chaos in oneself

big

2006-07-27T21:25:00.000-04:00

Goal reached: 145, size 10.

How odd and unexpected and sneaky. My pants were snug, then perfect, then loose, now huge. I take at least two full rest days a week. For dinner tonight I polished off a huge salad, half a (cheese free) pizza, and a vegan cupcake. Washed down with a beer.

Yet when I stepped on my neurologist's scale, there it was: 144.5.

It feels like I don't really deserve this, because I didn't work for it. At all. I haven't been doing anything differently than I always do. What is it? Actually sleeping and enjoying life and not being constantly stressed out? The slow drag of worry and depression that haunt my days as I deal with the events of April? Hard to say.

And, because I didn't earn it, I worry that I won't be able to maintain it. Because it's not like I lost it by making specific concrete changes that I can now incorporate into my every day living. 145 just arrived, slowly, yet suddenly.

And it's not as good as I was hoping it would be. I'm not magically happy with my body. I really really miss my breasts and I think that my arms looked better with more weight on them and my stomach still has a substantial roll.

Despite all of this. I wanted to come here again to acknowledge that I achieved this goal, this goal of 145 and size 10. It's not a big deal. But, you know? It kind of is.

clarify

2006-04-18T20:16:00.000-04:00

It occurs to me that I should be a little more specific about my medical stuff because it really isn't that scary. Or it really doesn't have to be that scary. But it is a huge wake up call. I had optic neuritis and was hospitalized to treat it with massive amounts of steroids. While the optic neuritis was pretty bad at the start (with areas of complete blindness and loss of color) my recovery was, quite simply, fantastic. I have completely recovered my vision. Optic neuritis suggests a potential large health concern: multiple sclerosis. I'm learning that it is difficult to make an MS diagnosis, and I won't know for sure if I develop it for several years. That said, all my MRIs came back clean. I'll get the spinal tap results in a couple of weeks. And I have an appointment with a kick ass doctor who studies the connection between optic neuritis and MS. For now, I'm healing the eye trouble (with steroid tapers) and learning about MS (thank you google). The meds work me over good. But, considering, I'm feeling really good.

everything

2006-04-18T09:33:00.000-04:00

Not dead. Though it seemed like it at times. Not dead. But a new start. Quite literally, everything in my world has changed over the past month.

School: dropped out, asked back
Love: hard and good, broke up, hard and good
Health: consistent yet shocking

School took me for such a ride these past months. One of the big reasons I stopped writing here was that I had no time or energy. School occupied all of my mind and energy. I hated it and hated it but hid from the hate until I couldn't hide any longer and walked into my advisor's office and dropped out.

Love blew my mind these past months. She's rocked me, challenged me, held me, asked me, begged me. I surrendered to her, lost her, found her, trusted her.

My body has confounded and impressed me these past months. Consistent exercise and diet. Maintaining a healthy weight. Feeling alive and strong. Healing the injuries, running 8 strong miles. That night, hospitalized. Loss of vision. Emergency admit for a week. I'm out now, recovering. I don't want to go into details because I'm not ready to start processing it all. I'm on a lot of medications. I'm weak. I get really, really winded from *walking*. Seriously, walking. I thought I was taking good care of myself. I thought I found peace with my body. But still, even though I looked good, I wasn't healthy. I was always fighting my body. I don't need to focus on dieting or exercising anymore. I need to focus on love and gentle care. I need to stop pushing myself. I'm looking at potential long term complications and problems. Some of which might be managed through better nutrition (think B vitamins and omegas. Please! Start eating them now!)

After getting out of the hospital, my advisor came and asked me back to the program. Saying they would do whatever they could to get me through. Saying they wanted me. But now the question is, do I want them? I'm on medical leave for the rest of the semester. I have the time and space to reconstruct my life. But how? Where? What do I want to do? Who do I want to be?

But why am I writing this here? I don't want this journal to die an unkept death. I want to put it to rest. But, like everything else in my life right now, I'm not sure that I'm ready to let it go. I'm learning to dwell in indeterminacy. Let's start here. This journal is not focused on what I am now focused on. But that doesn't mean I have to close it forever. It doesn't mean it was worthless and a waste of time. To the contrary, looking back through my posts, I see my progress and the usefulness of what sometimes felt like a "I can't stop eating" broken record." Maybe I'll be back when my appetite returns and I can walk around without worrying about a heart attack. Maybe I'll change focus. Maybe this will stand as quiet testimony to how far I came and offer some tiny glimpses into how far I will go.

wish

2006-03-06T09:14:00.000-05:00

Oh girl, I am such a cliche. My girlfriend is out of town, and suddenly I am seeing all my friends again, feeling lonely, staying up late watching teevee, not exercising, and eating junk. I am such a cliche. Monday morning I declare, today I will change my behavior! And I will, and I already have.

This weekend was a hedonistic glow of good friends, spring break, alcohol, and kicking food (homemade tofu pad thai with fresh, fresh lime, amazing soba noodles with a coarsely ground peanut sauce, cookies, cake, hot chocolate, chocolate fondue, homemade pizza with the softest crust I have ever made). There has been no significant exercise. A lot of walking, but not full out cardio sessions. I also got a lot of homework done. But these things are neither here nor there. I'm committing to an exercise plan for the week.

Monday: spinning, lifting, yoga
Tuesday: easy short run (my foot has been doing great. It's all about birkenstocks.) Pilates, maybe in the evening. Walk to town in the afternoon.
Wednesday: lifting and spinning
Thursday: easy short run, walk in the afternoon
Friday: lifting, spinning, yoga
Saturday: off!
Sunday: spinning

I made it to yoga once last week. Not my goal, but improvement nonetheless. I've been to the gym for spinning. I didn't lift there because they are redoing the floor of my gym. But I did lift at home after class. And I've eaten a healthy breakfast of oatmeal, apple, and soymilk. I will also eat a nice lunch. I have dinner/beer plans after yoga class, but, come on, it's spring break.

*************

I can't believe Brokeback Mountain didn't win. I loved that movie. It made me cry, think, love, and be grateful. Grateful that I can walk down the street holding my girlfriends hand without fear...oh, wait a minute, I can do that in certain sections of town, of my very liberal northeastern city. But I couldn't do that in many parts of the country. I've been called every name imaginable. I've survived homophobic violence. I've been ignored, fixed up with men, an listened to some really gross propositions from straight men. I listen to arguments about why I should and can change. It is against the law for me to marry. My mother stiffens every time I've mentioned love. What hit me most about the 2004 election was the outright hate directed towards the queers. Before the election, I thought of homophobia as a sort of visceral, knee-jerk, ignorant reaction to something people didn't understand because they had never known gay people. But that isn't what's happening here. What happening is systematic hate. Some people want to deny me basic civil rights. They really think I, I, the girl who donates an afternoon every week to the homeless shelter across the street, who cries for cats in animal shelters, whose heart breaks over for who suffer, am evil. I can't believe Brokeback Mountain didn't win.

Edited to add:

It's not really Brokeback that got me so upset. I've been thinking and reading a lot this weekend, and all of it seems to be piling up on me. South Dakota, the woman killed and raped in NYC, the rape victim down south who was going to have to watch the tape of her attack, the rape victims in Libya are jailed, the history behind us, the way philosophy and theory upholds dominant power structures, the road ahead, all seemed to come down in one big disappointment when Brokeback didn't win. I haven't seen crash, but it makes me feel better to know it dealt with racism.

wrong

2006-03-04T14:13:00.000-05:00

I can't believe how much I eat and still maintain my weight. To recap, I'm not trying to lose weight anymore. I'm trying to live in balance and accept my body for what it is. I've lost around 35lbs and weigh around 155, on a good day, after a good workout, first thing in the morning, stark naked. My goal weight was 145 but I stopped trying to reach that number when it became clear to me that I just didn't want to lose the last 10 pounds. I didn't want to live constantly in a gym, constantly feeling guilty about food. I still battle bad body image and still have rough days accepting myself for not being my goal size 10. But I'm working on it.

So I'm maintaining. And living. This is what a typical living diet looks like:

breakfast: smoothie(two fruits, soymilk, green veggie powder), Lara bar, or oatmeal and Lara bar
snack: cashews, or latte, or vegan cookie of some sort
lunch: sometimes skipped, sometimes salad, sometimes latte, sometimes tofu stir-fry
snack: latte, or carrots and humos, or apple and almond butter, or cashews
dinner: salad with lots of veggies and tofu, or portebello mushroom sandwich at a bar, or soup and salad and bread, or frozen cheeseless pizza
dessert: never missed
add a couple of alcoholic beverages of sometimes, and you have yourself a day in the life of my caloric intake.

Crazy! When I was trying to lose the last 10 pounds, this is what I would eat

breakfast: scant amount of oatmeal, fruit, coffee, soymilk
snack: hah!
lunch: salad, bean salad
snack: hah!
dinner: salad, tofu
dessert: hah! alcohol: hah!

How is it possible to go from these two extremes? And, please note that I went down 5 pounds once I started eating more. I hovered at 160 for the goddamned longest time before giving up. I have also been exercising much less due to my injury and girlfriend.

Speaking of girlfriend, she is out of town for two weeks and I am on Spring Break so I will be updating much more frequently than usual. I miss her. Is this wrong? We've been seeing each other for only a couple of months and I miss her. She's become a regular at my apartment, especially on Saturday afternoons.

control

2006-02-28T09:32:00.000-05:00

Oh, how I am avoiding writing about diet and exercise. Everything in my life feels out of control. Including sticking with a reasonable diet and exercise program.

Oddly, not-running has become like starting a diet used to be--"I'll not run tomorrow," I think to myself as I lace up my sneakers. I haven't been running ever day, for sure, but I did run two days again last week and I ran yesterday. To be honest, my foot feels pretty ok. I've kept the runs short and spend time every morning and evening soaking (in Epsom salt), stretching, and massaging my feet. I took two full days off entirely last week and feel ok about that too. As I think back over the week, I recognize that it was all pretty good. My exercise schedule isn't what it used to be, it is much more relaxed, but I am still healthy and still maintaining my weight. I did not do any yoga last week. This week, I would like to practice yoga twice.

Speaking of weight, my girlfriend now knows how much I weigh. We went to the health clinic a couple of weeks ago to get STI tests (for the record, yes, we are adorable little lesbians). I went first and things were moving fast and chaoticly, and I was stuck with a needle for blood, then pushed onto a scale and before I had time to take off my heavy blazer and say "don't say my weight out loud" the nurse announced it:

160

My girlfriend mock covered her ears and we laughed. I brought it up later--how does she feel having a girlfriend with 30 pounds on her? (she weighs 130). We had a good conversation and I got a lot of my issues out there. Bottom line: I am happy with how I look and the shape of my body, I think I'm attractive, and so does my girlfriend. She has been alerted to my sometimes sensitivity around body issues and has not made negative remarks since then.

Plus, I was secretly delighted with the 160 reading. In the middle of the day! With lots of water and food in me and heavy clothes on me! Not too shabby.

I guess everything IS okay diet and exercise wise. My life just doesn't look like what it used to look like. Between a new relationship and re-evaluating graduate school (yep, you read that right. That's another post.), there have been a lot of changes. I'm trying to take it all in stride.

And, not so secretly, I am pleased with the changes. I like not obsessing over working out every day and pushing, pushing, pushing myself with each workout. It's nice to scale back a little and let my body heal.

react

2006-02-19T20:53:00.000-05:00

Forgive me, runner-injury-gods, for I have sinned.

Though I swore off running for a month, though I dredged through two souless weeks without running, though I thought I could do it because I was not doing it so good....

I ran. I ran this week. OK, ok, I ran TWICE this week.

But, but, it's not my fault! I tried to spin. But the classes were full!* I tried to do a cardio machine, but I forgot my IPOD and I absolutely refuse to listen to the crap my gym pawns off as "music." I tried to rest, but I kept eating chocolate and bread and needed to work it off. I tried to reduce my stress, but life happens.

I ran twice this week. This will not happen again. I'm back to hobbling around my apartment. I will call the night before spinning to sign up for class. I will bring my IPOD. I will pull my diet together.

Speaking of diet, I've been kicking ass these past couple days. Gone are morning muffins. Welcome are all fruit and dried green-machine smoothies. I already feel leaner.

******

Work-out rundown (last week. previous week is too far gone). If you are looking for athletic inspiration, you won't find it here. Don't laugh, please.

Monday: um, no lifting. 45 minutes random and boring cardio
Tuesday: um, no lifting...or cardio
Wednesday: jeesh, overslept, again, missed spinning. Repentance 6 mile run (with great time...still got it)
Thursday: got it? like major muscle woes. No cardio, but lots of yoga.
Friday: spinning, lifting, walking, whew
Saturday: lots of walking, all over town
Sunday: 5 mile run. Ouch.

*******

What did I tell you? It ain't pretty. This week will be better. Much.

Next up: letting it all hang out, or, how my girl found out how much I way and my reaction.

change

2006-02-15T10:26:00.000-05:00

I am so sick of myself that I need to take Liz anti-biotics. I am sick of overeating. Sick of not running. Sick of not going to the gym to get some exercise, ANY exercise, just because I'm too busy pouting over not running and overeating. I am sick of worrying about my girl and wondering if she thinks I am fat. I am sick of worrying about school and feeling stuck and wanting to change but sitting here, looking at everything in my life and in the world that I want to change and feeling so overwhelmed that I just go back to bed and watch another episode of Fat Actress.

Sick of it, I tell you.

My self-indulgent, woe-is-me, attitude and behavior has GOT TO STOP. I miss routine. I miss running every morning and eating whole grains and salads and feeling healthy and fit and in control of my world. I want that back, now.

And an ex-girlfriend is coming to visit tomorrow and I'm feeling bloated and fat and out of shape and sad.

Whining will stop. Feeling sorry for myself will stop. I will live the way I want to, I will make these changes happen.

Thank you all for your thoughts on my girl and me. I want to address a couple of points.

1) Waiting till things are "better": this still makes sense to me. I'm trying to think through my responses to perceived problems before addressing them with her. I want things with her to be good. And I've found that by holding back a little of my criticism, things blow over, and actually aren't a big deal, and we are better because of it. You know? We can choose to have a good evening or a bad one. I choose good.

And I really don't want to decide how I feel about myself based on someone else's perception of me. I want my feelings of awesomeness to come from within, not from my, gulp, girlfriend.

2) This issue is her issue: You all are right on, for two reason. 1) She lost a lot of weight over the past year, and is currently losing more because of an illness. I think she is worried that when she puts on weight after getting better, I won't like her anymore. Which, of course, isn't true. I'm looking forward to her getting stronger and better. 2) She is butch. She typically likes femmes. I am neither butch or femme. By commenting on my strength, I think she is trying to make sense of me, like: ok, this girl is stronger than me, but I can still objectify her and maybe it's kinda hot that she can hold me down??. Ahem. I challenge her in many ways, one of which is my physical prowess. Your comments got it: she's trying to figure me out by putting us both in specific roles.

We've hung out the past couple of days, and there was no negative commenting about my body. We had a great anti-valentines day celebration. Full of homemade pumpkin pasta with basil and pine-nut pesto, arugala salad with pears, pecans, and homemade raspberry dressing, and homemade vanilla cookies with chocolate icing and a chocolate chip on top...to imitate a breast, of course. All cooked by me.

She gave me a card with a picture of Wittgenstein on the front, and inside she wrote, "will you be my Wittgenstein?" Get it?
***********
Gym report will be coming, someday. I don't want to face that music. My foot is feeling better, sort of. I don't want to face that music either.

hot

2006-02-11T10:42:00.000-05:00

Reaction, over done. Everything is fine, I think. I don't think she meant those comments in a negative way. I think that she does like my size. The issue is, duh, ME. *I* don't like my size. Granted, she does not need to make these comments as they do upset me. But, ultimately, the problem is me. She is obviously very into me, and I really like her. I do not, however, like myself too much, these days. And this is where my problem lies. I need to revel in my own awesomeness, take back my diet, keep up the non-running workouts, get some g-d-damned school work done, and build up my self esteem. With this re-found sense of awesomeness, I will be able to talk with her more directly and objectively about these comments. Because, deep down, I know that I'm attractive and not fat and quite the catch and, well hot shit.

Thank you Zara and PW for your insights and suggestions. I really appreciate the feedback and I am looking for other perspectives on the situation. I haven't brought this up with my non-electronic friends because I don't really talk about my weight struggles in real life. But maybe I should. I don't know, this new girl has really flipped me around and turned me inside out. She has a significant impact on me and my life and, frankly, I'm looking for ways out. It's intense. But I have to remember. I am hot shit. I can take it.

I love rest days. I'll update my gym progress tomorrow.

big

2006-02-09T23:18:00.000-05:00

The good news is that I did not eat the 3 muffins, 2 cupcakes, and the bag of cashews this evening that I wanted to eat. The bad news is that I have not been as disciplined the past, oh, solid two weeks. The situation is looking bad. I'm looking bad. I'm feeling worse.

And the girl I'm seeing doesn't help matters any. It seems like every time she opens her mouth she is commenting on my looks, or lack thereof. I present a list of her references to my body:

amazon, big, big-headed, fertile, soft, strong....

I think this is it. I'm too upset to remember. I want to cry but I'm making myself try not to care.

She asked me while we were falling asleep how I got to be this big. She told me I was strong, but not strong, muscle-y, and skinny. Strong and big. She refers to my "big head" constantly. She compares our sizes. She is, of course, much smaller.

I don't say anything. She will say that she likes me big, or something similar. And I want to crawl into a hole and die. I don't want to be perceived that way. I don't want to be the big one. I haven't said anything to her for two reasons. First, I can't really get mad at her, she's just calling it like she sees me. I AM big. But I don't want to be seen this way. Second, I don't want to let her know how much these comments hurt me. Doing so would make me vulnerable to her in way that I'm not ready for.

But they bother me. Why is she saying this? Does she want me to lose weight? She acts attracted to me. Isn't an Other supposed to make a One feel *good* about themselves? NO woman, in the history of dieting, wants to be the big one. I'm at the point where I want to stop seeing her. I'm trying to let it go because she is great and we are great. Who is missing from this list? Yeah, me, I'm not great, not great at all. Do I bring it up? Do I hope this is a phase that I will snap out of? Maybe once I start running and eating healthy and feeling skinny(er) again I won't care that she makes these comments? The comments have noticeably increased since my not-running and over-eating days. Isn't this bad?

I'm in a borderline scary depressive place now. School sucks. I haven't been doing my work. I have been hiding in my room, too overwhelmed to get out of bed. And eating my way through it all. Why am I doing this? I finally met somebody I like. I've been trying to meet somebody I like for a long time. Why am I sabotaging it?
*************
Edited: OK, I remembered two other questionable instances. One: she also referred to me as "wide." Two, she chided me for not going to spinning Wednesday morning. To contextualize, I decided not to go to spinning because I was still awake when the alarm went off. I was still awake because she woke me up, an hour after I fell asleep, because her shoulder hurt. I couldn't fall back asleep. I went to spinning.

I did not, however, make it to class this morning. I slept in.

love

2006-02-06T09:16:00.000-05:00

To run, or not to run, is no longer the question. The question, like all good questions, presupposes and anticipates the answer. The answer is a most resounding and forceful NO. No running this week either. I think I'm looking at a solid month of recovery.

To be clear, this SUCKS.

So I didn't run at all last week. Even though I wanted to. Even though I am stressed and sad and antsy. I didn't run. And what I feared most happened. As I lost my running focus, I lost all other focus. I only went to the gym once last week.

This will change. I have to dedicate myself to activity, no matter what form this takes. Even though running is my one true love. I might have lost my true love for a month, but losing it doesn't mean that I can't date around and see what else is out there. Spinning, 4x per week. And I will try cross-training on the elliptical and see how the foot does.

Unfortunately, I haven't practiced yoga in about a month. My foot just couldn't support me without the help of my orthopedics. BUT! The good news is that I went to yoga last night! It was so super super great. The class was so warm and receiving and it turns out that most of the women there are ex-runners or forever injured runners. We did a little series of postures in honor of my foot. And I cried with our closing meditation. The foot was sore and burning last night, but was pain-free this morning.

I need moderation. I need to *ease* back into everything. My tendency is to throw myself into activity. I love it and it makes me really happy. Hence, a plan.

Sunday: spinning and yoga
Monday/Wednesday/Friday: spinning, lifting upper body, *easy* yoga at home
Tuesday/Thursday: try cross training, lift legs, pilates
Saturday: rest

I will stretch and massage my foot before getting out of bed. I will ice it. I *will* fight my way back to running health.

I can't imagine life without running. So while I anticipate not being able to run for a month, I can't fully grasp that concept. I'm taking it week by week.

This injury has me (not) running scared. Sometimes it is sore. Sometimes it tingles. Sometimes is *burns*. I really need to see a doctor. But I have the shittest of shitty health insurance. No, really, mines is worse. I'm a graduate student at a Catholic university. You do the math. I can't imagine how I could pay for all the care this foot would require. I could ask my parents. But I really don't want them to support me.

Thank you all for your supportive comments. I need them! I'm not posting here very often. I'm feeling exposed and am going through some major head banging changes. I am, however, reading everybody's blog. Even if I don't comment that often.

commit

2006-01-31T11:36:00.000-05:00

I, liz with chaos, do solemnly swear to not go running for a week. That means until next Tuesday.

My foot, or should I say feet, hurt. Bad. The usual PF with the left. And some bizarro spontaneous bruise/internal bleeding in my right. I think because I was seriously overcompensating for the weak left foot. So, that's it. No running for (at least!) a week. I will spin (seated, of course), stretch, and massage injured areas. I will rest. I can think of a million reasons why I should run. And one big one why I shouldn't: life-long running health. This won't be an easy trip. I'm downright scared of what this week will bring. But I commit. To not running. For a week.

I was pain free this morning. Felt good. Real good. To walk. Instead of hobble.

ten

2006-01-21T14:41:00.000-05:00

A thousand tiny things. Equals one held life. Pulled together this week. Living as if life has always been this, right here, this moment of eating and moving with dignity. I eat with pleasure. Healthy, for the most part. But with CG and dates and introductions to friends there is lots of beer, wine, and eating out. No binging. Exercise comes. But doesn't demand. Two complete rest days last week. My foot hurts, despite the repose. Food and exercise just aren't on my mind these days. Hence, a lack of posting.

But, but. Been weighing myself daily for about a week (not with intent. With curiosity). Coming in between 150-155. Who knew that beer, eating out, and rest would help me release a few pounds?

All of life is not so together. CG is rocky. School is hard. My friends are challenging.

I'm not sure how I got here. But I accept it.

hello

2006-01-13T09:58:00.000-05:00

Really, I should just feed every email that CG and I exchange. She asks such good questions. Yesterday, she asked me why I liked to cook.
My answer:

1. Cooking, for me, is one of the most tangible, practical ways that the whole is more than a sum of its parts. On the one hand, cooking is science. It's precision and measurements and chemistry. That is, cooking has a concreteness and a particularity that I am drawn to and that feels lacking in other parts of my life (hard to believe, I know). On the other hand, cooking is so not about the particular and calls for creativity and zest and spirit. Food takes on energy. And things that I cook taste differently according to my mood and thoughts.

2. I like taking care of people. Cooking is a tangible way to do that.

3. I like doing something else than thinking. Cooking, as aforementioned, calls for feeling and intuition. Specially when one fore goes recipes. Creativity and impulse rule.

4. I like the connection to historical femininity/woman. I love tweaking my grandma's recipes to be vegan and socially and environmentally conscious. This is decidedly postmodern. And a rejection of consumer culture that suggests I should only eat, I don't know, Slimfast, or some other pre-packaged substance that is not really "food." So it's about getting back to basics. But these basics are radically altered, of course.

5. The materiality of it. I like getting my hands in there, scooping out squash seeds and squishing dough through my fingers. It's sensual.

6. It feels subversive. Popular modern discourse suggests that women should distance ourselves from food and eating. I like challenging that.

**************

I've felt out of touch with myself for the past couple of days. I'm sitting next to myself, but I can't quite make the connection. I meditated this morning, which helped, but I'm still feeling a little down and removed. I've been mindlessly eating and am feeling puffy as a result. Why am I doing this at the start of something with this amazing woman? My foot really is getting worse, it definitely hurts this morning. I haven't practiced yoga since Sunday because I don't want to aggravate it anymore than necessary. But the lack of yoga takes its revenge on my mood and sense of self.

***************

Monday: spinning and lifting
Tuesday: running, 6 miles
Wednesday: spinning and lifting
Thursday: running, 7 miles
Friday: spinning, lifting, meditation, and hopefully some yoga

count

2006-01-11T08:40:00.000-05:00

CG (otherwise known as the Clicked Girl) asked me a really good question in the midst of our flirty emails back and forth all day yesterday. Background: I messed my knee up in college by a nasty fall. She saw the scar a couple days ago. She said:

How often/how long do you run anymore? Is your knee totally better? What do you like about it?

I said:

--Um, every other day, or so. Usually around 6 miles. Totally. Though now my foot is giving me grief.

1. Everything
2. It's my job to sit on my butt and use my head. I like not doing that sometimes
3. Clears my head, helps me focus and see clearly
4. Fresh air
5. Listening to music
6. Endorphins
7. Drinking beer and eating dessert without worrying whether my jeans will fit me
tomorrow
8. Focus on breath and sweat and pace
9. The cool clothes

"Oh running, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways"?* It was fun making this list. But ultimately makes me more frustrated by my foot. Which I am currently icing, thank you very much.

*butchered from Elizabeth Barrett Browning

I made the best quick dinner for myself last night. I put some broccoli, mushrooms, kale, and tofu into some water to steam/boil. Once it was cooked through, I added some brown rice miso and almond butter. Instant delicious meal.

date

2006-01-09T09:24:00.000-05:00

Silence. Brain, stopped. Moving through my days in a ridiculous haze of routine, stress, and a new girl. All of which challenge me in different ways. My thoughts have been far, far away from diet and exercise. But things have been good, in an auto-pilot kind of way.

I'm running. My foot still hurts. But I love my Ipod. To answer Mich's question, I prefer to run outdoors. By "prefer" I mean I would rather not eat chocolate for the rest of my life than run on a treadmill. But sometimes I do hit the 'mill: namely, when I try to do "speed" workouts. Which used to be once a week. But "speed" hurts my foot. So I replaced that workout with a spinning workout instead. I need new outdoor loops. I currently have variations on two themes: 1) running in and through Center City. 2) running in and through the Park. New loops might involve driving to another park or neighborhood. Why drive when I can roll out of bed and workout? Change of pace. And Hills. I am so sea-level. My butt gets zero work. But my thighs are like skyscrapers of strength.

I'm lifting. I am slowly, very slowly, building my strength back to where it was before my Thanksgiving back injury. I'm still not at the same weights I was. But I'm not sure that I will go back there. It could just be too much for me to handle.

I'm practicing yoga. These days, even yoga hurts my foot. So I try not to practice on the same days that I run. I love to practice, I can't give it up. I had such a great cry during yesterday's session. How can I lose that?

Tuesday: ran 1 hr. Ashtanga yoga.
Wednesday: spinning, lifting, vinyasa yoga.
Thursday: ran 6 miles
Friday: spinning, lifting, walking round town with my date.
Saturday: total, complete, beautiful indulgence. NO running, no lifting, no spinning, no yoga, no veggies. Man, what a great day.
Sunday: ran 8ish miles, Ashtanga yoga.
Monday: spinning and lifting

***************

All is not perfect with the new girl. She's amazing. We are great together. But there are problems. For the purposes of this space, there is one problem. She called me "bulky." Yep, she did. I think she meant that I am bigger than her, size wise. It's true, I am. She's 5'2" and petite. And she's butch, so I think her masculinity is threatened by my physical prowess. So I don't think that she intended to be hurtful or mean, but comments like that don't help with my self-esteem. And I start thinking that I should try to lose more weight. But even if I was a size 10, I would still be "bulky." That's just how I'm built. So....yeah. But at the same time, she also tells me that I'm gorgeous. I don't know how to read it. But I'm on the look-out for future problems.

signs

2006-01-02T19:21:00.000-05:00

What a trip to read those old posts. I don't feel like that woman anymore. I barely recognize that voice as mine. I've changed this year. And for that, I am proud. But I still don't know where to go next, what I should tackle this year. Last year's challenges emerged in process. Maybe this year's challenges will do the same.

Speaking of emerging (weak, I know. But, come on, I needed a transition!), all is well with clicked woman. She clicked, too. We clicked. It's been really fun and crazy and scary and exciting. We have an intense energy together that I can't account for intellectually. And that scares the shit out of me. I see warning signs for future problems and am not sure of anything now except that I want to see her again. But for now I am trying to relax and enjoy the tidal wave of us.

Man, I've been on a good path in terms of my eating and exercise as well.

Friday: spinning, lifting, candle-light yoga at home
Saturday: ran 8ish miles. Ipod, I love you. Danced away the night to an electronic beat. My girls, I love you all.
Sunday: patted myself on the back for escaping a hangover. Ran/walked for an hour. Walked around town with date.
Monday: since I didn't go to bed till 3am (see aforementioned un-intellectual energy) I didn't make it to spinning. I did make an hour long run through the city. And the weight room.

embrace

2006-01-01T09:21:00.000-05:00

A year down.

It's been over a year since I lost any weight. Progress? Appears to be zero. I was feeling depressed about my seeming lack-of-progress. That familiar internal dialogue, noticing a break in my positive armor, started rubbing and rubbing against it, till the whole damn thing ripped. Leaving sparks and dust and smoke in its' wake.

OK, so it wasn't really that dramatic. Scene: Liz's head. Size 10 pants in one corner. But the corner is dark and scary and filled with binge cycles and self-loathing. Size 12 pants in opposing corner. Size 12 corner is light, some cobwebs in corners, but no huge binges sitting around.

But then I went back to last January's archives and found a post that speaks to changes I have made. Changes that exist without the recognizable drop in pounds.

I wrote:

Like how all I want to do is eat and eat and eat till I can't eat no more.

Or maybe how empty I feel, right now, and all the time. Empty imagining yet another struggle to get through a binge. Empty as yet another paper sucks all my attention and creativity dry. Empty like how powerless I feel, confronting all these negative patterns and thoughts and behaviors in my life. That I can't seem to ever change.

This was me, a year ago. And I can say with certainty that this is no longer me. I still overeat. But I rarely flat out binge. And when I do flat out binge, I'm not afraid or ashamed of myself anymore. I have perspective and am able to see binging as a behavior choice and pattern.
I don't feel empty or powerless anymore. To the contrary, I feel incredibly power*ful*. How did I confront my self-loathing? How did I take an honest look in the mirror and accept the woman reflected back? Joining a gym had a lot to do with it, methinks. It's good for me to be around other folks that like exercise and aren't super-models. Yoga, Yoga, Yoga. Taught me to embrace myself. And a special shout out to Mich, who never fails to call me on my shit.

And ended up making out with A BOY for a better part of the evening.

Not terribly shocking. Except that I'm a dyke. But that's for another blog.

I find this funny. Pattern not broken. Except that I get the connection between wanting to write about my attraction to boys in this space.

A major stress that is actually related to weight loss: I'm supposed to get together with someone I haven't seen in a very long time this weekend.

Fear confronted and released. I no longer worry about seeing people I haven't seen in a while. It is what it is.

What bugs me more than the 20 extra I'm carrying around is that I CARE that I'm carrying it. Jeez! I'm an academic. I'm in my head. I'm a feminist. I condemn and deconstruct fascist beauty standards. And I do. I have a shaved head. Piercings. Tattoos. I wear old clothes. But, I still want to be hot. Hot to my kind, at least. Hot in a hairy armpits kind of way. And sizism is alive and thriving in feminist and lesbian communities. We don't talk about it. But maybe we should.

Honestly, I'm not sure I will ever feel completely hot. But what I see now is that my perceived lack-of-hotness is not a reflection of the way I look but the way that I feel about myself. I would question my hotness no matter what my weight.
But I do feel attractive. I date and ask women out and flirt with the idea of flirting with men.

Why do I have so much self-doubt and self-sabotage around every corner?
Is "why" even the right questions?
How do I get over caring about the weight?

I doubt and sabotage when I am out of touch with myself. When I turn against myself. Yoga, blogging, gym friends, and running give me a generous spirit.
No, "why" is NOT the right question. How. Ask, "how."
I decided to get over it. Simple and elusive as that.

Happy New Year. Here's to great strides in the past year. And to looking ahead. I am so proud of how far I came this year. Next, I will focus on next year's questions and goals.

click

2005-12-29T08:35:00.000-05:00

I clicked. But did she? Am I too pushy, bossy, fat, and self-absorbed for her?

*********

Lifting, spinning, and yoga yesterday. The yoga practice was amazing. We had a substitute teacher. He moved class very slowly. At first I was disappointed, thinking that I wouldn't get into a good flow if we didn't pick up the pace a little. Click. The slight slow down completely absorbed me. I focused intently on my breathe and form. While I haven't made significant progress in poses, I felt strong, confident, and graceful. Just the vibe I need before embarking on a first date.

Click. My foot feels better. It's the running that aggravates it. It's the running I love.

Click. I did not eat cookies all night. I did almost burn down the apartment steaming broccoli.

intro

2005-12-27T15:59:00.000-05:00

My foot still hurts.

I got a massage on Saturday and it was amazing. She worked my foot really well and said that something is definitely off. Some tendon/band thing is enlarged. She also attributes my shoulder/back thing to over-compensating for weak feet.

Healing, 101

semi-rest. This means I will not do my usual Wednesday runs. I will spin instead. I will only do ONE run longer than 1 hr a week.

Ice. And lots of it.

Ibuprofen.

If she's not healed in a couple of weeks, to the doctor I will go.

In other news, I retreat from the holidays feeling flabby and out of shape. I begin the new year wanting to change this. We'll see how/if this plays out. For now, not eating cookies ALL NIGHT long would be a significant improvement.

In other, other news. I dyed my hair! Red!

Changes are in the air. And on my head. Perhaps also in my diet?

2005-12-23T22:11:00.000-05:00

Date was as bad as a first date can be. One day. I will click with another? Though Mother Dearest just told me that she named me after Queen Elizabeth. M.D. thinks the Queen was hot because she never married. The Queen never married because she never wanted to compromise her power. Then M.D. said, "That is you." But I don't *want* that to be me. I have this strong independent woman thing down. Pat. I'm ready for what's next.

Thursday: ran, 9 kicking miles!
Friday: ran 5ish miles

My sister and I were supposed to run together this morning. My sister, as I've mentioned here before, is tiny. She runs pretty regularly. But I log much, MUCH more time on the road and in the gym. And many, MANY more miles. But today, when we ran together, she left me in her dust. I found this incredibly frustrating, because I train so much harder than she does. But, still, she dusted me. I attribute this dusting to the difference between our sizes, of course. I finished the run, in her dust, in a good time nonetheless.

My foot still hurts.

Massage tomorrow!

short

2005-12-21T09:27:00.000-05:00

Whoops, this would be my blog, neglected. In general, I'm feeling really on top of taking care of myself. I've moved a lot this week, eaten well, and felt good. Wait a minute, actually my self esteem took a huge blow when I approached someone who flat out rejected me. Seeing as she knew nothing about me, I can only suppose that her rejection was due to my looks. Ouch. But up and on. With a date this evening.

Saturday: ran 9ish miles, lifted in the evening. Gym was packed. Who knew that Saturday night at the gym is the place to be?

Sunday: ran 9ish miles. With lots of walking breaks. But it was such great weather, I wanted to be outside. Light, light yoga in the evening. Regular class was cancelled. About 1/2 hour.

Monday: lifting, spinning. Great class, legs felt rested after easy run on Sunday

Tuesday: ran 1 hr. Lungs hurt from ridiculous cold. Yoga.*

Wednesday: spinning, light lifting, no shoulders*

*By "yoga" I do not refer to my usual yoga practice. We did 108 sun salutations for Yoga Mala (a fundraising class). 108 sun salutations. We usually do, oh, 10. 108. In traditional Ashtanga practice, one is supposed to do a salutations only practice around the new moon and solstices because the practice is supposed to produce deep meditation, release (emotional and physical) toxins, and, if you are lucky, make the practitioner hallucinate. I slipped into a deep meditative state and brought to the surface (and worked through) a lot of physical and emotional pain. But, damn, no hallucinations. The class was packed at the start. *Two* *hours* later there were 4 of us left. I am so glad I got through it. Most studios, in my short and ill-informed experience, do not offer these classes. But, oh, how worth it.

I will, however, be sore for the rest of my life. Consequently, I did not lift shoulders today.

did

2005-12-16T21:38:00.000-05:00

Holy mother of graduate school. Who knew I could actually produce work and turn it in? Paper (30 pgs). Done. Exams (18). Graded. I am so pleased about the paper. The fact that it is done is to be celebrated. The fact that I feel proud and excited about my work is to be shocked beyond belief.

I've been on the computer so much that I actually dislocated the "enter" key.

I did not practice yoga last night.

I did not go the gym today.

I did not eat any recognizable meals today. I did drink coffee and a latte and eat after the work was done.

I did not change out of my jammies or take a shower until.....6:30 this evening.

I did turn the paper in a day late. Does this make me a bad person? Considering my track record, isn't the fact that I did anything commendable? No?

I was feeling so bold after turning in the paper that I actually went up to a very cute woman in my coffee shop and asked her out. And she gave me her number.

I did rent a trashy movie that I am too embarrassed to admit to renting. My brain hurts.

I am worried about my shoulder/back thing. It feels like my right shoulder/back is actually dislocated, it feels so out of place and sore compared to the left side. What's up with this? How can I fix it?

I did book a massage appointment for next week.

1 (paper) down. 2 to go.

New goal: write a paper without the assistance of near constant eating. Except the last day, during which I eat nothing.

Vodka. Tonic.

work

2005-12-15T13:49:00.000-05:00

I've said it before. I'll say it again. I am full of crap. Er, chaos, chaos. That's it.

I am eating my way through this paper. After I was of so full of it a couple days ago. Granted, I'm not binge eating my way through this paper. In that I'm not secretly eating huge quantities of food only to feel massively guilty about it later. But I have pretty much constantly had food in my mouth since Tuesday morning. Now I'm on baby carrots. Just finished a muffin.

Considering that I want to keep at this job for a long time, I need to find a way through this problem. Now I am finishing my paper. And moving onto a snack bar.

Tuesday: ran 1 hour; practiced yoga
Wednesday: ran 7ish miles, lifted
Thursday: ran 5ish miles. Maybe yoga tonight.

If I get my paper done and get a decent start on grading.

two

2005-12-14T10:45:00.000-05:00

Liz. Liz. Earth to.

Repeat after me. Eating chocolate and a cupcake and dried cherries late at night, after a week of clean eating, will screw with your blood sugar levels and you will wake up lethargic and depressed.

It wasn't a binge. It was stressed graving gone overboard.

And I felt hung over when I woke up this morning. I can't eat that crap that late anymore. I did not run this morning. But the day isn't over yet.

I am frustrated with myself. I had this EXACT same experience a week or two ago. What happening to learning from my mistakes? Hm?

Coffee. Paper. Forgiveness.

it

2005-12-12T22:12:00.000-05:00

Right now? This moment? I'm shoving quite delicious cookies in my face. Why do you ask? Oh, because you are wondering about how my new "right now, this moment" attitude is going?

Incredibly well. Yep, I just ate a couple of incredibly delicious cookies. There are more in the container. I made them last week. I have not secretly devoured them while in the bathroom. I do not feel guilty for making them or eating them. For once in my life, I feel "normal" around food. I'm eating more than I normally would try to, if I was trying to lose weight. But I feel so much more energetic. And I think my face looks thinner.

**********

Recap:

Saturday: ran 5ish miles. Sister came to visit! And I love me some sister. We had a long dinner and wine and dessert with sisterly like friends.

Sunday: ran 7ish miles. Wanted to run 9ish, but (very thin) sister knocked off early. Yoga. Dinner party with even more wine and dessert and friends.

Monday: lifting and spinning and eating and drinking. Last day of classes for the semester.

**********

It's that time again. Time to write papers. But this year I won't eat my way through them. As I have done all the years I have been writing. I certainly eat more than when I'm not writing. But I don't have an all powerful binge hidden within each paper anymore. At least, I don't think so.

More holiday parties this week. We'll see how long my face looks thinner.

Boy. Yeah. Boy. The real issue behind the queer hype. Boys like him aren't interested in girls like me. Translation: in fat girls like me.

I know. I know. I'm working on it. Imagined body will one day catch up to actual. And somewhere in there I will meet somebody that gets it.

translation

2005-12-09T22:55:00.000-05:00

I did not, in fact, make it to spinning. I did wake up and brush my teeth. Only to decide to sleep for 5 more mins. Which became 2 more hours. But I still made it to the gym to lift and arc-train. Nice change of pace, if nothing else. My back/shoulder feels stronger. But still super tense. I need a massage! And money to pay for it!

I practiced yoga by candlelight this evening before dinner. It was lovely, peaceful, and centering. I haven't practiced on my own since joining the gym. Might be time to restart that habit. Teacher-led yoga is challenging. But ultimately I practice with spiritual motivation. Spirit is sometimes lost in translation.

I've been working all evening. The end of the semester brings even more stress than usual. I am so inspired by some of my work. In particular, Edith Stein captivates me. Prolific feminist philosopher. And doesn't get nearly enough credit. This means, of course, that I also have to learn German translation.

Priorities. I'm confused about aforementioned boy-crush. I think we flirt. I don't flirt with boys, so I'm not really sure how this works. Does it translate from queer to straight? But he knows that I'm a dyke. So I'm probably just imagining it. Right? Straight boys aren't interested in girls like me. And I probably feel this way about him because we spend a lot of time together and I'm lonely and haven't been out with a woman in almost 2 months. Ok, glad this is settled. I'm imagining the flirtation. And my feelings aren't real and will blow over. Whew. I almost started to think about him.

stop

2005-12-09T01:24:00.000-05:00

Note to self: wearing two unsupportive sports bras does not equal one supportive bra. No, it does not.

Evidence of progress: 1) my running tights from last winter are too big. Never thought tights could be big. But they are, they literally slide down as I run. 2) I ordered new sports bras to replace the old ones. Same size. Waaayyy to big. Odd, because I'm still wearing the same size for non-workout clothes.

***********

Tuesday: I decided it was a great idea to eat a couple of cupcakes and lots of dried cherries in the afternoon. Consequently, I did not practice yoga. And I woke up on Wednesday really depressed. My moods can't handle the sugar swings. The connection between food and depression is becoming clear.

Wednesday: see aforementioned. I did run in the afternoon. And lift. So no yoga. My left foot PF was/is acting up. Stayed out very late, drank a lot. Many vegan cookies consumed.

Thursday: really, really, really cold. So cold, my lungs couldn't take it. This was my worst run in a really long time. I had to stop and walk often to make it home.

Friday: hopefully I will wake up in time for a 6am spin class and lift afterwards. It's 1:30 as I write this. I was out drinking again this evening. End of semester celebrations.

*****************

Thank you all for the super supportive comments about my decision to make this place goal. I really appreciate it. I can get down on myself about it, but ultimately I do think this is a good decision.

best

2005-12-06T09:18:00.000-05:00

Begin? Here! I feel so good since letting go of the previous goal. Looking into my closet without confronting clothes that I haven't fit into for years helps me release the "shoulds" and "have tos" but "haven'ts" and focus on the positive. I don't focus on what isn't. But what is. What I've done and achieved.

Which is not to say that I don't question myself. Am I giving up because it's too hard?

Compared to this weekend, I am the happiest person in the world. Hormones are a bitch. I've had such intense PMS-type symptoms the past couple of months. Which leads me to think that I'm a fertile Mertile (sp?). Like my body is just waiting to get pregnant. For about a week every month: my breasts don't sag, they plump; I fantasize about men, my sex drive soars; even my hips feel different, loose and wide. I wonder if I would have gotten pregnant already if I was straight. Best birth control in the world: queer sex. Really, the conservatives should love the queers. We don't need birth control, emergency contraception, or abortions.

**********

Sunday: ran, 9 miles. Slow. But it felt so very good.

Monday: lifting! First time in two weeks! I dropped weight and reps (3 sets of 8 reps) to give my back/shoulder a break. Spinning! First time in two weeks! Yoga! Which was great. Except that teacher put me in the spotlight again by telling the newbies to watch me. Which is fine. But I felt puffy and un-practiced and didn't want the attention.

Tuesday: it snowed last night! So this morning I went out, super early, for a 4 mile-ish run. There was light snow in the air. The sidewalks weren't shoveled yet. Little traffic. Quiet. Rare, in this city. The loop took me 15 mins longer than usual. I wasn't in my 'peak cardio zone' or whatever we are supposed to do to get 'maximum results' but I had a wonderful hour with myself and my city. Might make it to yoga again tonight. Might not.

In short, I am so proud of myself. It's crazy what a little exercise will do for my mood.

done

2005-12-04T12:41:00.000-05:00

Big decisions.

This is "goal." I'm done! Free! I'm here. This moment. Is it.

Thursday evening I packed up all my size 10s from long ago. Saturday I drove them to the Goodwill. I am no longer running to get back into those kick ass red pants. Because the red pants no longer belong to me. And I can't live that way anymore. I can't live berating myself for maintaining 160 for (almost) a year anymore. I can't run, lift, spin, and stretch because I'm "losing weight" anymore.

Here I am, at goal. Still overweight by BMI standards. But really healthy nonetheless. I can run. Fast and over long distances. I'm pretty strong. And my new goals will involve getting faster and stronger. But most of all, new goals will involve enjoyment. Because, frankly, I like this athletic stuff. Food, and too much of it, will come and go. Clearly, I go through cycles. Moving is here to stay.

I am sure I will continue to worry about my weight. But it's said and done. Size 10s have left the building.

*************

That said, let's recap a really shaky couple of days.

Friday: planned rest. No lifting. Big electrical issues at home. And I taught! Feminist ontology. So fun. I get to teach Monday, to continue Friday's class, as well.

Saturday: unplanned rest. Depressed, tired, overwhelmed. Went on short walk in the evening.

Sunday: woke up feeling depressed. But I'm feeling better now. It's snowy outside. Maybe a run will happen later today. Yoga will not.

Depression led to some old-school days of overeating. Wow. I'm anxious to move on. I ate a healthy breakfast/lunch this morning.

check

2005-11-30T20:21:00.000-05:00

I am scattered into a million mindless pieces thrown all over my desk. Which is to say, I am not focused. But I want to say,

Today, I ran. 40ish mins, with walking breaks.
Today, I practiced yoga! And it was painfully good.
Today, I did not lift. Friday I might.
Today, right now in fact, I am heating my back/shoulder thing.
Today I had a latte for lunch.
There is always tomorrow.

My legs are jello after getting back into running. And this after only a week off! I am so sore, it hurts to go down stairs.

I taught my neighbor how to knit last night. She's learning so fast. And while we knitted we watched the Biggest Loser finale. And I told her that I've lost around 30 pounds over the course of, gulp, a year. But she didn't laugh and think that was ridiculous. She looked at me and told me how great that was and congratulated me on making a significant lifestyle change.

Knitting and reality checks make for one happy evening.

start

2005-11-29T23:41:00.000-05:00

Mainly it's that I am full of shit.

I ran today. 6 miles. Felt good. Legs were real tight near the end. Damn, I want to practice yoga. Soon enough. I ran today.

Back/shoulder feels ok, kind of sore. I need to do more research to find out what's wrong. I also need to find a kick-ass massage therapist. The massage last week helped tremendously.

Food choices started off, but ended strong:

Breakfast: muffin and triple shot latte (large!)
"lunch": generous "slice" of poundcake, see above latte
snack: L@ra Bar
Dinner: amazing big salad piled high with veggies, tofu, cashews. cherries.

Mich, thanks for the support. I need it. The injuries are a reminder that I need balance. We aren't talking massive exercise at all. We are talking daily sessions of hard cardio--running or spinning (between 45 min-1.5 hours (long runs), lifting (30 mins), and yoga (between 1 to 1.5 hours) pretty much every day. The yoga needs to be cut back to twice a week. Max, three times. I need to build up to a more consistent practice. I need at least one day a week of recovery movement, walking, to give the legs a break. I just don't want to let go of my spinning classes. I love them. But maybe this isn't too much? I read tales of running, spinning, and swimming all in the same day on other blogs. Maybe this is where dropping some weight would help me becomes a stronger athlete? Maybe my body could withstand more strenuous activity if it had to haul around 10 less pounds?

Also, Mich, good point on the sleep issue. I don't sleep enough. I've worked myself into a mindset where anything more than 6 hours seems excessive and indulgent. I am, afterall, a student. Tonight I'm looking at 5 hours, if I'm lucky. I need to change this attitude, but it is hard to let it go. Sleeping more would probably let me cut back on the caffeine consumption a bit.

Did I mention? I ran today!

rest

2005-11-28T21:56:00.000-05:00

Why am I writing this when I have mountains of work? I need to.

I haven't exercised since Thursday.
I've been making very, very poor food decisions. Not binging. But poor, poor choices. (Somebody say not 1 but 2 grande triple shot vanilla soy lattes! with me.) No, say disturbing heart palpatations instead.
Lack of movement and yucky food are pulling me down into an emotional funk.
Which does not make eating well and exercise any easier.

My shoulder/back still hurts. But I could try to run or walk. I won't lift weights or practice yoga for the rest of the week. But this does not mean that I no longer have to move at all. No it does not.

I am sick, so sick of being injured. First the foot thing and now my back/shoulder thing. All these have me scared, annoyed, and really frustrated. I don't like being pushed into "rest" mode, especially when I have been doing so well. Now I fear I will have to backtrack to re-establish strength, flexibility, and endurance that I already worked for. Argh!

Could I have warded off these injuries with more rest days worked into my routine? I'm ashamed to admit that I don't have planned rest days, I figure that I will get the better of myself and call in sick to the gym anyway, so why plan a day off? But the fact is, I haven't been calling in. I've been doing serious workouts, spinning or running, often coupled with lifting or yoga or both, every single day of the week. I haven't pointed this out before on this blog because I didn't want to be called out on it. Because I know that I shouldn't, and can't, work out with such intensity.

What's up with that? Why haven't I been taking rest days?

I really LIKE working out. I like the way I feel afterwards. It is a quick way to feeling good and accomplished in a life where I rarely feel either.

VJ said something that made me uncomfortable, in a good way:

Part of this is just a sense of futility. Why bother looking for a new job when it'll just be more of the same, and probably a paycut? I'll still be stressed out; I'll still be self-medicating with food or drink or exercise. I think about one cow-orker who quit a few years back because he couldn't stand it any longer... and ended up back here. That could be me. On a treadmill.

Exercise as self-medicating. When I first read this, I thought, "nah." She can't mean that as a bad thing. Surely exercise isn't like over-eating or drinking. Surely it isn't. But now. Now. Why have I been exercising like crazy? Why haven't I been honest about that here? Why do I resist rest? Why does the thought of it make me crazy?

I'm scared, lonely, stressed beyond the realms of reality, lost, unhappy, disconnected, overly-sensitive. Which is the result of my tenuous position in graduate school. Except that this is how it has always been. And will be, I fear, the way I always am. Hence the resonance with VJ's treadmill analogy.

So what does this mean? Am I self-medicating? Is this a bad thing? Does it mean that I need real meds?

I was thinking that I was finally figuring things out. Finally becoming something like the person that I hope to be, in terms of food and exercise. I've significantly curtailed emotional eating and binging! I have it all! But now I wonder if I've just replaced overeating with exercise. This thought is really depressing. What the hell have I been doing? Have I made any real changes or progress in myself?

Honestly, the two things that bring me the most joy lately are exercise and eating. This seems so sad. But it's true. Exercise and eating are times during the day when I can check out and relax and escape expectations and judgment and sit back with myself and fucking let go.

Clearly, I need to work on this attitude. Great, more to work on.

this

2005-11-26T19:49:00.000-05:00

It caught me. Fatigue and stress. Ran over me when I was with the parents over Thanksgiving. Fatigue and stress coupled with a night on my mother's stoic, hard-as-a-rock, we-can't-allow-pleasure-of-any-kind bed. Which is to say that my back/shoulder is out of wack. "Out of wack" like it hurt to breathe on Thursday. I am feeling much, much better. The food-processor like "massage" on Friday helped a whole lot to break down some significant knots (feet also feel wonderful post-massage). But I'm still sore. And I haven't run in two days. I ran Thursday morning. Thinking, foolishly, that a run would "loosen me up." It did not. So I am resting. Until further notice. Which will hopefully be tomorrow because I am going out of my mind.

Rest assured that I am, however, still eating to keep up my strength.

That's a joke. Because of course I'm still eating. Of course I haven't eaten a salad in days. Because I've been in small town America.

My mother is on an all liquid diet. I am worried for her. She said that it is doctor supervised. But, still. This can't be healthy. Can it? I'm worried and sad for her. I hope that I work through my weight issues by the time I'm a grown-up. I hope I accept myself and grow some self-esteem, fast.

That's a goal. Because I'm not those things now.

I had a dream last night that my bother and sister, both younger, got engaged on the same day. I was, am, single. I do, however, have a crush on a strange boy.

That's hope. This is sarcasm.

And I think I just saw a(nother) mouse. What? Where are you getting in? I sealed up every nook and cranny of this place with steel wool. Why are you here? Why do you return? There is no food here for you. The kitchen isn't done yet. There are much nicer apartments all around us. Go hang out in one of them.
**Edited: I DID for sure just see another mouse. In my freaking toaster. The one I cleaned out right before I left. Why are you back? And how do I get rid of you? The mouse, not the toaster. The toaster is as good as gone. I just need to get up the courage to walk back into the kitchen again.

place

2005-11-20T15:38:00.000-05:00

1. I've got the bug. The marathon bug. The Philly marathon was today and it was lots of fun cheering for the runners. Oh man, I want that. Should I? Could I? To see average people turn athletes. To push the body to the beyond. I saw lots of folks that I see out on long runs around the river on the weekend. There is one group of women in particular that is always so friendly to me and they were all running together. I watched them cross the finish line. I watched them hold hands, in the air, huge smiles across their beautiful faces, and cross the finish line, together. I watched walkers finish. Something like 5 hours after the start. They are still walking. Those people are, in my opinion, the stars of the day. Anybody can run for a couple of hours. Not everybody can keep at it for 5-6 hours.

*Edited: I started this post Sunday, right after watching the marathon. Now, two days out, I no longer have the marathon bug. My body couldn't handle that kind of running, I'm sure I would get injured. And my goal is to be running when I'm 60. In other words, maintaining my health, form, and strength for a long time is more important to me than running a race.

2. With my goal "accomplished," I'm thinking of what should come next. I weigh 160 lbs. I wear a size 12 comfortably. I am physically strong. I eat, generally, well. I've been at this weight for 9 or 10 months. My body, obviously, is really happy here.

BUT. My goal is to weigh 145. To wear a size 10. I am still in the "overweight" category of BMI. I could run a lot faster if I dropped some weight. I could get into deeper yoga poses without the flab. But maybe weighing 165 just isn't an option anymore. For one thing, I'm older. For another, I have a lot more muscle now than I did then. Nonetheless, I am still overweight.

BUT. I like living this way. I like eating dessert (shock, I know). I enjoy cheap beer and whiskey shots during a queer DJ show (Saturday night). And sometimes it feels so fantastic to sit in front of the TV, watch a good movie, and snack on cashews and raisins (Friday night). I don't want to count calories or seriously restrict the amount of food that I eat. I want to challenge overeating and break bingeing cycles. When I was a size 10 I did not eat dessert. I didn't drink cheap beer. I certainly did not snack. And look at where that got me! To 190 lbs. I think I started binging in earnest when I just couldn't maintain that kind of restricted diet anymore. I felt deprived when everybody else could eat something that I couldn't.

3. Thus begins the holidays? A bad sign to begin without a goal. I need to fix this, fast. I work best when I have a vision of where I am going. My plan for the week:

Wednesday: spin, lift, head to parent's house. Ack! Several days with my size 0 sister, mother, and grandmother are enough to send anybody to her closet to devour a bag of candy. Right? The plan: bring food. Run. Breathe.
Thursday: run. enjoy dinner. I'll have the vegan turkey and salad, thank you
Friday: run
Saturday: run. Come Home!
Sunday: yoga!

4. I did a full wheel last night while practicing yoga. My first full wheel in years. I am very cautious when it comes to yoga. I don't push myself into poses unless I can almost "fall" into them. The alignment is too tricky to "push," for me. So after years of not being strong enough for wheel I suddenly, effortless, lifted myself up. I feel great this morning. My back released a lot of tension.

restore

2005-11-16T15:10:00.000-05:00

Somewhere between running, yoga poses, huge hulking shoulders, cupcakes, chocolate bars, and several days of "toast and banana diet" I found the "who gives a shit" attitude I need to step on the scale.

159

I'm a little confused. And indifferent. I don't put much stock in the number, what I really want is to drop another size. But this does offer validation that I am, in fact, finding a groove and challenging my binge-eating behavior.

Or not at all. This is the first time I've gotten on a scale since...April, I think. But, still, mini-goal (see sidebar)--achieved.

Yoga tonight. My legs are very sore. I hope we do a restorative practice. I think that we should, seeing as the full moon was a couple days ago.

beauty

2005-11-15T11:09:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, to paraphrase Judith Viorst. I won’t go into details here. I left campus feeling completely defeated, alone, stupid, exhausted, angry, angry, angry, depressed, stupid, angry, stupid, angry, stupid.... What I did not do: I did not eat away my rage. I did not seek companionship in food. I did not deny tears by stuffing myself. What I did: I did rush home and change into yoga clothes. I did practice yoga. I did open myself up to my practice. I did cry. I did let corpse melt away my need to always, always be better, smarter, sharper. If only for a moment. I did eat a healthy dinner at home. I did walk down to the coffee shop for a vegan treat. I did discover they were closed. I did call a friend.

This is to remind myself that it can be done. Despite the pain of the moment.

Even if that moment lops over into this morning. I still ran this morning (with some wicked tired legs, thanks, yoga!)

When does this get easier? When will this not be so hard? Everything feels like a constant uphill battle. I’m looking for solace and comfort. Things I never thought I would want. I am, after all, fierce, difficult and always challenging. But sometimes I want to be easy. Why do I put myself through this? Why do I make it harder than it has to be?

**********
My foot feels great today, pre-, during, and post- run. Beatte, the alphabet game feels like butter, thank you! I hope the PF will be a question of management and not debilitation. I can manage the potential injury. Been doing it with my knees since day one.

Muscles asked what my PF is saying to me, which is a great question. I agree that bodily injuries are usually related to something else going on in my life. For instance, I get into bike accidents two times a year: the start of summer and around the holidays. Not incidentally, these are also emotionally stressful times in my life. So I need to think more about what the PF is telling me. But my gut response to reading her comment was, “love me.” I’m a softy, I know.

***********
Marla, thanks for suggestions as to why no phone call. I think it has to be option one—she can’t handle the love that she sees us having. Well, that or she is intimated by my awesomeness now that she isn’t drunk. I also considered that she is questioning my awesomeness now that she isn’t drunk, but….if I considered this seriously I would have to give $$ to GW and this just isn’t an option.

**********

I heart yoga. One of my teachers told me that I had a “beautiful” practice and that she’s noticed my getting stronger in my poses. And then she told some new students to watch me if they didn’t understand what to do. I am making progress. Even if the jeans don’t get smaller.

please

2005-11-13T12:05:00.000-05:00

It's been a doosy of a week. Some kind of knock me on my ass stomach bug. Yuck. Diet of toast and bananas for a couple of days. In the midst of the bug, I was preparing to lecture, for my first time, to 100 undergrads. Which was done, successfully, on Friday. In the midst of the bug, preparing, and lecturing, my closet case of plantar fasciitis decided to come roaring out of the closet. Enter depressive thoughts of numbing my pain and stress by eating. Exit those same thoughts, run off by habit and hindsight.

Let's take this point by point. First, the bug. Not much to say about that but yuck. And I'm glad it's gone. And I am so thankful for having a working gut. And I hope this inspires me to keep this gut happy by feeding it appropriate food.

Second, the lecture. I'll be honest. I slam dunked that lecture. And I looked equally fabulous in my size 12 suit. I love teaching and I miss it. It felt so good to be back up there, walking students through some really interesting theory. What I am proud of that relates to this blog: part of my lecture was about Sartre's understanding of the body. And I talked about the body and referenced myself standing in front of them as an example. The cool thing: I wasn't embarrassed by referencing my body. Part of it was the way that I lose myself to teaching. But the other part was that I felt really good and comfortable with myself and my body.

Third, the foot, the plantar fasciitis. Oh, crap. My worst fear realized. I ran Wednesday and Thursday even though I was sick. Well, let me back up a bit. For the past couple of months, I've been waking up with sore feet. Didn't give it much thought because it wasn't that bad. I didn't really take care of myself after running this week. Meaning: little to no stretching. Then Thursday evening after sitting through a entire afternoon and evening of classes (about 7 hours of sitting), I got up to walk to my car and was in so much pain that "walking" was more like "hobbling." Friday morning: pain, real bad. Hobbled to the gym. Spinning. Hobbled around lifting weights. I *had* to wear heels for Friday's lecture because it hurt too much to wear flats. Yesterday: continued pain. Tried to run. Unsuccessful. Obsessive internet searching on plantar fasciitis. Ice and stretching. Much stress. What if I never run again? Maybe the answer is to eat myself out of this funk? It was not. And I did not.

Sunday morning: no pain in the morning. 9 miles, run. My feet are sore and tight and my right heel hurts now. But I'm taking ibuprofen, icing, and stretching. I don't know what this is. And I'm stressed out. So I will take it day by day. I will slow down. I will go to yoga. I won't exercise while sick. If it still hurts in a week, I will see a doctor. Plantar fasciitis is degenerative. Which means that I can't "run through it."

And most of all. Most of all, I will take time and appreciate my working body and all that I can do. Because I can. And I love to. And it, and all that it can do, is this amazing.

wave

2005-11-09T10:57:00.000-05:00

There will be no running. No lifting. No yo-gaing. Sick. Hot, then cold. Waves of time lost to the bathroom floor. A message. I think. Feeling sorry is over. Appreciation is back.

need

2005-11-07T22:11:00.000-05:00

I don't know why I haven't posted in a week. I don't know why. Because nothing is changing. I'm still moving a lot. I still love to run, lift, spin, and yo-ga. Can yoga spelled "yo-ga" be a verb? Kinda sounds like one with the pause. Anyway. After a week of clean eating and feeling great, I'm back to overeating and feeling crappy. Actually, feeling crappy is of my mantra of late. It's my theme. I'm in a bad mood. And, ignoring the fact that I've pretty much been in a bad mood since birth, I've been in a really bad mood since last weekend when friends made it clear that they don't like "changes" they see in me. It's these supposed "changes," and the negative reception of them, that gnaws on my brain most days. And I don't think that discussion of that is relevant here. I'm sure that I *could* work it back to body politics...but it would be a stretch.

I need to change my mind. Get out of this funk. Uplift and see possibility. Running usually does it for me. And I still get a great feeling from exercise, but it's not good enough this time. Which, incidentally, is a criticism I received: nothing is ever good enough for me. But that's because, you know, most things could be better. I'm just saying. Body politic: I'm a perfectionist. And I sabotage everything by saying that it is all nothing. Case in point: not losing these last 15 pounds. I could. But I "can't." Because I'm not perfect. Because the world isn't perfect. And nothing is ever good enough. See how that works?

************

Wednesday: 1 hour run; lift at home; no yoga due to home repair people working late
Thursday: 45 min run
Friday: lift and spin; bike downtown to drink and eat; bike home
Saturday: 9 mile run; lots of shopping and work on apartment
Sunday: 9 mile run, with more walking than usual; yoga
Monday: lift; 30 min walk

************

I just ate so much and it feels gross and I feel gross and I have the hiccups and I feel so sick. Why do I do this? Let's run down today's food choices: apple, 4 thick slices of amazing bread with almond butter, coffee with shot of espresso on top, food bar, salad with tofu and steamed veggies, soy vanilla latte, food bar, brown rice veggie roll, soybeans, 2 vegan cupcakes, bar of dark chocolate, 2 slices toast with vegan margarine, dried cherries....I think that's "it." Ugh. Most of it consumed within the last hour, after getting home from class. Was I hungry? No. Did I need to eat? No. Am I annoyed with myself? Yes.

************

Plus. I have a crush on a boy. This is always disconcerting. This boy is not attractive. I can't stand his personality. And I can't stop thinking about him. Plus. Girl who asked for my phone number Saturday night has not called me. She asked for my number. And has not called. What's up? Don't ask. Or pick up the phone. But don't pretend. Morale of the story: I'm feeling unattractive and need external validation. And it's not coming.

easy

2005-11-01T09:18:00.000-05:00

You are a Theory Slut. The true elite of the
postmodernists, you collect avant-garde
Indonesian hiphop compilations and eat journal
articles for breakfast. You positively live
for theory. It really doesn't matter what
kind, as long as the words are big and the
paragraph breaks few and far between.

What kind of postmodernist are you!?
brought to you by Quizilla

little

2005-11-01T08:39:00.000-05:00

It's been a while. Last week was all kinds of business, mainly school related, though construction on the new apartment connected as well. I also went away this weekend.

Both exercise and food were great last week. My eating habits felt healthy and reasonable with lots of power up hearty food interspersed with dessert. Exercise was great, with running Wednesday and Thursday, spinning on Friday, and lifting on Wednesday and Friday. I think that food over the weekend was fine. I ate food that I normally don't (Indian, Thai, and french toast) but nothing was in excess. I had a great runs Saturday and Sunday morning. Yesterday morning found me lifting and spinning. This morning I was back to pounding the pavement. This evening I will probably wind up in the yoga studio. Saturday afternoon I went for a bike ride with my friends. And I was in the best shape by far. Far, far. That felt good. OK, it felt awesome. Perhaps the fact that I am the 'biggest' amongst them influenced my excitement? Perhaps.

Up:

-I've been adding "speed" work at the end of a couple of my runs. It is really challenging and taxing, but really good for me too. Plus, it feels great to open my stride a little

-My emphasis on moderation seems to be paying off. My face looks thinner and my jeans are fitting better

Down:

Since returning home, I've been eating the world. I've been really hungry and I also get a little crazy after spending a lot of time with other people negotiating food. No binging. I'm just hungry all the time.

This weekend was tough in a lot of ways and I'm feeling pretty down as a result. It (old friends) held a mirror up to me and I'm not sure what I think of the reflection. But what concerns me isn't what I write about here. It's not the physical reflection but the emotional, personal one. So I'm not sure what to do. Do I change? Are they right? Is this really the way that I am? If I do change, how? Change into what?

Middle:

For the purposes of this space, my goal is not to let the events of this weekend spiral me down into that depressed, over-eating, under-exercising place I was in a month or so ago. Big goal, little clues.

remember

2005-10-25T09:26:00.000-04:00

I remember it like it was yesterday. My first day. Late one Monday night, feeling depressed and lethargic and overwhelmed, I sat on my couch, eating peanut butter cups (so chocolate pretzels are actually a considerable improvement), and decided that I would set my alarm 45 mins early the next. Wake up. And go for a walk. No grand plans of gut wrenching change. Just a little earlier. For a walk. I set my walking clothes out that night. Turned off my light. And slept.

Cut to early in the next morning. A blaring alarm. A groggy would-be walker. And rain. Lots of hard, heavy, cold rain. It was that moment that I knew. Either I would go for the walk or I wouldn't. So I did. And I was cold and wet and tired. But I arrived home with a sense of accomplishment and power. Though I had tried for a couple of years to start and maintain regular exercise, it was that walk that got me on this path. This path that took me to this morning. A year later. A hard, heavy, cold rain. And me, heading out before the sun rose for an hour run/walk.

Despite it all. Despite the frustration and backsliding and confusion and struggle with making sensible food choices. I am so glad to be here. I maintain that sense of accomplishment and power. I love this athletic me. The rest will come. Or it won't. I have faith that I will continue to learn and grow and work myself through emotional and stress based binging. I also have faith that I will forever work on this. But most of all? Most of all I'm just happy and thankful for movement, sweat, muscle, and dodging raindrops way early in the morning.

*************

Mich's comment requires further comment because it's just too damn funny:

This calls for drastic action. I think you should set up an anti negative thoughts plan. Here's the idea: every time you say something negative about yourself you have to give a dollar to an organization you don't like. In your case, I suggest the Republican party. :-)

This is at once hilarious, sad, and a great idea. But do I have to start with the Republicans? Can't we go a little more middle of the road? Maybe I'll give up a day of obsessively reading about what I am convinced is a cover-up in the Ohio election? No?

Countering a constant stream of negativity is something I'm working on. It took me four years of therapy to realize that I have a very poor self-image. Imagine how long it's gonna take me to actually do something about it. Taking concrete action like this is a really great idea as it might get me more aware of it. Trouble is, I have trouble identifying negativity because I really do think it's the truth. Hence the four years.

**************

Monday: spinning, lifted upper body. Moderate weight. I haven't lifted lower body in over a week. I might not for a while. I've been doing so much leg-based cardio activity that I don't think I really need or want to further tax them with weights.

Tuesday: run/walk 1 hour. Maybe yoga tonight.

No significant binging episodes in several days.

nuts

2005-10-23T19:55:00.000-04:00

"Why would you do that, you don't need to lose weight."

I kid you not. Spoken to me by another grad student. I was telling a story about calling one of those 800 numbers, "Lose TONS of weight FAST," sings posted on street poles around my city. To clarify, I didn't call because I thought that the sign actually held the key to weight loss. I called because I'm nosy and bored and when I see signs like that I can't wait to get home and call. So I did. The voicemail told me to send 20 bucks and a SASE to a particular address. Totally, I did. Weeks later, I get my SASE back in the mail. Inside, a simple note:

Cut Off Your Head.

Now tell me that fat people do not face discrimination.

So I was recounting this story over beers last night. And the guy next to me said the aforementioned comment.

He didn't know me "before."

Also offers further proof that my body image is screwy.

Or he was drunk and desparate.

****************

Saturday: run, 9 miles. Kicking run. Little walking. In the pouring rain. Most of the other runners out there were women. Which leads me to guess two things: 1) we rock. 2) we're nuts

Sunday: ran 9 miles. By "ran" I mean walked a lot. My legs were pretty dead. But the freaking sun was out for the first time in days. I wanted to be outside. Yoga. Amazing.

whole

2005-10-21T08:56:00.000-04:00

VJ tagged me for this meme:

1. Go into your archives.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or the closest one to it)
4. Post the text of your sentence in your blog along with these rules.
5. Tag five other people.

Title of 23rd post: "No Numbers." Sentence:

And we slipped into being friends again like nothing had happened even though everything had happened and I regret it all.

Umm, yeah. Totally not weight loss related. And I'll leave it at that.

Tagging is tough, because most of the blogs I read have already been tagged or don't read me. But I'll put it out there anyway.

Mich (who, I think, doesn't like memes)
Beatte (who has already been tagged but hasn't posted so I get to re-tag)
Krista (even though she just announced a blogging break)
Finding Muscles (who doesn't have 23 posts yet...so maybe her 3rd?
YP

****************

Great 45 min run yesterday. I took out one of my usual walking points because I was feeling good and strong. No problems with the shins. No problems with contacts or strange yelling men. Life is good.

Spinning and lifting this morning. Real tired. But done.

I love to sweat. Love it. And I've noticed that the more in shape I get the easier my body releases it. I can feel it coming, almost predict the minute that it will pour. Sweating makes me feel like I am taking care of myself, like I am cleansing out toxins and stress and pain.

I also love yoga. As I was sitting in class yesterday waiting to give my paper (which I am super proud of, by the way) I wished that I could do yoga all the time. Actually, my exact thought was, "I wish the whole world was yoga class." Jeez, I'm a dork. But I do love it. And I'm intrigued by how different my body feels after these couple weeks back at class. My body feels like it is rearranging itself. More spacious, or something.

simple

2005-10-19T08:44:00.000-04:00

What a run.

Tuesday: an hour, with walking. My shins were killing me. I don't know what was causing it. The pain is in my outer shins. It feels like the muscle or whatever runs along the outside of my shin gets incredibly tight. So the first 10 mins of a run is fine and then the shin slowly starts to tense up. This tightening will continue until I can barely walk if I don't stop to stretch and walk it out.

I ran track in high school. (Well, I ran track and played basketball and field hockey). The same thing happened my second year of track. The solution: rest until it went away. The broken running body seems a lot like a computer. Nobody really knows what's going on so the solution for this super complicated machine is simple. Body: rest. Computer: restart. Oddly, it works.

Back to the run. Shins, tight. Sweat, pouring. So I wiped my face. In doing so, I dislodged my hard contact. Which proceeded to painfully float around my eye. My response: continue running. While freaking out on the inside. The contact eventually found it's way back to center.

Shins, tight, Sweat, pouring, contact, floating. Man, yelling, "Take them out, baby!!!" By yelled, I mean stopped his pick-up truck, leaned out the open window, and hollered. I think that he yelled take them out. It could have been, take it out. "Them" makes more sense as he would be referring to my breasts. "It" could also make sense, however. Could be gay bashing, suggesting that because I have a boy-ish haircut and do not wear girly running clothes that I must have a phallus. Either way, it was disturbing. More than anything, I was embarrassed. I know that I shouldn't be, but there were people around. I was on the South St bridge heading from center city to university city (kind of like the distinction between Boston and Cambridge, except not at all). And all the little medical students were hustling across the bridge to make their 7am rounds.

What a run.

This morning. Much shorter, around 30 mins. I went to a killer yoga class and my body is still putting itself back together. The fact that I can move at all is a miracle. So it was slow and steady. I'll lift later this morning. Walk to a friends house in the afternoon. Maybe, maybe hit up a restorative yoga class this evening. Shins: fine. I think it's the yoga.

What a cookie.

3 meals, eaten. Vegan chocolate chip cookies: best damn things I have ever made. Shared with co-op board for our meeting last night. I think that making the cookies is a good sign. After reading Beatte's post, I've been thinking a lot about how I feel about food. I want to work through my problematic relationship with it. I loved everything about these cookies. Baking them, sharing them, enjoying them, not eating the entire batch. It felt healthy, balanced, and, yes, dignified.

over

2005-10-17T20:45:00.000-04:00

Beatte said something really interesting in her comment to a previous post regarding motivation, or in our cases, lack thereof:

I wonder what it is? I mean, what will it take?

Yep, nail on head, nail on head. I worry about this too. What will it take, Liz? Crazy heart palpatations at night? Back. Slow decent back into depression? Sliding. Clothes that don't fit anymore? Piled in closet. What's next? What else do I need to curb this night-time feeding frenzy? I need to stop. Slow down. Breathe. Turn on a song. Dance my brain out. Cry. Whatever it is. I need to be there, right then, in that moment. Step outside, binge, we need to have a few words.

Another reason that I like this comment is that it emphasizes action over thought. I can think myself right through a bag of chocolate covered pretzels. See previous post. I find complexity. Suggestions. In other words, I am really damn good at finding loop-holes and excuses. Action, Liz, action.

In response to both Mich and Beatte's comment about the quantity of food I had for breakfast: I agree. This is a problem. The problem being that I am usually not hungry in the morning after I binge the night before. Seeing as I've binged almost every night these past couple of weeks, breakfasts have been weak. I'm with you on the slow cooked oatmeal, it's good stuff and it usually powers me through a long morning. So far tonight, no binge, though I did have a large dinner. So maybe tomorrow I can start off with a good breakfast (even if I'm not hungry) and not set myself up for ravenous hunger later in the day? The other dietary issue that sets me up for eating too much at night: I often don't eat lunch. Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, eating three meals a day this week would be a great challenge. I'm facing lots of time alone in the library or at my desk, and I normally would not eat until the day was done.

So it's official, my challenge for the week is to eat three meals a day.

***********

Sunday: laced up to go for a run. But couldn't. My shins were really sore, my knees hurt, and I had a lot of food bumping around in my stomach. I did walk about 2 miles.

Monday: spinning. Everybody left class early, so it was just me and the instructor grinding it out at the end. I should say, it was just the instructor grinding it out at the end. I was huffing and puffing my way through the whole class. Lifted arms. My legs need a break so I won't work them till Friday.

stupid

2005-10-16T16:11:00.000-04:00

You Should Get a PhD in Liberal Arts (like political science, literature, or philosophy)

You're a great thinker and a true philosopher.
You'd make a talented professor or writer.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

***********

If this is true, then why can't I write this paper? Why can't I? What's the problem?

Ran yesterday.

Didn't run today. Course, I'm still in my pjs, trying to write this stupid paper, so whatever.

but

2005-10-14T21:09:00.000-04:00

I'm home tonight "working." And working I am. But I can't help it that I found a little poem I wrote in the back of a book a couple of years ago. I'm posting it here because I like it and I don't want to forget it, and I'm sure I will once this book is swallowed back up on my bookshelf. When this paper is done. And it doesn't really have anything to do with exercise or diets, but vegetables make an appearance, so it's not a total stretch....

**********

3 April, 2003

sitting in a target somewhere
in Maryland little eyes squeal
all around me, as
I pick at vegetables,
I dream of little eyes to love
A child. No stars. A child.
No free free life where
I sit and rock myself to sleep.
I turned 26 a few days ago but I
feel older than that sounds
I wonder if they look at me and
wish for the way my life sounds.
I read fancy books and write
urgent poetry but I cry
alone each night,

alone each night,
I swallow a diamond pen, whole.
I am a psychic you.
Call me when you are
alone but only when you are alone
and the weight of others bears
on your eyes, kill
this ache that can never
be held. Hold me tight,
but sleep alone for
years to come. I sleep
alone and dream of solitary
ghosts. I wait for your
loneliness.

Target will never sell this
poem and you will never
read this poem. Regardless.
I can't hear my mother's regrets. My
mother's regrets circle
my fingers like engagement rings
chosen.

structures

2005-10-14T10:47:00.000-04:00

I just finished my healthy, and completely unsatisfying, breakfast of (soy) yogurt, an apple, and coffee, after lifting and arc-training at the gym this morning. What I want now: muffins, bread, rolls, scones, good goddess, a refined carb, please! I am craving the bread like mad. Which is unusual because I'm not usually a carb person, more of a fat and sugar girl. I'm not sure what is contributing to my craving and I'm not sure how to handle it. Should I accept that I now want bread regularly and start making my own for breakfast (as homemade bread is probably healthier because I control the ingredients)? Or do I continue to fight it, only to eventually succumb and wind up surrounding myself with muffins and scones? Making my own would also save me money. But it does mean that I have an entire nummy loaf around, just waiting for me to eat it.

Exercise has been great:

Wednesday: run/walk 1 hour, yoga practiced in the evening. I did a full wheel for the first time in months!

Thursday: ran 9 miles. Sllloooowwwlllyyyy. My body was all out of whack from yoga. It took me 3 miles just to feel warmed up and flowing. My back especially was really tight from Wheel. But it was the first run in a while that ended better than it started (I'm a classic burn-out runner, seemingly unable to keep pace).

Friday: lifting and cardio at gym

Food has been....intense. A lot. All the time. I know I sound like a broken record. The jeans. Are too tight. And last night as I was getting ready for a blind date I got so angry with myself for eating and eating and eating and not absorbing the reality of the situation: I will eat myself right out of my success, my pants, if I don't change. The catch? I don't want to change. My frustration is great: on the one hand, I'm getting pissed over my weight gain and my lazy attitude toward it. On the other hand, I'm not willing to change and don't care. I wish I could pick one side and stick to it: if I don't want to change then I should stop complaining and buy bigger pants. Or fucking do something about it.

I don't get it. I can figure out the problem of the Other in Being and Nothingness. But I can't figure out what's going on with me and overeating.

Speaking of philosophy, the ways that people find this blog crack me up. It is rarely, rarely, through some kind of weight loss/exercise related search. Instead, I'm found through random philosophy search phrases like "the I and me in one." No matter where I go, structures of subjectivity find me.

overthrow

2005-10-11T19:00:00.000-04:00

I'm struck by diet ads. To be precise, I'm struck by some new television diet ads for two companies: weight w@tchers and slim f@st.

First, slim f@st. The ad is for a new protein meal replacement bar. Same old stuff. Predictable: decapitated bodies, dancing around seeming happy and active. Except. Except for the bodies pictured. They aren't super skinny or athletic. These bodies are rounded with actual stomachs. The kind of body that I had 10 lbs ago. Not overweight. But not the "after" diet image to which I am accustomed.

Next: weight w@tchers. This commercial seems like a take-off of the Curve$ commericals that I like. In the WW commercial, a voice over talks about how (I butcher these "quotes" due way too much partying in high school and college--aka memory loss) "there a is place where you are not the only one who knows what it's like to be the fattest woman in a room, who has tried to change and failed.....come to this place and watch yourself change." The images at the beginning of the voice over are of a not too fat woman walking around alone in a black (sleeveless!) dress, a woman trying, but giving up on exercise (and so forth, I forget the rest). As the women embrace the WW lifestyle, we see a happy woman playing with her children, another one swimming along in her bathing suit, and so on. The commercial ends with a group of women, all in white suits, stepping out of what looks like a party, laughing and talking. The catch: again, no real before and after shots. That is, the "happy" women at the end of the commercial do not look any different than they do at the beginning of the commercial. Similar to the slim f@st commercial, these models are hardly fat, but they aren't your typical "after" images.

What's going on here? Do these two commerical signify a radical feminist overthrowing of the diet and exercise industry? (of which I buy into, I know, I know). Why aren't we being sold thin images of success? Are these commericals implying that we have to redefine what it means to succeed on a diet? Or am I projecting because I finally admitted to myself today that I don't want to get back on my diet program and proceeded to berate myself for "quitting"? (More on this in a future post.) The WW commercial suggests that the real change that occurs is internal, not external, in that the weight of the models doesn't change. What changes is the way in which the characters understand, or see, themselves. They aren't the fattest woman at a party anymore because they know that there are lots of other fat women at the party. OK, I think that the message is supposed to be more uplifting than that--more like, they don't care or love themselves anyway or are working on changing that behavior or something.

******************

Monday: 30 mins on the arc-trainer. A lifetime shopping with friends. No vegetables. No binges either.

Tuesday: 45 mins run/walk. Real, real tired. Lift: at home. Upper/lower. 3 heavy sets. Walk in afternoon. Significant PMS. I'll let you fill in the blanks.

I fear that I will have to buy new pants soon. But I'm too much of a coward to get on the scale and face the recent weight gain. Honestly, I really don't want to change. I don't want to limit what I can eat. So I'm not going to.

don't

2005-10-10T00:21:00.000-04:00

Purple! Shiny! running shoes are now brown. and muddy. Because I ran today. No, I did not run yesterday. I did not take Friday for what it was, a day of rest, before moving on. I did wallow in laziness and depression Saturday, seemingly unable to move. The pouring rain outside my door might have contributed to my hibernation. But, seriously, this needs to stop. I hate when I get like that. I feel miserable. No surprise, because I treat myself miserably. Staying in bed all day does not make me feel better, it makes me feel awful. Why, then, do I do it? Why does it feel impossible to even brush my teeth? More importantly, how do I get out of it? This is not the blog for such concerns, I know, but I write about it here because I think that my exercise and eating habits are directly connected to my mental health. I will say, however, that it's been a hell of a week.

Anyway, it rained Saturday. Then poured. Then rained some more. When I woke up Sunday morning, the river had flooded its banks. But I rain anyway. Hence the shoes. I ran 9 miles, again. Even though my legs really can't take it. Plus, I let my pride get the better of me when I forced myself to catch and pass some guy. Because I'm just competitive and annoying like that.

I ran 9 miles. Then I lifted weight, just arms, at home. But tough nonetheless.

I ran 9 miles. I lifted weights. Then I went to yoga. It's wasn't that amazing this week. But good to quiet my thoughts. And I am developing a crush on my teacher.

I ate dinner. Then dessert. Then post-dinner snack. Then anything that wasn't nailed down. My appetite or hunger or want or whatever this is feels unfillable.

So great, right? So much exercise and running! But, not great. Because my goal is to move and eat with dignity. And this isn't dignified. It's not dignified to push myself to run so much more than I should. I am going to hurt myself. I'm doing it because I'm stressed out. And I'm stressed out because I don't respect myself enough to say no, to put myself first (as Krista so very well pointed out to me). All this running isn't good for me because I'm not respecting my limits. And it will backfire. Don't even get me started on my food choices.

shake

2005-10-07T17:37:00.000-04:00

Friday, I rest.

Midterms: turned in. Presentation: Um, presented. Running: And then some. Lifting: Next? Shit: Here, there, everywhere. Grief: healing

I haven't been completely honest about my running habits of late. I was easing back into things. Slowly, like I knew that I should. But the stress, especially this week. The stress hit me like so many friends in trouble, tears I held back, papers I procrastinated. The release: running. Like 9 miles. A day. Three days in a row. After 9 on Sunday, too. It got bad, to the point where I was wincing when walking down stairs. I can't explain it, but I needed the release. Even after pushing through 9, I would run sprints up and down my block. Please, don't start with the metaphors. Trying to out run myself? Giving myself a run for the money? Whatever. It felt good. I needed it. Now my legs need a serious break. I walked 'round town today to do errands. Nothing strenuous. It felt good to shake the legs out a little. And I bought new running shoes. They are purple! And shiny!

Another confession: I haven't been lifting. This might cause Mich to roll over in her squat rack, but I really don't like it. Don't get me wrong, I like the results of lifting. Weights have certainly changed my body more profoundly than my running ever could. But the actual act of lifting? Not too much, not for me. And this week, it was all about the shit. And how emerge with the fewest bleeding ulcers possible. True, I only skipped Wednesday and Friday. But I won't try to make those session up over the weekend. What I will do is enjoy the rest of this day of rest (physically and academically) before hitting the road and books again tomorrow.

defy

2005-10-05T08:36:00.000-04:00

The deck is stacked. Death in my family-of-choice. Midterms. Friends going through their shit, needing support. My own shit, aka depression. The deck is stacked to high holy hell, actually.

Yesterday I ran. Monday I hit the gym for an hour of cardio and lifting.

Chocolate pretzels were consumed. So were salads.

look

2005-10-02T18:15:00.000-04:00

Why am I writing this evening? I just got back from an incredible yoga class. Sweat. Flow. Open. Oiled. Calm. Damn, I love this stuff. We did a wide leg seated forward bend (forgive me for not knowing the names of these poses) and held the pose for. A. Long. Time. And now there is a space in my hips that was not there but a few hours ago.

And the inside. We practiced facing the mirror. I usually hate looking at myself practicing yoga in a mirror. First, I have trouble with mirrors in general. Second, yoga accentuates the fat. It rolls. But today was different. Today I stared myself down. I stared down the critical part of myself that will never be happy with how I look. And I appreciated the way that I look. I am the biggest person in that class by a good 30 pounds. But I saw myself and smiled. I looked good. Strong. Curvy. Working it.

I came home and approached the mirror again. My face seems changed after this last round with depression. I look tired, and I found my first grey hair. But I liked the eyes looking back at me. Because they aren't afraid to look where it hurts. I don't hesitate to sink into pain. Hip openers in yoga class. Resistance to moving my body regularly. Honestly about emotional eating.

This weekend has not been perfect. I binged Friday and Saturday night. I see that. I know that. Well. But I don't look away. Indeed, I stare myself. Down.

back

2005-09-30T09:56:00.000-04:00

My mother wrote me an email asking if I could recommend a website about diet and exercise. I almost fell off my chair. Can I recommend A website? Jeez, where to begin? I've kept this blog, and indeed, my weight loss efforts very close to my chest this past year. I guess this email means two things: one, she notices that I've lost weight; two, she doesn't know how to type "weight loss" into a search engine. I gave her a lot of reference and assured her that the sampling I sent her was out of infinity. There are loads and loads of websites about losing weight. What I'm worried about is that she will find me. Well, I don't really care if she finds this site. What I do care about is the possible self-censoring that will occur. Having this space to really get down and dirty with what's happening in my head about weight, food, and working out (and getting feedback like a oh so needed mirror from ya'll) has been such a important part of this journey. I don't want to lose my rawness. Exposing the dark, rotten parts will help them dry and shrivel up.

A hearty hello and congratulations on great work to Finding Muscles! A new kid on the weight loss blog block.

Yesterday: run/walk. Legs are getting cranky. Time for a new pair of shoes.
This Morning: lifting (go shoulders!), walk. Saw spinning instructor at gym. Who berated me for not going to her class this morning. Is this ok? I feel good about leaving the apartment at all, let alone going to the gym. I do what I can, when I can. Back off, spinning lady.

Day two without late night sugar binges. Though cocktails and snacks were consumed after class last night. But they always are.

dignity

2005-09-29T08:51:00.000-04:00

Wow. Just, wow. I did not overeat last night. I did lust over someone entirely unattainable over beer and dinner. But I did not come home and gorge myself on dessert. I did stay up very late and write a paper. But I did not rely on chocolate and sugar to do so. I did toss and turn thinking about aforementioned lust. But I did not hit snooze this morning to avoid a run.

So, it is possible.

Nikki's comment on a previous post reminded me of something that I want to keep thinking about. After coming through a yo-yo process, I see now that my goal needs to shift. My new goal is to move and eat with dignity. Looking through my posts for the past couple months, it is clear to me that exercising and dieting for weight loss alone don't do it for me. It's not motivating enough. I've made a lot of great changes over the course of this year. But the work isn't done. I still sneak food. I eat and move with guilt, reluctance, self-loathing, and apathy. I know that these feelings won't ever go away entirely. But I want to challenge them. Because, really, I would be happy at my current weight, even considering the recent gain, if I weighed this with respect. That is, if my body wasn't the result of some major emotional battering (aka: emotional eating).

Wow, even writing that paragraph makes me feel sick to my stomach. This topic is obviously a lot more complex than I can permit this morning, with piles of French to translate before 11:30. What I really need to translate is my lofty going of "moving and eating with dignity" into some actual, attainable little changes.

test

2005-09-28T08:39:00.000-04:00

I like the idea of knowledge, and the responsibility of knowing, bringing joy. I like the idea that knowing what I have to do to maintain (if not one day improve) my level of fitness is ultimately liberating rather than restricting. I try to remind myself of this joy and freedom while grudging making the right food choices. I try to remember that waking up super early, tired, puffy, and stressed out, to get in some cardio and my second weight lifting session of the week will make me happy. But sometimes it just feels like a whole lot of work. A whole lot of work that I don't want to do. That said, a run down of my activities so far this week:

Sunday: walk, yoga
Monday: spinning and lifting at gym. Sat in the saddle for much of class. Strength seems to be maintained, however, when lifting.
Tuesday: walk/run
Wednesday: walk/run, lifting at home

No significant emotional eating episodes or binges, though I am still eating much more than I need to. And the thought of not doing this makes me incredibly anxious and scared. I also know that now is not a good time to confront that anxiety and fear, so I am trying not to berate myself for the dietary mis-steps.

afraid

2005-09-27T09:28:00.000-04:00

I'm thinking about this all wrong. This, being diet and exercise. This, being treating myself with respect. I had a paradigm shift yesterday while reading Spinoza's Treatise on the Emendation of the Intellect. I'm going to explain Spinoza's outlook, then connect it to my struggles with diet and exercise. My connections are due in large part to Marla's fantastic Health and Fitness Carnival which reminded me of Yvonne's insightful post. Philosophy and weight loss blogs are like peas in a pod, I tell you.

Spinoza:
Spinoza was a Jewish philosopher writing in 17th century. In the Treatise, Spinoza suggests that people are not happy because they do not seek true knowledge and knowing. His goal, then, is to explain the four kinds of knowing and offer a method with which people can reach true knowledge. This ultimate knowing, for Spinoza, is direct and unmediated knowledge. But Spinoza doesn't think that this "knowledge" is some abstract bookish learning. Indeed, he rejects Cartesian reliance on instruction and memory. Instead, Spinoza's suggests that this perfect knowledge is perception inasmuch as he understands knowledge to be a way of looking at something. Knowledge, or reasoning, is not a faculty, but is a light that we cast upon things. In other words, Spinoza wants us to get it.

Spinoza acknowledges that "getting it" doesn't come easily. He wants us to go through 3 phases of mediated knowledge before finding unmediated perception. And even when we do "get it", he proposes that these flashes of insight will come in intervals. The goal is to find ways to maintain the intervals of insight for longer periods of time.

And this takes work. It takes years of study and training. But the payoff is worth it. Besides the satisfaction that comes from finding truth, Spinoza also suggests that living with the fourth kind of knowing brings joy to life.

My connections:
First, you have to go through steps to get to the promised land. I can't expect to go from A to Z. Everything in between, though frustrating and seemingly unimportant, is actually very significant in that I really won't be able to get to the ultimate destination without the process. The final destination, for me, is living in a way that respects my body. I want to move and eat with dignity. But I can't expect to wake up tomorrow, clap my hands, and say: "I hereby declare that I move and eat with dignity." It just doesn't work that way. I have to make a lot of little changes in order to bring me to that destination.

Next, once I figure out how to move and eat with dignity, it will be immediate. I will "get it." Which , for me, means that it won't be a matter of "doing" but "living." I'm not sure I can articulate this difference well, but I feel it. It's a question of flow, perhaps.

Third,this flow will stop! It will cycle, phase in and out in intervals. This is maintenance. Figuring out how to maintain the flow is part of the knowing.

But, most importantly, I appreciate the joy this knowing brings. Whereas in Christian theology knowledge brings strife and suffering (think Adam, Eve, and the Apple), Spinoza suggests that though knowledge brings responsibility and work, it will ultimately release one from pain and suffering. With this release comes joy.

And I witnessed last night how restrictive my new habits feel. For instance, when I consider not eating a bunch of sugar in the evening, I get incredibly tense, sad, and anxious. What am I so afraid of?

really

2005-09-25T12:29:00.000-04:00

I have to admit, this week I was so far from The Plan that we were not even in the same zip code. Let's review:

1. I did my run/walk 4 times. I lifted twice.
2. I ate whole grains 3 times.
3. I ate salads 3 times.
4. No yoga, though it could happen sometime today.

My deviance from The Plan was not the result of laziness or rebellion or whatever other reasons I'm not losing weight, but my good friend Depression. It's been tough recently. And I know that I didn't stick to The Plan because I am depressed. It is quick clear to me now that I am not depressed because I am not sticking to a Plan. I haven't been overeating. Quite the opposite. Indeed, yesterday was the first day I ate an actual meal in several days.

Yet I have to declare success on another level: I'm getting help. I know that I can put everything back together. I know that "it" won't beat me. I know that I will slowly start to move again. I went out for a great walk this morning. After not leaving the house for a better part of the week, going on a hour long walk is a big deal.

So, with my next plan, I want to incorporate activities and goals that are good for my mental health. The waistline isn't motivating right now. I also don't want to set high expectations. Really, going on a daily walk is a great goal for me next week. Without further ado, The Plan.

1. Get outside and walk a little everyday.
2. Eat 3 meals a day.
3. Practice yoga.

Basic. But I know this will help. And I know I can do it.
**********
Edited: And I did do it. I went to yoga. After months away from practice. I went to a class at my new gym. Sweat, poured. Toxins, released. Hips, opened. Chest, released. Tears, spilled. Plus, I wasn't the only woman in the class with hairy armpits. That never happens. Then a friend made me dinner and encouraged me to open up. Which I never do. But sort of did. Now I have mountains of French to translate.

own

2005-09-20T16:20:00.000-04:00

Another day of imperfections that somehow add up to something like sticking to a plan. I have slept in for 3 straight days, yet somehow manage to fit in working out later in the day. Including an afternoon run today from which my face is still flushed. Go me! I have lost a considerable amount of fitness in these weeks past. But that's ok. I was reminded today how far I have come. This time last year riding my bike to the grocery store took considerable effort. Today, I think nothing of riding or walking as I do my errands. Indeed, I prefer bi-ped errands: much less stressful. The real sign of sliding is, of course, the jeans. And sports bras. They are both super tight. Whatever. Today I don't care. Today I am happy with the changes I am making. I can't do it all at once. And I'm just not ready to let go of those chocolate covered pretzels. Yet.

I wanted to add a session of yoga to this week's Plan. But now I'm having second thoughts. Primarily because I have found it is impossible to deny certain rolls while practicing yoga. All that bending and twisting makes them undeniable. My "I really don't care" attitude is fragile. And I'm not sure I can keep up this positive attitude (that is essential for me to get back out there in the face of impending defeat) while staring at the evidence of my failures.

Hi there, denial, did you miss me? I actually caught myself thinking of excuses, er, lies, for my new found roundness today while running: it's like I was pregnant and working off post-baby weight; or maybe like I was taking steroids and couldn't help it; similar to a thyroid problem, maybe? WTF? Why was I doing this? First, my mind wanders during exercise. I tend to go a little loopy. Second, I'm just a brat in denial. I am this way because I ate too much and didn't exercise. No more excuses. Own it.

spirit

2005-09-18T21:24:00.000-04:00

Today I impressed even the perfectionist within. Even though I am so far from perfect. Because I am so far from perfect, in fact. I woke up late. After hitting snooze for two hours. No kidding. I had 15 mins to shower, dress, and pick up a friend in time for our Meeting. After the meeting, we had a covered dish breakfast. Predictably, there was lots of good food, all of which did not include whole grains. Instead, I feasted on dark, strong coffee, sourdough bread so soft and sour you can imagine the grandmother who passed on the starter, hummus, and a cupcake. Good eating. But I was hurting inside. I felt restless, unsettled, uncomfortable, unhappy. Not an unfamiliar state of late, I'll give you that, but disturbing nonetheless. Anne and I came home, gathered books, and walked down to the river to read. But I couldn't focus. I couldn't sit still. I was sad. We talked. I cried. We read. Then talked some more. We walked home, said our goodbyes, and I planned on dropping off my books before heading down to the grocery store.

Instead, I did the strangest, most odd thing. I put down my books. Pulled on my shorts. Laced up my shoes. And ran. In the late afternoon. On a Sunday. While families strolled, couples cuddled, and sun glares blazed. I ran amongst it all. I usually don't run if I leave the house any later than 7 in the morning. I don't like all the people, because I am always so sure they are staring and wondering what a girl like me is doing running (I know, I have some unfinished self-esteem business ahead). And don't get me started on the sidewalk hogs. But not today. Today I did it! To counter act all the would be stare-ers and judge-ers, I also kept a steady, supportive internal dialogue: "I love you for doing this, you are kicking butt, hey, you are the one running and at least trying, not them, keep it up!" And it worked! Even though it is so incredibly corny that I actually made myself laugh out loud at first. Even though I didn't entirely believe it when I started. By the end of the run, I did believe. And I finished strong and proud.

Lesson learned: stay flexible. I don't have to be perfect to be healthy. When I write it like that it sounds ridiculous. Of course I don't have to be perfect to be healthy! But lately I've been telling myself that if I can't do it right, I shouldn't bother trying. That has to, and will, stop.

I also declare success on The Plan. Even though I only ate whole grains 4 mornings instead of 5. Lifted 2 times instead of three. And only managed 4 salads, not 5. I declare success because this is a helluva improvement from the past couple of weeks. And because, while I didn't enforce the letter of the law, I embodied it's spirit: change and hope. Despite the odds.

begs

2005-09-17T11:56:00.000-04:00

Change. I don't embrace it. I like to think that I live a life ever free floating. I move every couple of years. Hairstyle and color changes in the blink of an eye. Clothes, come and gone. But reflecting on my weight history, I always, always, gain weight when I move. The most significant weight gain always come when I move to a new city. But even when I move within the same town, I gain weight. I moved to my "new" (new to me, anyway) condo two weeks ago. Something about the unsettled-ness of it, the boxes, the unfamiliarity, the possible mice around every corner shakes me to my core. I don't handle it well. Actually, maybe I handle it too well. I buckle down and go into survival mode. Eat, watch TV, pace nervously all night long. In other words, go fetal. I have to give into it to a certain extent, but I have to keep fighting for me, and all the positive changes that I made this year.

So far this week, I have stuck to the plan.

I'm ending this early. I'm listening to a re-broadcast of last week's episode of This American Life. And I can't write about my silly struggles with weight anymore.

lull

2005-09-15T23:19:00.000-04:00

It's been forever and a day since I've written. These past few months have been filled with backsliding, in the form of eating and gaining weight. Recently, it's gotten worse. I've even stopped exercising in these past couple of weeks. All of my pants are uncomfortable. And I pulled out some level 2 Fat Pants this morning (level 2 are not the fattest of the fat pants. The fattest of the fat would be level 1). Eating has been shameful. All the good stuff like pizza, flourless cake, chips, and, you guessed it, chocolate covered preztels. I'm scared. And feeling sick. Physically, sick, slothful, and soft. Emotionally, I'm sick and tired of comforting myself with junk and no exercise. I'm going through a doozy of a depression/anxiety thing. I can't sleep, I can't work, and I can't think about the joys of salad, lifting weight, and running. I'm living day to day. Doing whatever I can to dull the pain, take away the fear, lull myself into a sugar spun cocoon of deception that everything is ok.

But everything is not ok. I need to grow up, accept that, and move on.

I also need to get my head out of the refrigerator long enough to see what is happening to all these healthy habits I worked so hard to establish.

I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of struggling with my weight. I'm tired of eating myself sick. I found myself wishing there was some kind of pill I could take to fulfill my energy requirements so that I wouldn't have to eat. How fucked up is that? I remember having the same thought when I was in high school and decided to stop eating.

I know I can do this. But I don't want to. It is hard enough for me to leave the apartment and function. Why should I have to function on salad? But I always get confused if the depression is the result of diet, or if the diet is the result of depression. It is probably more complicated than either of these options, I'm sure that the two go hand in hand. So I'm in therapy, dealing with it all. And I know from experience that things will get worse before they get better. The question is, do I have to gain 30lbs in the process?

Or maybe this focus on weight isn't the key right now. Because, honestly, while I'm annoyed at the weight gain, and hate admitting it here, gaining weight obviously isn't enough to keep me motivated to make good choices. But I know that getting some exercising and improving my diet will improve my mental health. I also know that I need structure right now. I've been getting really cocky and comfortable with my eating and exercise behavior. But I need to bring it down a level while I begin, again.

To that end, I implemented A Plan this week.

1. Get 30 mins of aerobic exercise 5 days a week. 3 days of run/walk (5 mins run, 2 min walk intervals...it is truly amazing how quickly I've lost my fitness level); 2 days Precor

2. 3 days a week: lift weight at the gym

3. Eat a salad as a meal 5 days a week

4. Eat whole grains for breakfast 5 days a week

Next week I will add: practice one session of yoga or tai chi each week

Note that neither quantity or dessert will be monitored. I need to establish exercise before I can do anything drastic.

Argh, I don't know. I've been avoiding this confession for a while now. Honesty begs for change. And I don't know how much change I can handle right now.

Thank you for your nice comments regarding the pictures. Those are good photos of me, which is why I posted them. Honestly, I didn't think at the time that I looked that thin. Collarbones!? And I am certainly not that thin now, though probably not really that much heavier. I would guess somewhere between an additional 10-15 lbs.

I've been reading all your blogs on the sly. I just haven't been posting because of my weight-gaining-avoidance thing. But don't think that I'm not out there, lurking away.

since

2005-09-04T12:00:00.000-04:00

I can't believe that it's been this long. Since I've posted. Since I've had a day off work. Since I've put effort into a healthy diet. Since I've felt invigorated and alive. I haven't posted because nothing has changed. I haven't posted because everything changed. I haven't posted because I've been busy. I haven't posted because I'm bored. All of it. True. All of it. False. I haven't posted.

Work ended. Classes started. TAing began. Moved occurred. Sister visited.

My eating habits have not improved. My jeans are officially uncomfortable. I've still been working out, though not as often as I normally would. Two weeks of moving/teaching/studying overload effectively ended my usual lifting routine. I won't make promises or imagine unrealistic turn arounds. Because that's not how it goes. If anything, the road back will be slow. And difficult. That's what I need to remind myself of. It's not like I will wake up one day and be super excited to eat lots of salad. I need to remember how good it feels to treat myself well, and go back to that spot. I'm worried that I've been on this crap-food trip for so long that it will take a big wake-up call, like watching my weight climb back up to 190 lbs, for me to change my ways. Actually, I'm running scared of that thought. It doesn't seem that far away. I've been over-eating for over two months now. Something has to give. And it will my pants before anything else. I know I can change this. I've done it before. I will do it again.

I've been hesitant to post pictures of myself for fear of judgment and loss of anonymity. But, fuck it, here you go. These were taken at a recent wedding. I'm the one who isn't beautiful.

Don't say I didn't warn you

hypocrite

2005-08-14T20:53:00.000-04:00

"Hypocrite," I thought, as I looked at my reflection in the gym mirror. I put my time in this morning. But my heart wasn't in it. I'm still not making good food choices. And I'm down about that, regardless of my love for all these little folks. As I huffed and puffed through an Arc Trainer workout, I befuddled even myself. Why do I put myself through the sometimes horrible experience of working out only to eat away any results?

Or maybe this is the perfectionist in me. The very same one who convinces me that if I can't do it right, I shouldn't even try. Duh. I know that I will be gaining much more weight if I stop exercising. But sometimes, after weeks of being so far off plan that I fell like a sham by posting on a supposed diet and fitness site, I have to question the usefulness of my gym time.

It's time for my mouth to catch up with my legs. I can walk the walk, run the run, and lift the weight. But I struggle with closing my mouth on something other than junk food.

slow

2005-08-12T21:37:00.000-04:00

Sweat. Slowly swirling through small undetectable rivets in my skin. Now. At 9:30 at night. Sweat. Cascading off my back. Running down my chest. Beading on my arms. Tomorrow morning. While running. ("Shuffling" probably more accurately describes my movement in weather this gross.) Sweat has become a good friend. The kind of friend who is always welcome and missed when she isn't around. I crave a good sweat like I used to crave sugar.

I went to Spinning this morning. I am a believer! This class is a great workout. I was always skeptical of group classes. I thought that they couldn't possibly be as useful as working out independently because they are too "girly"--I was picturing women in leotards jumping around in bare feet. But Spinning feels like a serious workout. More athletic that "aerobic."

And I lifted yesterday.

And I did NOT consume refined sugar today.

In short, I rock.

To be clear, my kids think that I rock too. Even if the older kids don't want to admit it, I know they do. I can tell by the increased level of participation--we went from nobody raising their hands to 75% of kids raising their hands to answer questions. Teaching is an amazing job. So amazing, that I'm kind of scared of just how much I love it. I have to hold myself back from squeezing them all on their way out the door.

And it's hard to feel down about my off-track-ed-ness when there is that kind of love in my life.

struggle

2005-08-10T20:43:00.000-04:00

Hindsight. I thought after I wrote my previous post that I had made some big Breakthrough. Re-reading it, I see that I am mainly just lying to myself. I haven't lost and maintained 30lbs for 1 year. I've lost and maintained 25lbs for about 8 months. At my lowest, I had lost 30lbs. But, as evident in my past n+1 posts, I am no longer at my lowest weight. Moreover, the struggle for me is NOT to figure out some deep dark secret. The struggle is to find other ways to handle stress and depression. It is all to easy to do so with food, for me. I put too much emotion into this fitness thing: a workout isn't good unless I transcend time and space; adhering to healthy food choices doesn't count unless I unlock the secret of my soul. Say what? This is about taking better care of myself, no matter the emotional or spiritual spirals in which I find myself.

****************

I ran this morning. It was a beautiful sunny morning and I enjoyed the fresh air. I felt strong and athletic. It wasn't my best time ever for that loop. Far from it, actually. But it was fun. Tomorrow I will head to my local gym and lift. My gym bag is already packed.

there

2005-08-08T20:12:00.000-04:00

I'm stuck. I'm stuck. I'm stuck.

I'm stuck in so many ways that I don't know what to write about here. So instead I complain about endlessly eating. Which is something that annoys me and that I want to change. But I know all too well from personal experience that whining about overeating will not get me anywhere. I have to get to the heart of it. I have to expose that bloody smelly secret burned deep in the trash can. Underneath the wrappers and the garbage there lies a truth so deep that I might forever spiral if I ever fall in.

So instead I eat. To keep myself afloat.

I'm floating and stuck. I'm not moving forward. I'm not moving backwards. I'm just. Here.

But here is so different from there. There, that place I was in for last year's "here." That place was hard and scary and I'm so glad I found my way out. I have to give myself credit for that. September will mark my official trying to lose weight anniversary (though I really didn't start losing weight till October, I started trying to in September). And I will have lost and kept off 30lbs, for a year, in a month. So it was August that I went down so deep that my underwear didn't fit anymore. I lost myself somewhere amid the moving boxes and candy wrappers. Now, I find myself once more in the middle of moving boxes and candy wrappers. But this time I chase the candy with a salad and two hours at the gym.

I should be happy with 30lbs. But I have at least 20 more to lose. Why am I fucking around with these last 20 pounds? I've been stuck here since Christmas, for pity's sake. So what the fuck, Liz? What are you doing? Why aren't you doing what you know you should be doing?

I have made changes. I am not destined to always repeat the mistakes of my past. This, too, shall pass. This, too, shall pass.

What will help it pass with ease: plenty of exercise. Veggies and whole grains. Some chocolate. And lots of patience.

Doesn't hurt to back up that patience with amazing, inspiring friends who love an equally amazing portabella mushroom sandwich on a sourdough roll. Local beer. And a smoke. Yep, in addition to eating myself sick, I'm smoking.

***************

I went to spinning class this morning. Great workout with a very knowledgeable instructor. I also lifted before class started. I did a long-ish run yesterday and did better than I expected. Food has been less than fantastic. But that's ok.

I miss the fancy gym that I can't afford but joined for a week for free anyway. All the cardio equipment had personal TVs and there was shampoo in the showers and lots of light and shiny expensive newness. But now I go to a gym that I love. On paper. It's local, not a chain. It is in a restored carriage house. It's motto is "Movement is health. Take the first step." But the equipment is old. And it's dark. And you have to sign up for cardio machines. For 20 mins. Which is not enough, even according to the Surgeon General. But I think it's good for me to workout in community. To shake things up. Especially when facing "stuck" as I am.

And

2005-08-03T22:58:00.000-04:00

And sometimes a workout is just a workout. Sometimes it doesn't change my life. Sometimes it doesn't feel amazing, renewing, and transformative. Sometimes it's just super hard work and I hate every minute of it. Sometimes I beg quietly to myself to end it, now. Sometimes, like this morning. But I did it anyway. Even though I hated it. Even though I couldn't listen to music because the new gym isn't as fancy and doesn't have little CD players for each machine thereby forcing me to use my own CD player. And, of course, I can't use a portable CD player on the treadmill because it skips. Even though I was beside a lady who was running much faster than she could handle and was therefore holding onto the 'mill railings and pounding, no really slapping, her feet hard against the belt. Even though I had a headache and felt tired and sluggish because of the heat. Even though, I did it anyway.

The answer, I decided, was to come home and stuff myself. And discover that I didn't close my H2O container fully. Oh, yeah, and that my cell phone was sitting belly up in said pool of water. So now I have to get a new phone. Just when I decided that the purchase of an IPOD was possible and worth it, if it would improve my gym experiences.

Yeah, and I should not have complained about the temperature yesterday. It's still 90 here. And it's 11 at night. Will somebody please turn on the AC? That's right, I don't have any. Fantastic.

Sometimes a pissy mood is just a pissy mood.

now

2005-08-02T22:25:00.000-04:00

I increased weights at the gym this morning and I feel like a rock star. The kind of rock star that can bang out 6 biceps curls with 25lb dumbbells, backed by 2 sets of 8 with 20lbs. I feel incredible. Like I am possibly the strongest right now, at this very moment, that I have ever been.

I am also incredibly hungry. All the time. But I am so out of synch with normal "hunger" that I don't if I'm emotionally hungry or physically hungry. To be safe, I'm eating till I'm not hungry anymore. To be safe. What I probably should do is keep one of those food journals in which I write the way that I feel before I eat. But doesn't that go against the whole "that's that" attitude of this weekend? I have avoided refined sugar for two days. Not intentionally, but because I am trying to eat what sounds good. And today that happened to be a homemade wrap sandwich on homemade whole wheat chappatis, with my special hummus, the world's most amazing tomatoes, cukes, arugala, and fresh beets. And then another one.

I'm doing what I can, when I can. I just wish that my jeans would go along with it for a while.

I tried the "Arc-Trainer" at the gym this morning. Odd, very odd. No impact. What I really want is to swim. Doesn't that sound amazing? The cool water gliding past your tired muscles, ears surrounded by the muffled quiet of the water, and eyes focused on the black line beneath you? Can you tell that I don't have air-conditioning?

Tomorrow will find me hitting the 'mill. It's not supposed to get below 75 tonight. We'll see if sleep happens.

done

2005-07-31T20:10:00.000-04:00

Exercise abounds. Lately, I am nothing if not physical. I run, spin, and stand for hours. My time spent at the gym is quality. I attended my second spinning class on Friday. And it was hard. Real, real hard. Hard like the older woman in front of me was kicking my butt. Meanwhile, my butt was cursing the hardness of the bicycle seats. Yep, the rumors you have heard are true: spinning is a workout. The cross training is good for me, no doubt. And I enjoy the change of pace. I also appreciate somebody else psyching me up instead of being my own cheerleader all the time. I'm getting into lifting again as well. I took advantage of the nice weather this morning, as well as my ONLY day off all week, to go on a long-ish run outside. There was a race happening at the same time. Looking at the people competing and pushing themselves, I wanted to be an athlete. I envisioned myself pulling it together, training to get faster, not to work off my beloved cupcakes, and being a well-fueled machine of a person.

But as my dreams ran like so many lines of sweat down my back, I realized:

I'm not. And I won't ever be. And that's ok.

Because I like to spend most of my one (did I mention that I have only ONE day off a week?) day off curled around a great book, slowly thinking through it, and (sometimes) furiously taking notes. Because I love food. I love to prepare it, share it, and eat it. Because I wasn't made to subsist on lettuce alone.

That's that. I'm done complaining, bemoaning, and sometimes getting incredible frustrated with myself because I "can't" stick to a diet. Just. Done. I will continua to eat well. I will continue to exercise.

So, tonight I had a wonderful salad with veggies from my CSA, including tomatoes so amazing I wanted to swim in them. I shaved fresh beets and topped it off with fresh corn. I grilled some tofu and made pecan raisin rolls and enjoyed it all with a glass of wine. And then there was dessert.

************

In other news, the job is working me, hard. I am consistently dehydrated and hungry with throbbing feet and a sore head and throat. In answer to Mich's question, I teach ages 4-74, literally. The evals in question are from middle and high school students. They don't want to be there, they are usually forced to take the class by their parents. Yet their opinion of the course counts in a more quantitative way than mine?

goes

2005-07-25T19:47:00.000-04:00

Turns out that there is actually more to do in a gym than spend oneself on the treadmill, precor, or barbells. There's this class called Spinning. Early Monday mornings. Maybe you have heard of it? I went this morning. And holy screaming thighs begging for mercy, what a great workout. I liked not having to encourage myself and make myself push harder. Sometimes having a task-master is a very good thing. I was nervous about trying something new in front of a group of people. But it was ok because the class was super small and the lights were dim, so I felt good about not making ridiculous mistakes under bright lights. Moreover, spinning requires very little actual skill. It's not like those fancy aerobics class in which one needs an MFA to get through routines. Rather, spinners simply pedal. Pedal and crank that tension wheel. Pedal and stand up, up, up. Pedal and visualize the nastiest of all difficult climbs. Youch, what a great class! Great class accompanied by all local kick ass music! Sold.

I'm still going the gym regularly. It feels really good to intentionally sweat on a regular basis. The food choices, however need some attention. This evening, for instance. This evening some part of me felt chocolate chips cookies would make an outstanding dinner. Turns out? No surprise here: they don't.

But. But! I've been collecting my end of course evaluations. And the results are getting to me. Am I a good teacher or not? Are the kids the best to judge? Even though I have to dicipline them and give them lots of homework? I am not their favorite person, but they evaluate me. Is this fair?

All new classes start tomorrow. And so much to do before then.

Papers and papers to grade.

Oh, yeah, papers to write. Too!

Plus, I'm getting eaten alive by bugs.

And so, you can see how much I NEED to eat chocolate chip cookies for dinner.

Or so the story goes.

raise

2005-07-21T16:42:00.000-04:00

Not only did I go to the gym once. Not only did I enjoy one workout. Not only did I print off a free week coupon.

I joined a gym!

And! And!! I've been attending regularly!

I know. I know. This has only been since Tuesday. But I feel different. My body feels alive again. Like all these little capsules containing light, energy, and fluidity are firing away under my skin. I'm sore. My skin feels good from sweating. I have energy. I'm eating regularly. Granted, "regularly" is a far, far cry from any kind of weight loss food regime. I'm not counting carbs, calories, protein, or veggies. I'm just eating what feels good. This includes smoothies, lots (and lots!) of iced coffee, vodka, wraps, salads, and vegan cookies. It feels good. I feel good.

But, seriously, the news is the gym. Wow. To run in conditioned air is a blessing. Blessing to not breathe in the smog and humidity that is an east coast city summer. Blessing to be able to actually RUN and not stagger and/or walk due to complete and total exhaustion. I actually let out an audible moan when the treadmill kicked me into a cool down phase. I didn't want to stop. It felt too good.

And to that, I raise my vodka tonic high and toast, "To insanity!"

miss

2005-07-19T10:43:00.000-04:00

I thought this weekend would be the weekend of eating to end all weekends of eating. I guess I'm slowly getting back on track. Exercise is a little more consistent. Food is a little better. I'm working really hard on my attitude: everything is not shot to hell if it's not perfect. I have an "all or nothing" mindset. Lately, and for too long, it's been more like "nothing." I don't want "all" or "nothing." I want a happy, healthy in-between. A place that isn't constant struggle or punishment. I didn't get up in time to run outside today. And I ate breakfast out, which means I've eaten too much to repeat last week's yoga session. So I am going to a gym. I am going to print off one of those free week coupons and get moving. I miss lifting weights.

open

2005-07-12T12:56:00.000-04:00

I practiced yoga yesterday. Oh, did I practice. Once I got past the fact that my belly now extends significantly more than it did the last time I practiced, I really enjoyed it. Opening up my body, slowly and cautiously, one sun salutation at a time. I moved through the poses slowly. Because I have to. And because I wanted to. I visualized each muscle releasing, I let tension out with each deep exhale. I made a primal kind of sound with each exhale. Amazing. I actually started crying on the mat. The crying started with a down dog, the kind of down dog in which your calf muscles finally unclench and your heels magically reach the floor. And then the crying started up again while in camel pose. After this most recent dating disaster, it felt challenging and wonderful to open my heart and chest to the sky.

Course, I topped off the night with the biggest chocolate chip cookie I have ever seen. But I consider it an accomplishment that I only had one cookie and not four.

I might lift a weight or two when I finish writing this entry.

I even stopped at the local gym to get membership information.

Another job-related hazard: can't drink as much water as I should because I can't leave the class to pee. Teachers only get to pee at lunch because kids can't be left unsupervised. I had no idea. They (we) deserve more money just for the lack of bathroom breaks.

be fine

2005-07-10T20:36:00.000-04:00

The lack of clarity and level of incoherence in the previous post is astounding. What was I thinking? Seriously, they say that junk food will rot your brain and, damn, are they ever right.

Ta-da! I'm back! I write this with irony so thick I want to smooth it on the zucchini bread I polished off yesterday. I'm ready to start thinking of making healthy food choices and getting regular exercise. Note that I said "thinking about" and not actually "doing." The distinction between thinking and doing is significant for me because I can't just dive into major lifestyle overall. I need to take it step by step. I've found my way back to some self-destructive behaviors, like not eating all day and gorging all night, not moving unless absolutely required, and keeping all of this a dark secret. To that darkness I say: Light! Oh light of the early morning walk I enjoyed before work this morning. Oh light of the refrigerator door I opened to retrieve veggies for a salad. Oh, there was no light from the freezer as I searched for a(nother) cupcake and four toaster waffles with which to wash down aforementioned salad. But, whatever.

Things have been upside-down in my world lately. I don't handle upside-down well, I regret. I've been (was?) dating somebody that I actually like(d?). Yet instead of inspiring me to treat myself well, I flip out and quietly binge when she isn't around. And the silence of this eating eats away at me and my relationships. I intend to blow off the eating as she is blowing off me. Not that I'm bitter. This dating foray made me realize just how uncomfortable I am with my body. It is so much easier to fake confidence with strangers in bars, I'll tell you that much.

My new job provides new challenges for eating well. I'm teaching, a lot, all the time. And their often literally isn't time to eat. I've been bringing fruit and nuts, but that isn't cutting it. I am so hungry by the end of the day that I eat all night. I need to figure out how to include more filling foods throughout the door. One of the many good things about teaching is that I'm not sitting all day--I'm standing. So I feel more active, even in I'm technically moving less.

I know I can do this. I know I can find my way back. I know I can take care of myself. It will be fine. I will be fine.

words words words

2005-07-08T00:21:00.000-04:00

Holy lack of vegetables, Liz! Wow, has it been this long? Yuck, do I feel this sick? How quickly good habits fall away. I wish I had good things to report. I don't. I have all kinds of self-doubt and sabotage to talk about. So at least I'm not stumbling for words. I am, however, stumbling for the right words. Those magical words that will get me back on track. Ready to be inspired by salad again. Excited by yet another steamed vegetable. Satisfied by a good run and an apple. Lately, words simply distract. I have too many floating around me. Tempting words. Words like: Chocolate. Pretzels.

work it out

2005-06-30T12:48:00.000-04:00

Changes have been small. But significant. I incorporate some veggies everyday. And let the rest work itself out. I'm back to exercising. Because it makes me feel amazing and my day is easier and better after intentionally sweating. I even did yoga earlier this week. First time since the bike accident. And, oh, do my hamstrings feel the pain. I'm not exercising as much as I used to because I simply don't have as much free time as I once did and I choose to spend that time doing things like sleeping and eating.

I'm happy about the changes, however slight. My life feels relatively stable. And I'm okay with the fact that this newfound stability doesn't always include exercise and perfect food choices. I feel distant from trying to lose weight. And, indeed, I am. I just don't think about it much anymore. I want to, don't get me wrong. But I think I need to ride out this crazy summer before picking it up again whole-heartedly.

Blah. I don't like admitting this. But such it is. Thank you all for your encouraging comments! I sure need it.

Perhaps

2005-06-23T17:45:00.000-04:00

"I don't want to write," I said as my too tired eyelids struggled to blink, again.

"I don't need to think about eating well or exercising anymore," I exclaimed as I washed down a piece of cake with a can of coke.

"I feel good," I thought as I unbuttoned my now tight jeans.

Haven't been exercising.

Have been eating.

Haven't been eating well.

Have been eating a lot.

Miss running.

Miss feeling alive and energetic.

My internet has been down. So has my motivation. Hence, no posts. I'm also more busy than I have ever been in my life. I work all the time. Turns out that my new job doesn't take "I'm a delicate scholar" as a reason not to work. The poor food choices, lack of exercising, and hours of work make me one tired girl. And when I am one tired girl, the last things I want to do are eat well and exercise. You can see how this cycle easily repeats itself. It's the times when I need good habits that I always revert to the old ones.

I'm giving myself lots of credit because I think this is a phase. I seem to come here again and again, usually accompanied by a lot of change in my life. And there is a whole lot of change (and a whole lot of stress) in my life now. It's only been a week. I have faith that I will find a healthier path, soon.

That said, I also worry that my acceptance of the situation is because I can't see clearly. Because I can't face the fact that I've fallen completely off the wagon, will never find my way back on, and am doomed to regain it all. And perhaps I am.

glad to

2005-06-07T21:09:00.000-04:00

It's changed. Don't know how or why. But, suddenly, I stopped eating the world. I'm glad to be here again, glad to treat myself well, glad to let go of whatever that is. What is it? I need to figure it out. Do these cycles of eating too much come from something deep, dark, and repressed? Laziness? Or do old habits simply die hard? When will I figure it out? When will I call a ceasefire? I am so tired. So tired of dealing with it. Or am I just being too hard on myself? Holding myself up to unrealistic expectations? I don't think I am. If I were, I wouldn't be 25 pounds overweight.

I went to the gym last night to lift. Perhaps to remind me of why I lift at home, besides the out-of-my-reach cost: other people. Working out is my time to zone out, remove myself from the world and it's tensions. What I discovered is that said removal is impossible at the gym on a Monday night. But the weight, oh the weight. I will miss that bar with which I squat, deadlift, and benchpress. It really can't be replicated with a couple of girly weights in my living room. And, no matter how they annoy me, having other people around does encourage me to keep my form and focus.

I'm still running outside. It's fun (not to mention good for me) to be running through hills. Where I live is so woefully flat. Not that I consider "flat" to be "woeful" mid-run, of course. But, with perspective, hills do condition me to, well, run more hills. I've noticed an improvement in my running "speed" just in the past couple of weeks. Weee!

Once I feel more in control of my out of control eating habits, perhaps I will consider making a plan to actually attack the second half of the weight I want to lose. Or maybe I'll sign up to run a race instead. Better yet, maybe I can bust this dichotomous thinking and not see the two as mutually exclusive.

escape me

2005-06-05T17:30:00.000-04:00

Another morning spent cursing the Precor. Seriously, what's up with this machine? It really hit me today how much I have conditioned my body to respond to certain stresses, namely running my regular routes and lifting little weights in my living room. I can run 9 miles hitting 9.5 min miles. But I can barely make it for 30 mins on this Precor machine.

The gym is not as scary as I thought it would be. Not everybody is in amazing shape, though some certainly are. It doesn't feel like a meat market. Indeed, if anything, there is too much space: nobody talks! Two things I didn't expect: first, the wide array of people that work out. I don't have many, or any, friends that exercise openly. In fact, I'm a closeted exerciser too. So I find it reassuring that so many other people enjoy a good sweat. People that seem to have lives: they are reading, listening to music, zoning out. In other words, they don't seem to be narcissistic and self-obsessed, two things that I worry of being perceived as if people know that I exercise. Second: nobody stretches. Some do a couple of toe touches, but it rarely goes past a washing machine move at the waist. I love to stretch. I haven't officially practiced yoga in ages, but I incorporate yoga poses into my daily routine: backbends, downdog, and many forward bends. What's going on with this? Are they closeted stretchers? Or do they truly not stretch? How about you?

So far, I haven't eaten wildly out of control today. But I haven't made the best food choices either. But, really, anything is an improvement at this point.

Now I have to go back to obsessing about why She isn't calling. And pour a(nother) glass of wine.

***********

Krista tagged me for this meme. I like doing them as they provide a little structured time for self-reflection.

3 names I go by:
- Liz
- Elizabeth
- bebe (my little sister's pet name for me. No, you may not.)

3 screen names I've had:
- sappho3 (I know, I know)
- chaos
- (that's it. I've never been an instant message type)

3 physical things I like about myself:
- color and shape of my eyes
- my legs
- my lips

3 parts of my heritage:
- Irish
- British
- queer (trust me)

3 things I am wearing right now:
- jeans
- very thin short sleeve pink shirt
- black tank underneath

3 favorite bands/musical artists:
(I can't pick three. I'll list the three most recently played instead)
- ani d
- beastie boys
- mazzie star

3 favorite songs:
(today)
- Recoil
- Real Love
- Hallelujah

3 things I want in a relationship:
- challenge
- comfort
- laughing so hard we cry

3 physical things about the preferred sex that appeal to me:
- the curves, all of them
- softness
- lips, all of them

3 favorite hobbies:
- running (whoa, did I just write that?)
- reading
- writing

3 Things I want to do badly right now:
- write my term papers!
- discover a way to lose weight while eating whatever I want
- obliterate homophobia

3 things that scare me:
- dependency
- wind
- always wanting more

3 of my everyday essentials:
- fresh air
- paper and pen
- movement

3 Careers you have considered or are considering:
- professor of philosophy
- social worker
- midwife

3 places you want to go on vacation:
- Thailand
- (back to) India
- Mongolia

3 kids' names you like:
(IF I have kids, I will adopt. For obvious and political reasons).

3 things you want to do before you die:
- apologize to her, really
- live with very little, close to the earth
- sleep on a thai beach

3 ways I am stereotypically a boy:
- I can look like one, when I want
- I'm not big on crying
- the problems and concerns of long hair escape me

3 ways I am stereotypically a girl:
- I eat a lot of salads, yet am (still) overweight
- I don't grunt when lifting weights
- a fabulous piece of chocolate changes everything

3 celeb crushes:
(Sorry, no crushes on celebs. Lately, I've been too busy in the corner of some bar.)

Though all memes seem to end with me, I'd like to hear from Megan, Mich, Marla and/or vj.

The question is me

2005-06-04T20:41:00.000-04:00

I can't avoid it any longer. I've denied, excused, ignored, forgot, and disowned it. I'm trying to lose weight. More like: I'm trying to lose weight? Isn't it a problem that I have to phrase that as a question instead of a declarative statement? Yeah, I thought so.

Eating is epic. That can, and will, change. Tomorrow. I'm tired, slow, puffy, and have brought back that strange sugar heartbeat that I thought was gone forever.

I am, however, still working out. I even joined a gym near the apartment where I'm staying during training. Lifting weights has been great fun. Moving beyond the little dumbbells I usually use at home has opened up a whole new world of deadlifts, squats, and benchpresses. Not to mention some serious arm muscles. I've also been experimenting with cardio machines. I tried the Precor and StairMill this morning. I'll say this: I had no idea what gym people put themselves through. The Precor woke up muscles in my butt that I never considered mine before. The StairMill is the most sadistic machine ever invented. Give me running outside anyday! But it's a nice change of pace. Most annoying: none of my hard work is rewarded. I'm logging in quality exercise time for nothing. I eat away the results.

Clothes still fit. But they won't for long if things continue this way. I know I'm stressed: suitcase living, long days on my feet, writing papers at night, seeing old friends, trying to make new ones, and driving in dc rush hour traffic. Stress won't go away. And eating doesn't help. It's a choice that I make. And I can start making different choices at any time. It's my call. I've handled life with food for as long as I can remember. But I know there are other ways. And I trust that I will find them. One day. Sooner than later.

Despite the food-fest, I've been "dating" (read: making out) lately more than I ever have before. And this "dating" has led to a "crush" (aka: actual interest in an intelligent, funny, very cute someone). Further, this crush is reciprocated. So it would seem that I should be even more motivated to get control over the eating, right? Wrong. She likes me just the way I am. Damn her! The question is, then (and of course), back to me. Do I? In other words, do I like me as is? Too easy. The kicker: Am I happy with the lifestyle that produces this body?

Credit where it's due

2005-05-26T21:14:00.000-04:00

Marla left a great comment on a post a couple days ago. She said:

I love that last sentence about your corporeal politics! I think we all struggle with this issue - I don't like the idea of "giving in" to some sort of misogynistic cultural bullshit, but on the other hand... I'm not happy being fat. If I were able to TRULY feel strong and worthy and valid as a fat person, that would be a wonderful solution, but since I don't see that happening, I have to attack it from the other direction.

Maybe you can think of your fitness/weight quest as a Mens sana in corpore sano situation - when we're fat, we try to make a division between our minds and our bodies, because we don't feel the one represents us correctly (at least, I'm like that). maybe getting your body to where you want it, is about unifying conflicted parts of your self, or bringing your body up to par with your mind.

Here, here! I'll add that I really like being active. Running, biking, and lifting make me a dirty, strong, fearless, road-burned girl that certainly doesn't fit any of The Man's stereotypes.

**********

Speaking of stereotypes, I am in the midst of day 4 of out of control eating. It's gross. I feel slow and puffy. My workouts are suffering. I'm tired, I'm stressed, and I've been living out of a hotel room for a week now. Hard to keep the good habits going. I'm annoyed, angry, and frustrated with myself. I'm also a little scared. Ok, more than a little.

I am, however, going to an actual gym tomorrow. I'm excited to lift some serious weight. I lifted in a gym this weekend and WOW, what a difference good form makes.

Prophesy

2005-05-24T12:52:00.000-04:00

I'm back! It was ok. I survived. Surviving made possible by great friends. And kissing people whose names I may or may not remember. My weight didn't bother me for most of the trip. In fact, I felt really healthy, attractive, and alive (see the aforementioned make-out evenings). The west is so different from the east coast. Everybody seemed really healthy and happy; like they had just bounced down from a hike. And I joined them. I hiked. I walked. I woke up early and ran on the treadmill. I even lifted weights. There were some unfortunate food choices. But, whatever.

After less than a day at home, I am back in a(nother) hotel room. Training for my summer job. For three weeks. Three weeks of more the-deck-is-stacked-against-
me-and-my-fitness-goals. But that's ok. I'm committed to making it work. What I don't know if I can make work, however, is this blog. I don't know what my access to the internet will be. I hope to continue to post. If not, I promise to journal. Working through these thoughts and feelings has been really helpful to my, ahem, "success." What hasn't been successful, however, is eating reasonable portions of food. I'm inhaling everything that can't be nailed down. I attribute such inhaling to stress. I'm trying not to beat myself up about it. I'm still exercising. And hoping that this will pass.

Thank you, Megan, for passing the meme to me. I can avoid all details of the dark side of the trip and the way I so convinced the next couple weeks will do me in. And focus on one of my fetishes: Books!

You are stuck inside Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?

I admit, I haven't read it. I have, however, read 1984. So I'll talk about some implications of that book instead. What struck me most in terms of writing and literature in 1984 was the connection between language and ideas; specifically, the destruction of words in order to control thought. I think, then, that it is important to put the scary, hard to read, offensive work out there, even if it is burned. Because someone has to read it in order to want to burn it. And we can't erase what we've read. It stays with us. Words seep in and recall time and place whether we ask them to or not. I guess what I'm saying is that controversy around books in important inasmuch as controversy brings readers and readers bring memory and memory ensure that words are not forgotten.

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?

Ah, jeez, yep. I think my first was on Billy in Where the Red Fern Grows. I love(d) that book. The most recent: Jeanette in Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit. Don't ask me why I am just now reading this book. Should have read it a decade ago!

The last book you bought is?

Non-fiction:This Sex Which Is Not One and Speculum of the Other Woman, Luce Irigaray. I'm a graduate student of philosophy and I just started getting into Irigaray. I've read her before, but I don't think I had a firm enough grasp on the tradition about which she writes to understand her work.
Fiction: The Samurai, Julia Kristeva. The reason why french psychoanalysts don't write novels. This book.

The last book you read was?

Non-fiction: Hegel, Phenomenology of Spirit.
Fiction: The Kite Runner. Plane reading.

What are you currently reading?

Non-fiction: Anti-Oedipus: Capitalism and Schizophreniaa, Deleuze and Guattari
Fiction: Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit, Jeanette Winterson

Five books you would take to a deserted island?

1. Anything by James Joyce.
2. Where the Red Fern Grows, because I love it and it was the first book that made me think of myself as smart.
3. A Thousand Plateaus, Deleuze and Guattari. Because it's inspirational and never completely understood.
4. A Tale of Two Cities, because I want to read it before I die.
5. Best Lesbian Erotica 2001. Hey, I'm just being honest.

Mich, Krista, Kris, or anybody else, it's your turn!

Feelings, politics, possibilities

2005-05-18T19:00:00.000-04:00

I echo the being in awe of one's body. It is amazing. The more I exercise the more I wonder how far it can go, what it can do, and what we keep ourselves from doing by holding to self-imposed limits.

From Mich's comments to an earlier post.

In lieu of actually writing something myself, I present Mich's thoughts. "What we keep ourselves from doing by holding to self-imposed limits" is a great question and something I will think more about. Today's run was a perfect example. I told myself throughout the entire run that I was tired, overwhelmed, still hurt, and a bad runner. The result? No surprise here: a crappy, slow, boring, painful run.

I leave tomorrow morning for the wedding. I'm looking forward to the change of pace and going on some great hikes. But I am worried about this weekend for a lot of reasons. One of which is, of course, my weight. How long will it take to let this go? When will my feelings about my body catch up with my corporeal politics?

This, too

2005-05-17T11:27:00.000-04:00

Funny, that. How annoyed I am that my injuries haven't magically healed overnight. (Never thought I would miss exercising so much.) How impressed and proud I (secretly) am to actually have injuries. (I'm wearing tank tops, though it's still too cold, just to show off my bruises.)

I'm still pretty banged up from the fall. The bruises are beautiful: spreading colors of green, yellow, and black across my shoulder, arm, hip, and leg. I ran about 9ish miles on Sunday. My arm got really tired, from some muscular damage I suspect, but I was on pain meds and consequently felt no pain. Didn't lift. Yesterday was some light walking. Ran today. Without pain meds. And there was significant muscular trouble. I lifted, but with pathetically light weights. I need the psychological benefits of going through the motions. I hope I'm not doing damage to myself. I don't know how to handle the injuries, but I'm trying to listen to my body and do what feels good. So, while my running is slower and over shorter distances, I still do it. Then, too, while lifting light weights probably isn't doing anything for me physically, I still enjoy it. What I'm staying completely away from is yoga: I have too many cuts and scrapes to bear weight on my hands, arms, and legs.

As I admired my bruises and all their healing glory, I realized how lucky I am. Lucky to be fat. I think the damage would have been more significant if I didn't have some padding for the fall. I've heard this theory for older women: a little junk helps cushion the fall, and consequently round women don't get as many hip breaks as thin women.

The verdict: while I'm annoyed and miss my usual workouts, I also stand in awe of my body. It's ability to heal itself. It's survival instincts. I look at the bruises, these bruises that look different by the hour, and know that my body will take care of itself. I have faith that this, too, shall pass.

Triple time

2005-05-14T10:44:00.000-04:00

Megan brought up a great point in her comment to my post a couple days ago. She said:

I love that you said that shooting for a number on the scale doesn't "jive with your politics". I feel absolutely the same way, but it's so hard to feel that way and still have a fitness/health goal that is tied into a certain notion of beauty. I feel disloyal to my own politics sometimes because I do pursue fitness and healthy eating in some part because of vanity.

I struggle with this All The Time. None of my friends know that I am trying to lose weight. Most people don't know that I've started, and am now enjoying, exercise. I don't talk about losing weight for a couple reasons. First, I don't want to perpetuate our obsessive focus on our bodies. Second, I don't want to draw attention to my body. Third, I especially don't want attention to my shrinking body if the weight loss doesn't last. Forth, I haven't really wanted to, except recently. I've been so frustrated with my stalled weight loss that I do let it get the better of me. And it would be nice to vent a little to real-time friends about the head-pounding-against-the-wall frustration I'm holding inside. Then, too, I don't talk about diet or exercise because most of my friends are little intellectual types. They don't need to lose weight. And, as far as I can tell, they don't think too much about their bodies. We are, after all, in a discipline that denied the connection between the mind and body for a really long time: Philosophy.
*******
I think this means I need to make some new friends. People that are active. That go on hikes to do more than find a good spot to read and drink wine. Whose idea of a great weekend is going on a long bike ride, in addition to reading, for the 100th time, the Apology.
*******
I'm living a triple life. The intellectual, feminist life of someone who doesn't care about unrealistic beauty standards. A fierce athletic life, someone who loves to train and discipline her body. And the life of a dieter. Who is not feminist or athletic. Truth is, I'm not training for anything. I like to run, true, but technically I'm doing it to lose weight. Last week I ran for a bit with an incredible woman who has done the Ironman Triatholon! As she talked of her athletic exploits, I developed an even bigger crush on her. Then she asked me what I was training for. Imagine my embarrassment when I had to say, "Oh, um, I guess to get in shape and lose some weight." She paced with me for a few more yards before picked it up and left me in the dust.
*******
But I won't be exercising for a while anywho because I got into a wicked bike accident yesterday. Ouch. I'm not sure what went wrong because it happened so fast. I think my bike wheel got stuck on a street car track that this lovely city hasn't yet removed. I was flying down the street. First on the bike. And then in the air. I'm ok. I was wearing a helmet. I got really scraped up: I thought I broke a rib because it hurt to breathe and I was worried I had a concussion. I didn't go to the Emergency room because my crappy student health insurance only covers up to $300 for such care, but my sister is a nurse. With her over the phone diagnosis, it turns out that I just really banged myself up. Today, it feels like I was hit by a bus: everything is sore. It was a rest day anyway, so I'm milking it. For today.

So now I get to go to the wedding tomorrow with bandages all over my hands, arm, and leg. That should make for a good conversation starter, but not great pictures. And, Megan, none of these weddings are the ex's. She is next weekend. You'll know when that happens, trust me. There will be some seriously angsty posts next week.

Other new-ish news

2005-05-12T16:12:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about this post all day. For a couple reasons. First, it's strange the way that I don't know what I'm thinking till I'm actually writing it. Like do I really care if these couple of guys were interested in me? Have I no better way to establish self-esteem and happiness with the way that I look? Hrgh. I hate when I'm right! Seriously, the difference between the interest from the aforementioned folks and the other slobs that usually hit on me is that I'm actually interested in the previously mentioned. I walked into the reception and immediately noticed the two guys. And thought they were out of my league. Realtor is beautiful. I've had a crush on the friend that came to visit forever. But, even more seriously, who cares? I need to find a way to establish feeling good about myself regardless of what anybody else thinks.

Second, the two blogs mentioned below aren't the only ones that have affected the way I view "diet" and "exercise."

Megan, at Escape Velocity, is an inspiration. Her focus on enjoying movement and her body consistently remind me of what's really important. Also, she seems dedicated to figuring out that elusive mind/body connection that I am always ramming my head against.

Mich, at Maspik Teruzim, gives me a good, level-headed perspective on getting fit and losing weight. She seems to approach this challenge with an objectivity that I lack. Plus, lately she's been posting about weight-lifting technique, which I also lack.

I appreciate that both Megan and Mich focus on the activities they do and don't seem obsessive about whether or not they eat dessert.

Just when I think I'm accepting myself where I am, I start to panic. (Cue internal monologue). Am I really done losing weight? But I'm still fat! Will I ever be thin enough? Am I quitting because it's not working? Or is it not working because I'm quitting? Did I try hard enough? Does one have to vigorously monitor every bite consumed in order to lose weight? Will the rest come off with sustained good nutrition and exercise? What about the emotional eating? Have I tricked myself into believing that I'm done that as well?

Better Believe

2005-05-12T10:18:00.000-04:00

No posts. No free and clear space in my head. I'm all over the place, physically, emotionally, spiritually. Especially when it comes to weight loss and dealing with my new body and lifestyle. One minute, I think I'm the hottest woman alive. The next, I'm sure I am the fattest, bloatest, ugliest woman still waddling around. Minutes later, I'm an incredible athlete who runs, rows, lifts, holds tough yoga poses, and is considering rock climbing (yes, you read that right!). Later that day, I'm a lazy individual who hasn't moved from her desk in hours.

I don't know if I'm done losing weight. I know that I'm done worrying about it. I can't force myself to "diet" anymore. I don't want to cut back even more what I'm eating. I get hungry, tired, and have no energy. I don't want to pass up drinks and dessert and weddings. Hell, if I have to go to these functions, you better believe that I'm milking it. I want to continue to eat healthy. I want to continue to limit the number of desserts a week. The scale shows progress so slow it makes me cry. So no more weighing. It's not about the weight anymore. It's about me, who I've become, who I want to one day be.

To that end, I've discovered a new blog: Meg, at I Am That Girl Now, writes about maintaining her weight loss. She reached "goal;" I have a while yet to go. But I can't keep up the "diet" mentality anymore. And working for a certain number just isn't what I'm about. It doesn't jive with my politics.

What I want to be is an athlete. No matter how much I weigh. I thereby present new blog number two: Brave Athena. She is a fitness, feminist inspiration. Doing her thing regardless of her weight.

********

One wedding down, four to go. Not too bad, weight journey wise. Lots of drinks and good and good times with great people. Really, this was the best wedding I have ever attended. On a political sidenote, I shouldn't say "wedding," I should say "commitment ceremony" as they are a straight couple that chose not to get legally married in support of queer couples who are forbidden to do so. I stopped going to the weddings of straight couples who didn't acknowledge their privledge a long time ago.

Two guys came on to me at this wedding. In a big way. In a flattering way. These pick ups, coupled with the, um, connection with the friend that came to visit a while ago, the night out a couple weeks ago, and my realtor's recent advances give me even more ammunition for my perspective on the weight "loss."

********

Yes, realtor. I'm buying a condo!

********

Plus, I went shopping yesterday. More proof of my screwy head and changing body: size 10 pants were fitting. But I didn't buy then because I was sure they wouldn't fit for long. I did, however, buy some little summer shirts.

Reasons? Excuses? Challenges.

2005-05-06T14:21:00.000-04:00

And so it continues. “It” being informed food choices and heart-pounding exercise. Yesterday was bad. Negativity intended. No reason for me not to wake up and exercise. No reason for me to eat anything I could get my hands on. No reason. But every reason.

First. I’m feeling overwhelmed. Incredible, can’t see the end, impossible kind of overwhelmed. So I don’t get out of bed in the morning. Because I can’t face it. I’m not usually a stress-sleeper. I’m much more of a stress eater. But lately it’s been all about the sleep. And if I sleep in, I don’t exercise. If I don’t exercise, and I’m overwhelmed and blue anyway, maintaining a semblance of control over what I eat is impossible.

Second. It’s the end of the semester and academic year. May is worse than the winter holidays for graduate students. I’ve had parties every night this week. They are unavoidable as every class wants to celebrate. Between the classes I teach and the ones I take, I had two parties most days this week. And, unlike the holiday parties I attend, end of year parties are usually at bars, for dinner and drinks. Bars don’t serve steamed veggies. And I am a sucker for all things alcoholic. I didn’t handle any of these challenges well. I’ve eaten rich and heavy food every day, usually twice a day. I know that I could eat a salad for attending events, but I really can’t because I can’t be the only person not eating lunch or dinner for a class celebration. For one thing, I don’t have a lot of money. I can’t turn down free food. For another thing, it’s socially expected to share in the meal. What’s more, I refuse to be the dieting woman that nibbles her carrot while everyone else eats Indian food. (Indian food, by the way, is my most beloved of all cuisines.) I’m the salad woman every other week of the year. I can’t deny myself all the time. The downside is that I feel bloated and lethargic, which only encourages the sleep in/poor eating cycle.

Today is back on track. I did an actual running “workout” this morning. I usually just lace up the sneaker and hit the pavement for x number of miles or minutes. But today I did hill repeats (for which I ran up and down an incline several times) after warming up and before cooling down with a slow jog, and “speed” intervals in between the hills on flat ground. It was fun, challenging, and required complete focus.

To add calories to end of semester parties, this weekend begins the wedding season. How much temptation can one dieter take?

In other words

2005-05-05T10:03:00.000-04:00

For the first time in a very long time, I went back to bed after waking up to run. That is, I went back to bed before running. Which is to say, no exercise on a planned exercise day. I'm feeling low: tired and blue. On days like today, not exercising is probably the worst thing I can do for myself. But this was, nonetheless, the choice that I made. So I will run today's workout tomorrow, which is usually a walking/yoga day. My diet, fitness accomplishments, and life will not be blown to pieces as a result of this poor decision. But, damn, does it ever feel like they will.

1, 2, 3...oh where is the 4th?*

2005-05-02T11:56:00.000-04:00

One day was liberating, two days was sad, three days was just plain annoying.

Enough with the off plan eating! Yes, I am in shape. Yes, I bought a size 10 skirt to wear to a wedding this weekend. (This is not, however, a real size 10. I tried on a million skirts and they were all size 12. No surprise which one I bought!) Yes, I am running strong, lifting hard, and looking pretty good. But none of this means I can eat whatever I want when I want. For three days in a row. A day now and then, fine. Dessert occasionally? Couldn't do this without it. For three days? The rest of the weight will not come back off if I continue to eat this much. No drama. No tears. Just the facts, ma'am.

Now that we cleared that up, I did an awesome kickboxing workout this morning. I imagined some of the people that are causing a great deal of stress in my life on my punching bag. Yet another reason why I like to exercise: the sweet taste of revenge.

Marla's response to my water dilemma was helpful. Before her comment, I had just been beating myself up for not drinking enough water instead of trying to figure out a solution. Duh! A bigger glass will probably work for me. I will drink it if it is in front of me. But, if I'm working, I won't refill it for a while once it's gone. And, Chris, my moods probably are contingent on what I eat. Double duh! I've heard of people keeping a food/mood journal--you know, journaling what you eat along with how you feel when/after you eat it. Maybe this is the inspiration I need to start recording what I eat again?

*I am, officially a big dork. And so are you if you know the reference. Butchered from the first line of Plato's Timaeus: "One, two, three, but where, my dear Timaeus, is the fourth?"

Ready, set

2005-05-01T12:55:00.000-04:00

It's amazing how disconnected I am from my actual blood and bones body. I mean, I'm connected to it...but in an abstract kind of way. I have no idea what I actually look like. Nor do I have any idea what I am actually capable of physically doing. I spend much of my day denying that I have a body: working long hours at a desk so deep into my head that I forget to drink water and lose all track of time. It's little wonder, then, that my body image is distorted. And not based on anything remotely connected to reality. Case in point: after my bring-the-world-to-it's-knees attitude on Friday, and some less than ideal eating, what should happen on Saturday? It should come as no surprise: I felt like crap about myself. I put on the fat pants, even though they are huge and don't fit. I tried to convince myself that I was too fat to run. I haven't pulled out this excuse since October! (And, for the record, it did not work. Go me!) I felt puffy and bloated and lethargic all day. For no reason! It seems silly today. Today after my glorious run along the river during which I felt strong and lean. But yesterday? Yesterday it felt helpless. I actually cried last night because I somehow "knew" that I would gain it all back. Consequently, I ate off plan. I did, however, run and lift weights.

What's up with this? I'm back in my usual clothes today. Which, by the way, are still all loose. And today I feel alive and ready to tackle the last 20 pounds. I don't have any answers for the mood swings. What I learned from yesterday is that I need to do some work on my body image. I don't yet know what this work will entail. But it is essential that I get more in touch with my actual body. I think that this might be key in getting through the home stretch.

****************

I didn't run the race this morning, for two reasons: registration was $30 and it was only 10 miles. I certainly never thought I would ever write "only 10 miles"! My reasoning: $30 is a lot of money on my student budget. So if I'm going to shell it out, I want it to be really worth it, for something like a, gulp, half marathon.

The bottom line

2005-04-29T18:50:00.000-04:00

I'm back. I'm tired, but I'm back. I'm hung over, but I'm back.

This week has been so busy. I threw myself into school and work like there was no ground to catch me. I worked into the early morning. I lost time. And I love that. I feel so lucky to have the opportunity to give my work my heart and soul. It is, however, really draining. And crushing. When all that work isn't so well received.

Remarkable. No overeating, till tonight that is. I am really proud of myself for getting through this week without going off plan. I even kept up with the exercise. I attribute staying on plan to the suggestions that Kris gave me. This is what I did:

1) I moved my desk to change my perspective.
2) I bought flowers for my desk.
3) I ate at regular intervals.
4) I exercised.
5) I relaxed about the whole thing.

What I discovered: it is all about pattern and attitude. I think that I couldn't get through the 'eating while writing' problem because it was a pattern--I always did the two things together. And, like I've been saying, this weight loss thing isn't so much about the technicality as it is about making significant practical and psychological changes. I did both this week. Physical: literally changing the space in which I work. Practicing light yoga. Eating often. Psychological: Consciously releasing stress about food, exercise, work and life in general. Lots of deep breathes, lots of walks, lots of dancing by myself.

Things didn't go so well today, however. Interesting that the first day off I have I don't exercise or eat well. Part of the problem is that I stayed out till 5 in the morning. To contextualize, I usually wake up at 5:15 in the morning. So when my alarm went off as I was brushing my teeth before bed, I was more than a little amused. So I am over-tired. And hung over. So I made poor food choices and didn't exercise. But I don't feel badly about it because it wasn't about hating myself or sabotaging my efforts as much as it was about taking a day off. I don't know if being so easy on myself about this wagon falling will ultimately hurt me, but right now it feels healthy.

That said, I so have not forgotten that the ex's wedding is in but 3 weeks. Shit! That'll put the fear of chocolate in a girl.

Bottom line: I feel good. My jeans are nice and loose. I feel strong and in control. Good things are happening!

A Ways Round

2005-04-24T13:13:00.000-04:00

Oh yeah. I just ran such an incredible long run. Those little endorphin babies are flying around and I feel like I'm floating. I didn't want to. I wasn't going to. I was already reading and getting an outline together for the paper I have to write before Wednesday. Then I did. You know you are hard up for procrastination activities when you start exercising.

And it was fantastic. Perfect weather: upper 40s. Light breeze. Lots of folks out for a walk-a-thon something. Raced a great partner near the home stretch. She was yards ahead of me throughout the run. I knew that I wanted to catch her, but I wasn't confident it would happen. Slowly, I closed the gap between us. By mile 8 I was feet behind her. Mile 9: right behind. I could have passed her, but I knew a big hill was coming up and I could use that momentum to carry me past without a lot of effort. And, wouldn't you know, that's exactly what happened. But I didn't get too far ahead. I looked back as I passed some walkers and she was, literally, right there! I picked it up and it was on. We raced! And I beat her!

I know, I know, this weight loss thing is about challenging myself to become the person that I want to be and the only person I compete with is myself, blah, blah, blah, but sometimes? Sometimes it feels really good to compete with someone else. And win.

So after these two great long runs with a competitive streak, why I am so hesitant to do the half marathon next weekend? It feels like I am diving into water without knowing how deep it is. I've never run that far before and I really don't know if I can add another 3 miles to my usual 10 mile runs. But, if I could, it would be a lot of fun.

And why, if I am running fitness into the ground, am I still fooling around with the eating side of it? I'm still playing by the rules. Technically. But those rules are bent beyond recognition. I'm nothing if not really good at finding ways around authority. I can spot a weakness almost as well as I can eat myself right through a diet. I'm not using the calorie-counting software, though I do jot down what I eat. I haven't eaten "dessert" but box of cereal that I bought yesterday has somehow disappeared.

Problem: I'm still emotionally eating. And I want to find a way through this. But right now it seems like all signs point towards failure. The next couple days, with a big paper to write, should be interesting. Kris gave me some great ideas about how to get through the writing/eating connection. I will put them to use. And report back on how it goes.

But right now? Right now it's about the run. And, damn, what a run.

Challenge Comfort

2005-04-21T09:14:00.000-04:00

I have a list of things I want to write about. I have lists and ideas and energy. What don't I have? Time. When I first started losing weight I made a conscious decision that weight loss would come first over other things. Going to the grocery store for healthy food was more important than going to a non-required lecture, for instance. I don't have that luxury right now. Weight loss isn't number one in my world. Probably a good thing. It has become more of a habit. I get up and run in the morning because that is just what I do. Like how I brush my teeth and usually eat breakfast. Granted, I have my rebellious mornings. But for the most part, I'm getting the job done.

Which is to say, I am going through the motions. But my head isn't in it. My head is in books and papers and summer jobs. I'm not reflecting or journaling about the changes I've established and the ones that are still being incorporated. And isn't it the changes that define this game we call losing weight? It's a matter of calories in, calories out. But this equation is deceiving. It's not as easy as it sounds. To get it to work, we need to move significantly beyond our comfort zones. And these challenges requires head-work. Case in point: I've made peace with running in shorts. Because I had to. Because I refuse to give it up because I don't like how I look in them. Simple, right? Not quite. I did some heavy lifting in the self-esteem work-out room. And, like yoga, I have to keep practicing if I want to keep the esteem up.

I'm running late. Again. So much more to say about this. Another day.

The End

2005-04-18T11:03:00.000-04:00

I hereby declare the end of a successful Dessert Challenge! I am so proud of myself it is kind of ridiculous. I started getting down on myself last night when I reviewed the week, thinking "but I didn't practice yoga at all!" and "I still ate 'too much'!" but ultimately objectivity won. Yoga was not part of the Dessert Challenge. Nor was hitting a certain calorie intake. This week was all about cleansing my system from white sugar. I did. And it feels great!

I like the rhythm of this plan, so I will continue with it, "it" being dessert once a week. This week I'm adding two new goals:

1. Track calories. The software is here. No getting around it.
2. Practice yoga once. My body needs the stretching. I was really tight during my long run on Sunday.

Speaking of long runs on Sunday, why didn't I get the memo that every runner in the city was doing some kind of race yesterday morning? I was the only non-registered runner out there. Having the racing runners around me reaffirmed my desire to enter a race. I shaved 5 minutes off my time! Just from pushing myself with the energy of the crowd. There is a half marathon in two weeks, 13 miles, but I don't know. I think the distance might be a little much. Yes, I run 10 miles (ok, more like 9.5) once a week. But I am exhausted by the end. Can I add another 3 miles (ok, 3.5) to that?

Mind Control

2005-04-16T10:27:00.000-04:00

Getting back to a post from last week: 95% of dieters regain the weight they lose. 95%! I will not be one of them. The exercise is here to stay. And despite some horrendous off-plan-ness, I have maintained my weight. Don't get me wrong, even though I am so sick of maintaining that I could call the whole thing off, I am glad that I have, at the very least, found a way to keep myself at a sort of more healthy weight.

What is it that the 5% who successfully keep the weight the lost off? As an article in O 'zine explains, they do it with their heads. This article, "It's All in Your Head," attributes lasting weight loss to strong "left-brain" activity. That is, the more controlling, disciplined, structured, and routinized you are, the more likely you are to maintain a loss. The author suggests that the left-brain favors weight loss maintenance because it allows for the mind-numbing work of losing weight: the tracking, calorie counting, and meal planning, as well as provides a more objective outlook on the process, which, the authors proposes, will allow a dieter to notice shortcomings and not throw in the towel with an exacerbated sigh.

Carol Mithers, the author, then suggests that the key to maintaining weight loss is to cultivate the left side of one's brain through non-weight loss related activities, like alphabetizing your CDs and organizing your closet, in order to strengthen the brains ability to stick to a plan.

A lot of this article rang true for me. When I first started losing weight, I found that I had to change the way I was living my life is I was going to be successful. I had to plan when I would go to sleep, eat, exercise, study, and work. At the same time, however, what's kept me from gaining (and therefore, in my eyes, sorta successful) is that I've been flexible. I've tried losing weight before and I always gave up because I wasn't 'perfect': missed exercise, dessert, fried food would not have caused me to step back and think, as I do now, but instead would have sent me on a month long spiral of eating and not exercising. I used to be an 'all or nothing' kind of girl. So, the fact that I can have a rough time sticking to the Diet and still exercise is huge for me, significant to long-term weight control, and the reason I am still here, plugging away.

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Great run this morning. Beautiful weather, chilly, no wind. I felt strong and in control. Lifted light and long sets. Sore biceps. Still on plan eating. Not tracking. Truth?: don't really care about not tracking because I feel in control.

Heads

2005-04-15T19:35:00.000-04:00

Lotsa good stuff happening, in my head, belly, and muscles. I'll tell you this much: I turned down FREE vegan carrot cake samples. Not because one bite will destroy the Dessert Challenge, but because one bite never stops at one bite, for me. I did kickboxing this morning and went on a long walk this afternoon.

I think I'm ready for some athletic challenges. So many bloggers out there race and compete, so why can't I? I considered it a few months ago, but I thought I needed to be at goal before I could become a real athlete. But why not now? I regularly do 10 mile runs. If I was feeling really brave I might say that I am in pretty good shape. And I am just that brave! So the plan is to look into athletic events in the area.

I do best under pressure. I was meeting my exercise and diet goals, oddly, during the time of year that it should be the hardest to stick to diet and exercise programs: the holidays. But, somehow, the stress of tempting food, cold temperatures, and lots of snow kicked me into high gear and I became extra vigilant. So far, the Dessert Challenge is working similarly. Course, we'll see how it goes this weekend before calling heads or tails.