Saturday, February 11, 2006


Reaction, over done. Everything is fine, I think. I don't think she meant those comments in a negative way. I think that she does like my size. The issue is, duh, ME. *I* don't like my size. Granted, she does not need to make these comments as they do upset me. But, ultimately, the problem is me. She is obviously very into me, and I really like her. I do not, however, like myself too much, these days. And this is where my problem lies. I need to revel in my own awesomeness, take back my diet, keep up the non-running workouts, get some g-d-damned school work done, and build up my self esteem. With this re-found sense of awesomeness, I will be able to talk with her more directly and objectively about these comments. Because, deep down, I know that I'm attractive and not fat and quite the catch and, well hot shit.

Thank you Zara and PW for your insights and suggestions. I really appreciate the feedback and I am looking for other perspectives on the situation. I haven't brought this up with my non-electronic friends because I don't really talk about my weight struggles in real life. But maybe I should. I don't know, this new girl has really flipped me around and turned me inside out. She has a significant impact on me and my life and, frankly, I'm looking for ways out. It's intense. But I have to remember. I am hot shit. I can take it.

I love rest days. I'll update my gym progress tomorrow.


At 11:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

First, I don't think you should wait until things are "better" to be more direct. It's hard, but pushing yourself to be more direct all the time is good training. And in any case, the nagging discomfort that comes across about the girl's comments in your blog is probably going to build up, like a storm, the longer you wait.

Second, I wouldn't be too quick to assume this is all your problem, your issue. The comments are coming out of her mouth, and if they were said to me, I'd be ticked. I'd probably feel like "what the hell do you mean by that?" I mean, she's a woman, she knows very well how loaded all body comments can be, and there seems to be a lot of that here, so I'm thinking, she's got some issues of her own. And the "wide" word just sounds uncool, frankly.

Finally, one thing really stands out as a red flag here: the girl just doesn't seem to pick up on your discomfort at all. And she should have done. Even if you never said anything to her, your body language will speak volumes, and if she's sensitive to you, she should be picking that up on the radar, loud and clear. The body never lies.

At 2:45 PM, Blogger Zara said...

You *are* hot shit! :) I think it's great to focus on that for awhile! And good luck with your schoolwork. Those days are not too far behind for me and I remember all too well how stressful it can be!

At 6:04 PM, Blogger M@rla said...

Here's my take on it, although I might be way off base:

Those remarks sound to me like someone who is insecure in her own body and is looking for some kind of compliment or reassurance. I will openly admit to not having experience with the nuances of a same-sex relationship, so I might not GET IT at all, but if it was me saying those things to a guy, I would be trying to convince myself that *I* was small, petite, feminine, whatever, by pointing out the contrast between me and the big strong man. And weirdly it would have nothing to do with you, it would be all about ME ME ME. Like, she might be saying those things if you were two inches taller and 5 pounds heavier. I do understand how uncomfortable those remarks would be, but I also wonder if they really have all that much to do with your actual, real body, and more to do with her head. It's possible she's so intimidated by your wonderfulness that she's trying to build up a persona strong enough to "compete," and is doing that by trying to be your opposite. And perhaps she thinks she'd feel safer and more comfortable with a defined role like that.

At 7:05 PM, Blogger Megan said...

I agree with everyone else -- there's something going on with your girl when she makes these comments, and it's about her, not you. I bet she's trying to cast you into a role, to get a grasp on this new relationship by setting up a structure. I wouldn't be surprised if she was feeling intimidated by your intellect and was unconciously trying to diminish you in order to feel more secure. I think it would be something to bring up, but like someone said in your previous post's comments, in a casual, objective way.

The only other thing I can think of that might be prompting the regularity of these comments would be if your girl were something of a wordsmith -- a poet, a writer -- someone who likes to play with words, with language, and maybe by using all these different terms she's playing out loud, rolling out different words for the pleasure of finding new ways to describe you to herself.

And, uh, yeah, I've seen your picture. You're babelicious!

At 6:44 PM, Blogger vj said...

I think Marla hit it on the head -- this is all about her. Though yeah, she's gotta see that her remarks are making you uncomfortable, and if she's not seeing that, that's a problem. I mean, i'm not in the room and I can tell! But honey, you're hot, and remember you're hot even when you don't feel like it.


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