Tuesday, February 28, 2006

control

Oh, how I am avoiding writing about diet and exercise. Everything in my life feels out of control. Including sticking with a reasonable diet and exercise program.

Oddly, not-running has become like starting a diet used to be--"I'll not run tomorrow," I think to myself as I lace up my sneakers. I haven't been running ever day, for sure, but I did run two days again last week and I ran yesterday. To be honest, my foot feels pretty ok. I've kept the runs short and spend time every morning and evening soaking (in Epsom salt), stretching, and massaging my feet. I took two full days off entirely last week and feel ok about that too. As I think back over the week, I recognize that it was all pretty good. My exercise schedule isn't what it used to be, it is much more relaxed, but I am still healthy and still maintaining my weight. I did not do any yoga last week. This week, I would like to practice yoga twice.

Speaking of weight, my girlfriend now knows how much I weigh. We went to the health clinic a couple of weeks ago to get STI tests (for the record, yes, we are adorable little lesbians). I went first and things were moving fast and chaoticly, and I was stuck with a needle for blood, then pushed onto a scale and before I had time to take off my heavy blazer and say "don't say my weight out loud" the nurse announced it:

160

My girlfriend mock covered her ears and we laughed. I brought it up later--how does she feel having a girlfriend with 30 pounds on her? (she weighs 130). We had a good conversation and I got a lot of my issues out there. Bottom line: I am happy with how I look and the shape of my body, I think I'm attractive, and so does my girlfriend. She has been alerted to my sometimes sensitivity around body issues and has not made negative remarks since then.

Plus, I was secretly delighted with the 160 reading. In the middle of the day! With lots of water and food in me and heavy clothes on me! Not too shabby.

I guess everything IS okay diet and exercise wise. My life just doesn't look like what it used to look like. Between a new relationship and re-evaluating graduate school (yep, you read that right. That's another post.), there have been a lot of changes. I'm trying to take it all in stride.

And, not so secretly, I am pleased with the changes. I like not obsessing over working out every day and pushing, pushing, pushing myself with each workout. It's nice to scale back a little and let my body heal.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

react

Forgive me, runner-injury-gods, for I have sinned.

Though I swore off running for a month, though I dredged through two souless weeks without running, though I thought I could do it because I was not doing it so good....

I ran. I ran this week. OK, ok, I ran TWICE this week.

But, but, it's not my fault! I tried to spin. But the classes were full!* I tried to do a cardio machine, but I forgot my IPOD and I absolutely refuse to listen to the crap my gym pawns off as "music." I tried to rest, but I kept eating chocolate and bread and needed to work it off. I tried to reduce my stress, but life happens.

I ran twice this week. This will not happen again. I'm back to hobbling around my apartment. I will call the night before spinning to sign up for class. I will bring my IPOD. I will pull my diet together.

Speaking of diet, I've been kicking ass these past couple days. Gone are morning muffins. Welcome are all fruit and dried green-machine smoothies. I already feel leaner.

******

Work-out rundown (last week. previous week is too far gone). If you are looking for athletic inspiration, you won't find it here. Don't laugh, please.

Monday: um, no lifting. 45 minutes random and boring cardio
Tuesday: um, no lifting...or cardio
Wednesday: jeesh, overslept, again, missed spinning. Repentance 6 mile run (with great time...still got it)
Thursday: got it? like major muscle woes. No cardio, but lots of yoga.
Friday: spinning, lifting, walking, whew
Saturday: lots of walking, all over town
Sunday: 5 mile run. Ouch.

*******

What did I tell you? It ain't pretty. This week will be better. Much.

Next up: letting it all hang out, or, how my girl found out how much I way and my reaction.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

change

I am so sick of myself that I need to take Liz anti-biotics. I am sick of overeating. Sick of not running. Sick of not going to the gym to get some exercise, ANY exercise, just because I'm too busy pouting over not running and overeating. I am sick of worrying about my girl and wondering if she thinks I am fat. I am sick of worrying about school and feeling stuck and wanting to change but sitting here, looking at everything in my life and in the world that I want to change and feeling so overwhelmed that I just go back to bed and watch another episode of Fat Actress.

Sick of it, I tell you.

My self-indulgent, woe-is-me, attitude and behavior has GOT TO STOP. I miss routine. I miss running every morning and eating whole grains and salads and feeling healthy and fit and in control of my world. I want that back, now.

And an ex-girlfriend is coming to visit tomorrow and I'm feeling bloated and fat and out of shape and sad.

Whining will stop. Feeling sorry for myself will stop. I will live the way I want to, I will make these changes happen.

Thank you all for your thoughts on my girl and me. I want to address a couple of points.

1) Waiting till things are "better": this still makes sense to me. I'm trying to think through my responses to perceived problems before addressing them with her. I want things with her to be good. And I've found that by holding back a little of my criticism, things blow over, and actually aren't a big deal, and we are better because of it. You know? We can choose to have a good evening or a bad one. I choose good.

And I really don't want to decide how I feel about myself based on someone else's perception of me. I want my feelings of awesomeness to come from within, not from my, gulp, girlfriend.

2) This issue is her issue: You all are right on, for two reason. 1) She lost a lot of weight over the past year, and is currently losing more because of an illness. I think she is worried that when she puts on weight after getting better, I won't like her anymore. Which, of course, isn't true. I'm looking forward to her getting stronger and better. 2) She is butch. She typically likes femmes. I am neither butch or femme. By commenting on my strength, I think she is trying to make sense of me, like: ok, this girl is stronger than me, but I can still objectify her and maybe it's kinda hot that she can hold me down??. Ahem. I challenge her in many ways, one of which is my physical prowess. Your comments got it: she's trying to figure me out by putting us both in specific roles.

We've hung out the past couple of days, and there was no negative commenting about my body. We had a great anti-valentines day celebration. Full of homemade pumpkin pasta with basil and pine-nut pesto, arugala salad with pears, pecans, and homemade raspberry dressing, and homemade vanilla cookies with chocolate icing and a chocolate chip on top...to imitate a breast, of course. All cooked by me.

She gave me a card with a picture of Wittgenstein on the front, and inside she wrote, "will you be my Wittgenstein?" Get it?
***********
Gym report will be coming, someday. I don't want to face that music. My foot is feeling better, sort of. I don't want to face that music either.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

hot

Reaction, over done. Everything is fine, I think. I don't think she meant those comments in a negative way. I think that she does like my size. The issue is, duh, ME. *I* don't like my size. Granted, she does not need to make these comments as they do upset me. But, ultimately, the problem is me. She is obviously very into me, and I really like her. I do not, however, like myself too much, these days. And this is where my problem lies. I need to revel in my own awesomeness, take back my diet, keep up the non-running workouts, get some g-d-damned school work done, and build up my self esteem. With this re-found sense of awesomeness, I will be able to talk with her more directly and objectively about these comments. Because, deep down, I know that I'm attractive and not fat and quite the catch and, well hot shit.

Thank you Zara and PW for your insights and suggestions. I really appreciate the feedback and I am looking for other perspectives on the situation. I haven't brought this up with my non-electronic friends because I don't really talk about my weight struggles in real life. But maybe I should. I don't know, this new girl has really flipped me around and turned me inside out. She has a significant impact on me and my life and, frankly, I'm looking for ways out. It's intense. But I have to remember. I am hot shit. I can take it.

I love rest days. I'll update my gym progress tomorrow.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

big

The good news is that I did not eat the 3 muffins, 2 cupcakes, and the bag of cashews this evening that I wanted to eat. The bad news is that I have not been as disciplined the past, oh, solid two weeks. The situation is looking bad. I'm looking bad. I'm feeling worse.

And the girl I'm seeing doesn't help matters any. It seems like every time she opens her mouth she is commenting on my looks, or lack thereof. I present a list of her references to my body:

amazon, big, big-headed, fertile, soft, strong....

I think this is it. I'm too upset to remember. I want to cry but I'm making myself try not to care.

She asked me while we were falling asleep how I got to be this big. She told me I was strong, but not strong, muscle-y, and skinny. Strong and big. She refers to my "big head" constantly. She compares our sizes. She is, of course, much smaller.

I don't say anything. She will say that she likes me big, or something similar. And I want to crawl into a hole and die. I don't want to be perceived that way. I don't want to be the big one. I haven't said anything to her for two reasons. First, I can't really get mad at her, she's just calling it like she sees me. I AM big. But I don't want to be seen this way. Second, I don't want to let her know how much these comments hurt me. Doing so would make me vulnerable to her in way that I'm not ready for.

But they bother me. Why is she saying this? Does she want me to lose weight? She acts attracted to me. Isn't an Other supposed to make a One feel *good* about themselves? NO woman, in the history of dieting, wants to be the big one. I'm at the point where I want to stop seeing her. I'm trying to let it go because she is great and we are great. Who is missing from this list? Yeah, me, I'm not great, not great at all. Do I bring it up? Do I hope this is a phase that I will snap out of? Maybe once I start running and eating healthy and feeling skinny(er) again I won't care that she makes these comments? The comments have noticeably increased since my not-running and over-eating days. Isn't this bad?

I'm in a borderline scary depressive place now. School sucks. I haven't been doing my work. I have been hiding in my room, too overwhelmed to get out of bed. And eating my way through it all. Why am I doing this? I finally met somebody I like. I've been trying to meet somebody I like for a long time. Why am I sabotaging it?
*************
Edited: OK, I remembered two other questionable instances. One: she also referred to me as "wide." Two, she chided me for not going to spinning Wednesday morning. To contextualize, I decided not to go to spinning because I was still awake when the alarm went off. I was still awake because she woke me up, an hour after I fell asleep, because her shoulder hurt. I couldn't fall back asleep. I went to spinning.

I did not, however, make it to class this morning. I slept in.

Monday, February 06, 2006

love

To run, or not to run, is no longer the question. The question, like all good questions, presupposes and anticipates the answer. The answer is a most resounding and forceful NO. No running this week either. I think I'm looking at a solid month of recovery.

To be clear, this SUCKS.

So I didn't run at all last week. Even though I wanted to. Even though I am stressed and sad and antsy. I didn't run. And what I feared most happened. As I lost my running focus, I lost all other focus. I only went to the gym once last week.

This will change. I have to dedicate myself to activity, no matter what form this takes. Even though running is my one true love. I might have lost my true love for a month, but losing it doesn't mean that I can't date around and see what else is out there. Spinning, 4x per week. And I will try cross-training on the elliptical and see how the foot does.

Unfortunately, I haven't practiced yoga in about a month. My foot just couldn't support me without the help of my orthopedics. BUT! The good news is that I went to yoga last night! It was so super super great. The class was so warm and receiving and it turns out that most of the women there are ex-runners or forever injured runners. We did a little series of postures in honor of my foot. And I cried with our closing meditation. The foot was sore and burning last night, but was pain-free this morning.

I need moderation. I need to *ease* back into everything. My tendency is to throw myself into activity. I love it and it makes me really happy. Hence, a plan.

Sunday: spinning and yoga
Monday/Wednesday/Friday: spinning, lifting upper body, *easy* yoga at home
Tuesday/Thursday: try cross training, lift legs, pilates
Saturday: rest

I will stretch and massage my foot before getting out of bed. I will ice it. I *will* fight my way back to running health.

I can't imagine life without running. So while I anticipate not being able to run for a month, I can't fully grasp that concept. I'm taking it week by week.

This injury has me (not) running scared. Sometimes it is sore. Sometimes it tingles. Sometimes is *burns*. I really need to see a doctor. But I have the shittest of shitty health insurance. No, really, mines is worse. I'm a graduate student at a Catholic university. You do the math. I can't imagine how I could pay for all the care this foot would require. I could ask my parents. But I really don't want them to support me.

Thank you all for your supportive comments. I need them! I'm not posting here very often. I'm feeling exposed and am going through some major head banging changes. I am, however, reading everybody's blog. Even if I don't comment that often.