big
Goal reached: 145, size 10.How odd and unexpected and sneaky. My pants were snug, then perfect, then loose, now huge. I take at least two full rest days a week. For dinner tonight I polished off a huge salad, half a (cheese free) pizza, and a vegan cupcake. Washed down with a beer.
Yet when I stepped on my neurologist's scale, there it was: 144.5.
It feels like I don't really deserve this, because I didn't work for it. At all. I haven't been doing anything differently than I always do. What is it? Actually sleeping and enjoying life and not being constantly stressed out? The slow drag of worry and depression that haunt my days as I deal with the events of April? Hard to say.
And, because I didn't earn it, I worry that I won't be able to maintain it. Because it's not like I lost it by making specific concrete changes that I can now incorporate into my every day living. 145 just arrived, slowly, yet suddenly.
And it's not as good as I was hoping it would be. I'm not magically happy with my body. I really really miss my breasts and I think that my arms looked better with more weight on them and my stomach still has a substantial roll.
Despite all of this. I wanted to come here again to acknowledge that I achieved this goal, this goal of 145 and size 10. It's not a big deal. But, you know? It kind of is.
posted by chaos @ 9:25 PM
5 Comments:
it is! :)
Woohoo! I can't remember the last time I weighed 145. High school, maybe?
Nice to have you back - I hope that you are doing ok given your health challenges.
I'm so glad to see you back! And I hope you're taking care of yourself.
Hey you! So glad you posted.
It is too a big deal.
Take care of yourself and let us know how you're doing.
congratulations - it is definitely worth celebrating, whether it feels like a big deal or not. :) Hope you don't mind a stranger stopping by...
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