Sunday, January 01, 2006

embrace

A year down.

It's been over a year since I lost any weight. Progress? Appears to be zero. I was feeling depressed about my seeming lack-of-progress. That familiar internal dialogue, noticing a break in my positive armor, started rubbing and rubbing against it, till the whole damn thing ripped. Leaving sparks and dust and smoke in its' wake.

OK, so it wasn't really that dramatic. Scene: Liz's head. Size 10 pants in one corner. But the corner is dark and scary and filled with binge cycles and self-loathing. Size 12 pants in opposing corner. Size 12 corner is light, some cobwebs in corners, but no huge binges sitting around.

But then I went back to last January's archives and found a post that speaks to changes I have made. Changes that exist without the recognizable drop in pounds.

I wrote:

Like how all I want to do is eat and eat and eat till I can't eat no more.

Or maybe how empty I feel, right now, and all the time. Empty imagining yet another struggle to get through a binge. Empty as yet another paper sucks all my attention and creativity dry. Empty like how powerless I feel, confronting all these negative patterns and thoughts and behaviors in my life. That I can't seem to ever change.



This was me, a year ago. And I can say with certainty that this is no longer me. I still overeat. But I rarely flat out binge. And when I do flat out binge, I'm not afraid or ashamed of myself anymore. I have perspective and am able to see binging as a behavior choice and pattern.
I don't feel empty or powerless anymore. To the contrary, I feel incredibly power*ful*. How did I confront my self-loathing? How did I take an honest look in the mirror and accept the woman reflected back? Joining a gym had a lot to do with it, methinks. It's good for me to be around other folks that like exercise and aren't super-models. Yoga, Yoga, Yoga. Taught me to embrace myself. And a special shout out to Mich, who never fails to call me on my shit.

And ended up making out with A BOY for a better part of the evening.

Not terribly shocking. Except that I'm a dyke. But that's for another blog.


I find this funny. Pattern not broken. Except that I get the connection between wanting to write about my attraction to boys in this space.

A major stress that is actually related to weight loss: I'm supposed to get together with someone I haven't seen in a very long time this weekend.

Fear confronted and released. I no longer worry about seeing people I haven't seen in a while. It is what it is.

What bugs me more than the 20 extra I'm carrying around is that I CARE that I'm carrying it. Jeez! I'm an academic. I'm in my head. I'm a feminist. I condemn and deconstruct fascist beauty standards. And I do. I have a shaved head. Piercings. Tattoos. I wear old clothes. But, I still want to be hot. Hot to my kind, at least. Hot in a hairy armpits kind of way. And sizism is alive and thriving in feminist and lesbian communities. We don't talk about it. But maybe we should.

Honestly, I'm not sure I will ever feel completely hot. But what I see now is that my perceived lack-of-hotness is not a reflection of the way I look but the way that I feel about myself. I would question my hotness no matter what my weight.
But I do feel attractive. I date and ask women out and flirt with the idea of flirting with men.

Why do I have so much self-doubt and self-sabotage around every corner?
Is "why" even the right questions?
How do I get over caring about the weight?


I doubt and sabotage when I am out of touch with myself. When I turn against myself. Yoga, blogging, gym friends, and running give me a generous spirit.
No, "why" is NOT the right question. How. Ask, "how."
I decided to get over it. Simple and elusive as that.

Happy New Year. Here's to great strides in the past year. And to looking ahead. I am so proud of how far I came this year. Next, I will focus on next year's questions and goals.

1 Comments:

At 2:17 PM, Blogger Mia Goddess said...

Now *that's* a happy year, Liz! Hope the next one brings equal joy and enlightenment, with great kindnesses to yourself. You are such an inspiration!

 

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