big
The good news is that I did not eat the 3 muffins, 2 cupcakes, and the bag of cashews this evening that I wanted to eat. The bad news is that I have not been as disciplined the past, oh, solid two weeks. The situation is looking bad. I'm looking bad. I'm feeling worse.And the girl I'm seeing doesn't help matters any. It seems like every time she opens her mouth she is commenting on my looks, or lack thereof. I present a list of her references to my body:
amazon, big, big-headed, fertile, soft, strong....
I think this is it. I'm too upset to remember. I want to cry but I'm making myself try not to care.
She asked me while we were falling asleep how I got to be this big. She told me I was strong, but not strong, muscle-y, and skinny. Strong and big. She refers to my "big head" constantly. She compares our sizes. She is, of course, much smaller.
I don't say anything. She will say that she likes me big, or something similar. And I want to crawl into a hole and die. I don't want to be perceived that way. I don't want to be the big one. I haven't said anything to her for two reasons. First, I can't really get mad at her, she's just calling it like she sees me. I AM big. But I don't want to be seen this way. Second, I don't want to let her know how much these comments hurt me. Doing so would make me vulnerable to her in way that I'm not ready for.
But they bother me. Why is she saying this? Does she want me to lose weight? She acts attracted to me. Isn't an Other supposed to make a One feel *good* about themselves? NO woman, in the history of dieting, wants to be the big one. I'm at the point where I want to stop seeing her. I'm trying to let it go because she is great and we are great. Who is missing from this list? Yeah, me, I'm not great, not great at all. Do I bring it up? Do I hope this is a phase that I will snap out of? Maybe once I start running and eating healthy and feeling skinny(er) again I won't care that she makes these comments? The comments have noticeably increased since my not-running and over-eating days. Isn't this bad?
I'm in a borderline scary depressive place now. School sucks. I haven't been doing my work. I have been hiding in my room, too overwhelmed to get out of bed. And eating my way through it all. Why am I doing this? I finally met somebody I like. I've been trying to meet somebody I like for a long time. Why am I sabotaging it?
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Edited: OK, I remembered two other questionable instances. One: she also referred to me as "wide." Two, she chided me for not going to spinning Wednesday morning. To contextualize, I decided not to go to spinning because I was still awake when the alarm went off. I was still awake because she woke me up, an hour after I fell asleep, because her shoulder hurt. I couldn't fall back asleep. I went to spinning.
I did not, however, make it to class this morning. I slept in.
posted by chaos @ 11:18 PM
3 Comments:
Oh ugh! Listen, I know you don't want to be vulnerable to this woman (I don't blame you!) until you find out her motives, but this sounds like a great reason to try turning this around a bit. My totally unasked for opinion would be to try being really curious the next time she says something and replying, in as an objective way as you can, "you say things like that a lot and I'm curious about it - am I supposed to be getting a message, or is there something you're concerned about? I'm just curious." Because the truth is nobody says things like that without a motive. It might be that she's dealing with body issues and therefore turns it around, but either way it would be good to know.
I'm sending you good vibes, that would be tough!
Oh liz, this sounds like a difficult place to be! I wish I had some good advice for you but without really knowing you both, it's hard to guess what is going on in her head. It would hurt my feelings to hear things like that, though. I empathize with you.
Do you know the number one reason why relationships fall apart? It isn't money, work, or kid problems. It's simply because one person doesn't make the other feel attractive and valued. If this girl cares about you, I hope she stops making those hurtful comments. It's up to you whether she gets a chance to work on her mistakes.
just as an outsider, this relationship does not sound very healthy. we want to surround ourselves (especially when dealing with intimate relationships) with people who build us up and help us to become better people. remember, dating & friendships are not REQUIRED...they're a choice. If this chick is totally negative energy and you feel drained because of it, remember that you have the RIGHT to CHOOSE whether to spend time with her. Don't let her manipulate your feelings and self-worth. hugs
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