chaos in oneself

change

I am so sick of myself that I need to take Liz anti-biotics. I am sick of overeating. Sick of not running. Sick of not going to the gym to get some exercise, ANY exercise, just because I'm too busy pouting over not running and overeating. I am sick of worrying about my girl and wondering if she thinks I am fat. I am sick of worrying about school and feeling stuck and wanting to change but sitting here, looking at everything in my life and in the world that I want to change and feeling so overwhelmed that I just go back to bed and watch another episode of Fat Actress.

Sick of it, I tell you.

My self-indulgent, woe-is-me, attitude and behavior has GOT TO STOP. I miss routine. I miss running every morning and eating whole grains and salads and feeling healthy and fit and in control of my world. I want that back, now.

And an ex-girlfriend is coming to visit tomorrow and I'm feeling bloated and fat and out of shape and sad.

Whining will stop. Feeling sorry for myself will stop. I will live the way I want to, I will make these changes happen.

Thank you all for your thoughts on my girl and me. I want to address a couple of points.

1) Waiting till things are "better": this still makes sense to me. I'm trying to think through my responses to perceived problems before addressing them with her. I want things with her to be good. And I've found that by holding back a little of my criticism, things blow over, and actually aren't a big deal, and we are better because of it. You know? We can choose to have a good evening or a bad one. I choose good.

And I really don't want to decide how I feel about myself based on someone else's perception of me. I want my feelings of awesomeness to come from within, not from my, gulp, girlfriend.

2) This issue is her issue: You all are right on, for two reason. 1) She lost a lot of weight over the past year, and is currently losing more because of an illness. I think she is worried that when she puts on weight after getting better, I won't like her anymore. Which, of course, isn't true. I'm looking forward to her getting stronger and better. 2) She is butch. She typically likes femmes. I am neither butch or femme. By commenting on my strength, I think she is trying to make sense of me, like: ok, this girl is stronger than me, but I can still objectify her and maybe it's kinda hot that she can hold me down??. Ahem. I challenge her in many ways, one of which is my physical prowess. Your comments got it: she's trying to figure me out by putting us both in specific roles.

We've hung out the past couple of days, and there was no negative commenting about my body. We had a great anti-valentines day celebration. Full of homemade pumpkin pasta with basil and pine-nut pesto, arugala salad with pears, pecans, and homemade raspberry dressing, and homemade vanilla cookies with chocolate icing and a chocolate chip on top...to imitate a breast, of course. All cooked by me.

She gave me a card with a picture of Wittgenstein on the front, and inside she wrote, "will you be my Wittgenstein?" Get it?
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Gym report will be coming, someday. I don't want to face that music. My foot is feeling better, sort of. I don't want to face that music either.

posted by chaos @ 10:26 AM