eyes
- my legs
- my lips
3 parts of my heritage:
- Irish
- British
- queer (trust me)
3 things I am wearing right now:
- jeans
- very thin short sleeve pink shirt
- black tank underneath
3 favorite bands/musical artists:
(I can't pick three. I'll list the three most recently played instead)
- ani d
- beastie boys
- mazzie star
3 favorite songs:
(today)
- Recoil
- Real Love
- Hallelujah
3 things I want in a relationship:
- challenge
- comfort
- laughing so hard we cry
3 physical things about the preferred sex that appeal to me:
- the curves, all of them
- softness
- lips, all of them
3 favorite hobbies:
- running (whoa, did I just write that?)
- reading
- writing
3 Things I want to do badly right now:
- write my term papers!
- discover a way to lose weight while eating whatever I want
- obliterate homophobia
3 things that scare me:
- dependency
- wind
- always wanting more
3 of my everyday essentials:
- fresh air
- paper and pen
- movement
3 Careers you have considered or are considering:
- professor of philosophy
- social worker
- midwife
3 places you want to go on vacation:
- Thailand
- (back to) India
- Mongolia
3 kids' names you like:
(IF I have kids, I will adopt. For obvious and political reasons).
3 things you want to do before you die:
- apologize to her, really
- live with very little, close to the earth
- sleep on a thai beach
3 ways I am stereotypically a boy:
- I can look like one, when I want
- I'm not big on crying
- the problems and concerns of long hair escape me
3 ways I am stereotypically a girl:
- I eat a lot of salads, yet am (still) overweight
- I don't grunt when lifting weights
- a fabulous piece of chocolate changes everything
3 celeb crushes:
(Sorry, no crushes on celebs. Lately, I've been too busy in the corner of some bar.)
Though all memes seem to end with me, I'd like to hear from
Megan,
Mich,
Marla and/or
vj.
The question is me
I can't avoid it any longer. I've denied, excused, ignored, forgot, and disowned it. I'm trying to lose weight. More like: I'm trying to lose weight? Isn't it a problem that I have to phrase that as a question instead of a declarative statement? Yeah, I thought so.
Eating is epic. That can, and will, change. Tomorrow. I'm tired, slow, puffy, and have brought back that strange sugar heartbeat that I thought was gone forever.
I am, however, still working out. I even joined a gym near the apartment where I'm staying during training. Lifting weights has been great fun. Moving beyond the little dumbbells I usually use at home has opened up a whole new world of deadlifts, squats, and benchpresses. Not to mention some serious arm muscles. I've also been experimenting with cardio machines. I tried the Precor and StairMill this morning. I'll say this: I had no idea what gym people put themselves through. The Precor woke up muscles in my butt that I never considered mine before. The StairMill is the most sadistic machine ever invented. Give me running outside anyday! But it's a nice change of pace. Most annoying: none of my hard work is rewarded. I'm logging in quality exercise time for nothing. I eat away the results.
Clothes still fit. But they won't for long if things continue this way. I know I'm stressed: suitcase living, long days on my feet, writing papers at night, seeing old friends, trying to make new ones, and driving in dc rush hour traffic. Stress won't go away. And eating doesn't help. It's a choice that I make. And I can start making different choices at any time. It's my call. I've handled life with food for as long as I can remember. But I know there are other ways. And I trust that I will find them. One day. Sooner than later.
Despite the food-fest, I've been "dating" (read: making out) lately more than I ever have before. And this "dating" has led to a "crush" (aka: actual interest in an intelligent, funny, very cute someone). Further, this crush is reciprocated. So it would seem that I should be even more motivated to get control over the eating, right? Wrong. She likes me just the way I am. Damn her! The question is, then (and of course), back to me. Do I? In other words, do I like me as is? Too easy. The kicker: Am I happy with the lifestyle that produces this body?
