done
Exercise abounds. Lately, I am nothing if not physical. I run, spin, and stand for hours. My time spent at the gym is quality. I attended my second spinning class on Friday. And it was hard. Real, real hard. Hard like the older woman in front of me was kicking my butt. Meanwhile, my butt was cursing the hardness of the bicycle seats. Yep, the rumors you have heard are true: spinning is a workout. The cross training is good for me, no doubt. And I enjoy the change of pace. I also appreciate somebody else psyching me up instead of being my own cheerleader all the time. I'm getting into lifting again as well. I took advantage of the nice weather this morning, as well as my ONLY day off all week, to go on a long-ish run outside. There was a race happening at the same time. Looking at the people competing and pushing themselves, I wanted to be an athlete. I envisioned myself pulling it together, training to get faster, not to work off my beloved cupcakes, and being a well-fueled machine of a person.
But as my dreams ran like so many lines of sweat down my back, I realized:
I'm not. And I won't ever be. And that's ok.
Because I like to spend most of my one (did I mention that I have only ONE day off a week?) day off curled around a great book, slowly thinking through it, and (sometimes) furiously taking notes. Because I love food. I love to prepare it, share it, and eat it. Because I wasn't made to subsist on lettuce alone.
That's that. I'm done complaining, bemoaning, and sometimes getting incredible frustrated with myself because I "can't" stick to a diet. Just. Done. I will continua to eat well. I will continue to exercise.
So, tonight I had a wonderful salad with veggies from my CSA, including tomatoes so amazing I wanted to swim in them. I shaved fresh beets and topped it off with fresh corn. I grilled some tofu and made pecan raisin rolls and enjoyed it all with a glass of wine. And then there was dessert.
************
In other news, the job is working me, hard. I am consistently dehydrated and hungry with throbbing feet and a sore head and throat. In answer to
Mich's question, I teach ages 4-74, literally. The evals in question are from middle and high school students. They don't want to be there, they are usually forced to take the class by their parents. Yet their opinion of the course counts in a more quantitative way than mine?
goes
Turns out that there is actually more to do in a gym than spend oneself on the treadmill, precor, or barbells. There's this class called Spinning. Early Monday mornings. Maybe you have heard of it? I went this morning. And holy screaming thighs begging for mercy, what a great workout. I liked not having to encourage myself and make myself push harder. Sometimes having a task-master is a very good thing. I was nervous about trying something new in front of a group of people. But it was ok because the class was super small and the lights were dim, so I felt good about not making ridiculous mistakes under bright lights. Moreover, spinning requires very little actual skill. It's not like those fancy aerobics class in which one needs an MFA to get through routines. Rather, spinners simply pedal. Pedal and crank that tension wheel. Pedal and stand up, up, up. Pedal and visualize the nastiest of all difficult climbs. Youch, what a great class! Great class accompanied by all local kick ass music! Sold.
I'm still going the gym regularly. It feels really good to intentionally sweat on a regular basis. The food choices, however need some attention. This evening, for instance. This evening some part of me felt chocolate chips cookies would make an outstanding dinner. Turns out? No surprise here: they don't.
But. But! I've been collecting my end of course evaluations. And the results are getting to me. Am I a good teacher or not? Are the kids the best to judge? Even though I have to dicipline them and give them lots of homework? I am not their favorite person, but they evaluate me. Is this fair?
All new classes start tomorrow. And so much to do before then.
Papers and papers to grade.
Oh, yeah, papers to write. Too!
Plus, I'm getting eaten alive by bugs.
And so, you can see how much I NEED to eat chocolate chip cookies for dinner.
Or so the story goes.
raise
Not only did I go to the gym once. Not only did I enjoy one workout. Not only did I print off a free week coupon.
I joined a gym!
And! And!! I've been attending regularly!
I know. I know. This has only been since Tuesday. But I feel different. My body feels alive again. Like all these little capsules containing light, energy, and fluidity are firing away under my skin. I'm sore. My skin feels good from sweating. I have energy. I'm eating regularly. Granted, "regularly" is a far, far cry from any kind of weight loss food regime. I'm not counting carbs, calories, protein, or veggies. I'm just eating what feels good. This includes smoothies, lots (and lots!) of iced coffee, vodka, wraps, salads, and vegan cookies. It feels good. I feel good.
But, seriously, the news is the gym. Wow. To run in conditioned air is a blessing. Blessing to not breathe in the smog and humidity that is an east coast city summer. Blessing to be able to actually RUN and not stagger and/or walk due to complete and total exhaustion. I actually let out an audible moan when the treadmill kicked me into a cool down phase. I didn't want to stop. It felt too good.
And to that, I raise my vodka tonic high and toast, "To insanity!"
miss
I thought this weekend would be the weekend of eating to end all weekends of eating. I guess I'm slowly getting back on track. Exercise is a little more consistent. Food is a little better. I'm working really hard on my attitude: everything is not shot to hell if it's not perfect. I have an "all or nothing" mindset. Lately, and for too long, it's been more like "nothing." I don't want "all" or "nothing." I want a happy, healthy in-between. A place that isn't constant struggle or punishment. I didn't get up in time to run outside today. And I ate breakfast out, which means I've eaten too much to repeat last week's yoga session. So I am going to a gym. I am going to print off one of those free week coupons and get moving. I miss lifting weights.
open
I practiced yoga yesterday. Oh, did I practice. Once I got past the fact that my belly now extends significantly more than it did the last time I practiced, I really enjoyed it. Opening up my body, slowly and cautiously, one sun salutation at a time. I moved through the poses slowly. Because I have to. And because I wanted to. I visualized each muscle releasing, I let tension out with each deep exhale. I made a primal kind of sound with each exhale. Amazing. I actually started crying on the mat. The crying started with a down dog, the kind of down dog in which your calf muscles finally unclench and your heels magically reach the floor. And then the crying started up again while in camel pose. After this most recent dating disaster, it felt challenging and wonderful to open my heart and chest to the sky.
Course, I topped off the night with the biggest chocolate chip cookie I have ever seen. But I consider it an accomplishment that I only had one cookie and not four.
I might lift a weight or two when I finish writing this entry.
I even stopped at the local gym to get membership information.
Another job-related hazard: can't drink as much water as I should because I can't leave the class to pee. Teachers only get to pee at lunch because kids can't be left unsupervised. I had no idea. They (we) deserve more money just for the lack of bathroom breaks.
be fine
The lack of clarity and level of incoherence in the previous post is astounding. What was I thinking? Seriously, they say that junk food will rot your brain and, damn, are they ever right.
Ta-da! I'm back! I write this with irony so thick I want to smooth it on the zucchini bread I polished off yesterday. I'm ready to start thinking of making healthy food choices and getting regular exercise. Note that I said "thinking about" and not actually "doing." The distinction between thinking and doing is significant for me because I can't just dive into major lifestyle overall. I need to take it step by step. I've found my way back to some self-destructive behaviors, like not eating all day and gorging all night, not moving unless absolutely required, and keeping all of this a dark secret. To that darkness I say: Light! Oh light of the early morning walk I enjoyed before work this morning. Oh light of the refrigerator door I opened to retrieve veggies for a salad. Oh, there was no light from the freezer as I searched for a(nother) cupcake and four toaster waffles with which to wash down aforementioned salad. But, whatever.
Things have been upside-down in my world lately. I don't handle upside-down well, I regret. I've been (was?) dating somebody that I actually like(d?). Yet instead of inspiring me to treat myself well, I flip out and quietly binge when she isn't around. And the silence of this eating eats away at me and my relationships. I intend to blow off the eating as she is blowing off me. Not that I'm bitter. This dating foray made me realize just how uncomfortable I am with my body. It is so much easier to fake confidence with strangers in bars, I'll tell you that much.
My new job provides new challenges for eating well. I'm teaching, a lot, all the time. And their often literally isn't time to eat. I've been bringing fruit and nuts, but that isn't cutting it. I am so hungry by the end of the day that I eat all night. I need to figure out how to include more filling foods throughout the door. One of the many good things about teaching is that I'm not sitting all day--I'm standing. So I feel more active, even in I'm technically moving less.
I know I can do this. I know I can find my way back. I know I can take care of myself. It will be fine. I will be fine.
words words words
Holy lack of vegetables, Liz! Wow, has it been this long? Yuck, do I feel this sick? How quickly good habits fall away. I wish I had good things to report. I don't. I have all kinds of self-doubt and sabotage to talk about. So at least I'm not stumbling for words. I am, however, stumbling for the right words. Those magical words that will get me back on track. Ready to be inspired by salad again. Excited by yet another steamed vegetable. Satisfied by a good run and an apple. Lately, words simply distract. I have too many floating around me. Tempting words. Words like: Chocolate. Pretzels.
