chaos in oneself

big

2006-07-27T21:25:00.000-04:00

Goal reached: 145, size 10.

How odd and unexpected and sneaky. My pants were snug, then perfect, then loose, now huge. I take at least two full rest days a week. For dinner tonight I polished off a huge salad, half a (cheese free) pizza, and a vegan cupcake. Washed down with a beer.

Yet when I stepped on my neurologist's scale, there it was: 144.5.

It feels like I don't really deserve this, because I didn't work for it. At all. I haven't been doing anything differently than I always do. What is it? Actually sleeping and enjoying life and not being constantly stressed out? The slow drag of worry and depression that haunt my days as I deal with the events of April? Hard to say.

And, because I didn't earn it, I worry that I won't be able to maintain it. Because it's not like I lost it by making specific concrete changes that I can now incorporate into my every day living. 145 just arrived, slowly, yet suddenly.

And it's not as good as I was hoping it would be. I'm not magically happy with my body. I really really miss my breasts and I think that my arms looked better with more weight on them and my stomach still has a substantial roll.

Despite all of this. I wanted to come here again to acknowledge that I achieved this goal, this goal of 145 and size 10. It's not a big deal. But, you know? It kind of is.

clarify

2006-04-18T20:16:00.000-04:00

It occurs to me that I should be a little more specific about my medical stuff because it really isn't that scary. Or it really doesn't have to be that scary. But it is a huge wake up call. I had optic neuritis and was hospitalized to treat it with massive amounts of steroids. While the optic neuritis was pretty bad at the start (with areas of complete blindness and loss of color) my recovery was, quite simply, fantastic. I have completely recovered my vision. Optic neuritis suggests a potential large health concern: multiple sclerosis. I'm learning that it is difficult to make an MS diagnosis, and I won't know for sure if I develop it for several years. That said, all my MRIs came back clean. I'll get the spinal tap results in a couple of weeks. And I have an appointment with a kick ass doctor who studies the connection between optic neuritis and MS. For now, I'm healing the eye trouble (with steroid tapers) and learning about MS (thank you google). The meds work me over good. But, considering, I'm feeling really good.

everything

2006-04-18T09:33:00.000-04:00

Not dead. Though it seemed like it at times. Not dead. But a new start. Quite literally, everything in my world has changed over the past month.

School: dropped out, asked back
Love: hard and good, broke up, hard and good
Health: consistent yet shocking

School took me for such a ride these past months. One of the big reasons I stopped writing here was that I had no time or energy. School occupied all of my mind and energy. I hated it and hated it but hid from the hate until I couldn't hide any longer and walked into my advisor's office and dropped out.

Love blew my mind these past months. She's rocked me, challenged me, held me, asked me, begged me. I surrendered to her, lost her, found her, trusted her.

My body has confounded and impressed me these past months. Consistent exercise and diet. Maintaining a healthy weight. Feeling alive and strong. Healing the injuries, running 8 strong miles. That night, hospitalized. Loss of vision. Emergency admit for a week. I'm out now, recovering. I don't want to go into details because I'm not ready to start processing it all. I'm on a lot of medications. I'm weak. I get really, really winded from *walking*. Seriously, walking. I thought I was taking good care of myself. I thought I found peace with my body. But still, even though I looked good, I wasn't healthy. I was always fighting my body. I don't need to focus on dieting or exercising anymore. I need to focus on love and gentle care. I need to stop pushing myself. I'm looking at potential long term complications and problems. Some of which might be managed through better nutrition (think B vitamins and omegas. Please! Start eating them now!)

After getting out of the hospital, my advisor came and asked me back to the program. Saying they would do whatever they could to get me through. Saying they wanted me. But now the question is, do I want them? I'm on medical leave for the rest of the semester. I have the time and space to reconstruct my life. But how? Where? What do I want to do? Who do I want to be?

But why am I writing this here? I don't want this journal to die an unkept death. I want to put it to rest. But, like everything else in my life right now, I'm not sure that I'm ready to let it go. I'm learning to dwell in indeterminacy. Let's start here. This journal is not focused on what I am now focused on. But that doesn't mean I have to close it forever. It doesn't mean it was worthless and a waste of time. To the contrary, looking back through my posts, I see my progress and the usefulness of what sometimes felt like a "I can't stop eating" broken record." Maybe I'll be back when my appetite returns and I can walk around without worrying about a heart attack. Maybe I'll change focus. Maybe this will stand as quiet testimony to how far I came and offer some tiny glimpses into how far I will go.

wish

2006-03-06T09:14:00.000-05:00

Oh girl, I am such a cliche. My girlfriend is out of town, and suddenly I am seeing all my friends again, feeling lonely, staying up late watching teevee, not exercising, and eating junk. I am such a cliche. Monday morning I declare, today I will change my behavior! And I will, and I already have.

This weekend was a hedonistic glow of good friends, spring break, alcohol, and kicking food (homemade tofu pad thai with fresh, fresh lime, amazing soba noodles with a coarsely ground peanut sauce, cookies, cake, hot chocolate, chocolate fondue, homemade pizza with the softest crust I have ever made). There has been no significant exercise. A lot of walking, but not full out cardio sessions. I also got a lot of homework done. But these things are neither here nor there. I'm committing to an exercise plan for the week.

Monday: spinning, lifting, yoga
Tuesday: easy short run (my foot has been doing great. It's all about birkenstocks.) Pilates, maybe in the evening. Walk to town in the afternoon.
Wednesday: lifting and spinning
Thursday: easy short run, walk in the afternoon
Friday: lifting, spinning, yoga
Saturday: off!
Sunday: spinning

I made it to yoga once last week. Not my goal, but improvement nonetheless. I've been to the gym for spinning. I didn't lift there because they are redoing the floor of my gym. But I did lift at home after class. And I've eaten a healthy breakfast of oatmeal, apple, and soymilk. I will also eat a nice lunch. I have dinner/beer plans after yoga class, but, come on, it's spring break.

*************

I can't believe Brokeback Mountain didn't win. I loved that movie. It made me cry, think, love, and be grateful. Grateful that I can walk down the street holding my girlfriends hand without fear...oh, wait a minute, I can do that in certain sections of town, of my very liberal northeastern city. But I couldn't do that in many parts of the country. I've been called every name imaginable. I've survived homophobic violence. I've been ignored, fixed up with men, an listened to some really gross propositions from straight men. I listen to arguments about why I should and can change. It is against the law for me to marry. My mother stiffens every time I've mentioned love. What hit me most about the 2004 election was the outright hate directed towards the queers. Before the election, I thought of homophobia as a sort of visceral, knee-jerk, ignorant reaction to something people didn't understand because they had never known gay people. But that isn't what's happening here. What happening is systematic hate. Some people want to deny me basic civil rights. They really think I, I, the girl who donates an afternoon every week to the homeless shelter across the street, who cries for cats in animal shelters, whose heart breaks over for who suffer, am evil. I can't believe Brokeback Mountain didn't win.

Edited to add:

It's not really Brokeback that got me so upset. I've been thinking and reading a lot this weekend, and all of it seems to be piling up on me. South Dakota, the woman killed and raped in NYC, the rape victim down south who was going to have to watch the tape of her attack, the rape victims in Libya are jailed, the history behind us, the way philosophy and theory upholds dominant power structures, the road ahead, all seemed to come down in one big disappointment when Brokeback didn't win. I haven't seen crash, but it makes me feel better to know it dealt with racism.

wrong

2006-03-04T14:13:00.000-05:00

I can't believe how much I eat and still maintain my weight. To recap, I'm not trying to lose weight anymore. I'm trying to live in balance and accept my body for what it is. I've lost around 35lbs and weigh around 155, on a good day, after a good workout, first thing in the morning, stark naked. My goal weight was 145 but I stopped trying to reach that number when it became clear to me that I just didn't want to lose the last 10 pounds. I didn't want to live constantly in a gym, constantly feeling guilty about food. I still battle bad body image and still have rough days accepting myself for not being my goal size 10. But I'm working on it.

So I'm maintaining. And living. This is what a typical living diet looks like:

breakfast: smoothie(two fruits, soymilk, green veggie powder), Lara bar, or oatmeal and Lara bar
snack: cashews, or latte, or vegan cookie of some sort
lunch: sometimes skipped, sometimes salad, sometimes latte, sometimes tofu stir-fry
snack: latte, or carrots and humos, or apple and almond butter, or cashews
dinner: salad with lots of veggies and tofu, or portebello mushroom sandwich at a bar, or soup and salad and bread, or frozen cheeseless pizza
dessert: never missed
add a couple of alcoholic beverages of sometimes, and you have yourself a day in the life of my caloric intake.

Crazy! When I was trying to lose the last 10 pounds, this is what I would eat

breakfast: scant amount of oatmeal, fruit, coffee, soymilk
snack: hah!
lunch: salad, bean salad
snack: hah!
dinner: salad, tofu
dessert: hah! alcohol: hah!

How is it possible to go from these two extremes? And, please note that I went down 5 pounds once I started eating more. I hovered at 160 for the goddamned longest time before giving up. I have also been exercising much less due to my injury and girlfriend.

Speaking of girlfriend, she is out of town for two weeks and I am on Spring Break so I will be updating much more frequently than usual. I miss her. Is this wrong? We've been seeing each other for only a couple of months and I miss her. She's become a regular at my apartment, especially on Saturday afternoons.

control

2006-02-28T09:32:00.000-05:00

Oh, how I am avoiding writing about diet and exercise. Everything in my life feels out of control. Including sticking with a reasonable diet and exercise program.

Oddly, not-running has become like starting a diet used to be--"I'll not run tomorrow," I think to myself as I lace up my sneakers. I haven't been running ever day, for sure, but I did run two days again last week and I ran yesterday. To be honest, my foot feels pretty ok. I've kept the runs short and spend time every morning and evening soaking (in Epsom salt), stretching, and massaging my feet. I took two full days off entirely last week and feel ok about that too. As I think back over the week, I recognize that it was all pretty good. My exercise schedule isn't what it used to be, it is much more relaxed, but I am still healthy and still maintaining my weight. I did not do any yoga last week. This week, I would like to practice yoga twice.

Speaking of weight, my girlfriend now knows how much I weigh. We went to the health clinic a couple of weeks ago to get STI tests (for the record, yes, we are adorable little lesbians). I went first and things were moving fast and chaoticly, and I was stuck with a needle for blood, then pushed onto a scale and before I had time to take off my heavy blazer and say "don't say my weight out loud" the nurse announced it:

160

My girlfriend mock covered her ears and we laughed. I brought it up later--how does she feel having a girlfriend with 30 pounds on her? (she weighs 130). We had a good conversation and I got a lot of my issues out there. Bottom line: I am happy with how I look and the shape of my body, I think I'm attractive, and so does my girlfriend. She has been alerted to my sometimes sensitivity around body issues and has not made negative remarks since then.

Plus, I was secretly delighted with the 160 reading. In the middle of the day! With lots of water and food in me and heavy clothes on me! Not too shabby.

I guess everything IS okay diet and exercise wise. My life just doesn't look like what it used to look like. Between a new relationship and re-evaluating graduate school (yep, you read that right. That's another post.), there have been a lot of changes. I'm trying to take it all in stride.

And, not so secretly, I am pleased with the changes. I like not obsessing over working out every day and pushing, pushing, pushing myself with each workout. It's nice to scale back a little and let my body heal.

react

2006-02-19T20:53:00.000-05:00

Forgive me, runner-injury-gods, for I have sinned.

Though I swore off running for a month, though I dredged through two souless weeks without running, though I thought I could do it because I was not doing it so good....

I ran. I ran this week. OK, ok, I ran TWICE this week.

But, but, it's not my fault! I tried to spin. But the classes were full!* I tried to do a cardio machine, but I forgot my IPOD and I absolutely refuse to listen to the crap my gym pawns off as "music." I tried to rest, but I kept eating chocolate and bread and needed to work it off. I tried to reduce my stress, but life happens.

I ran twice this week. This will not happen again. I'm back to hobbling around my apartment. I will call the night before spinning to sign up for class. I will bring my IPOD. I will pull my diet together.

Speaking of diet, I've been kicking ass these past couple days. Gone are morning muffins. Welcome are all fruit and dried green-machine smoothies. I already feel leaner.

******

Work-out rundown (last week. previous week is too far gone). If you are looking for athletic inspiration, you won't find it here. Don't laugh, please.

Monday: um, no lifting. 45 minutes random and boring cardio
Tuesday: um, no lifting...or cardio
Wednesday: jeesh, overslept, again, missed spinning. Repentance 6 mile run (with great time...still got it)
Thursday: got it? like major muscle woes. No cardio, but lots of yoga.
Friday: spinning, lifting, walking, whew
Saturday: lots of walking, all over town
Sunday: 5 mile run. Ouch.

*******

What did I tell you? It ain't pretty. This week will be better. Much.

Next up: letting it all hang out, or, how my girl found out how much I way and my reaction.

change

2006-02-15T10:26:00.000-05:00

I am so sick of myself that I need to take Liz anti-biotics. I am sick of overeating. Sick of not running. Sick of not going to the gym to get some exercise, ANY exercise, just because I'm too busy pouting over not running and overeating. I am sick of worrying about my girl and wondering if she thinks I am fat. I am sick of worrying about school and feeling stuck and wanting to change but sitting here, looking at everything in my life and in the world that I want to change and feeling so overwhelmed that I just go back to bed and watch another episode of Fat Actress.

Sick of it, I tell you.

My self-indulgent, woe-is-me, attitude and behavior has GOT TO STOP. I miss routine. I miss running every morning and eating whole grains and salads and feeling healthy and fit and in control of my world. I want that back, now.

And an ex-girlfriend is coming to visit tomorrow and I'm feeling bloated and fat and out of shape and sad.

Whining will stop. Feeling sorry for myself will stop. I will live the way I want to, I will make these changes happen.

Thank you all for your thoughts on my girl and me. I want to address a couple of points.

1) Waiting till things are "better": this still makes sense to me. I'm trying to think through my responses to perceived problems before addressing them with her. I want things with her to be good. And I've found that by holding back a little of my criticism, things blow over, and actually aren't a big deal, and we are better because of it. You know? We can choose to have a good evening or a bad one. I choose good.

And I really don't want to decide how I feel about myself based on someone else's perception of me. I want my feelings of awesomeness to come from within, not from my, gulp, girlfriend.

2) This issue is her issue: You all are right on, for two reason. 1) She lost a lot of weight over the past year, and is currently losing more because of an illness. I think she is worried that when she puts on weight after getting better, I won't like her anymore. Which, of course, isn't true. I'm looking forward to her getting stronger and better. 2) She is butch. She typically likes femmes. I am neither butch or femme. By commenting on my strength, I think she is trying to make sense of me, like: ok, this girl is stronger than me, but I can still objectify her and maybe it's kinda hot that she can hold me down??. Ahem. I challenge her in many ways, one of which is my physical prowess. Your comments got it: she's trying to figure me out by putting us both in specific roles.

We've hung out the past couple of days, and there was no negative commenting about my body. We had a great anti-valentines day celebration. Full of homemade pumpkin pasta with basil and pine-nut pesto, arugala salad with pears, pecans, and homemade raspberry dressing, and homemade vanilla cookies with chocolate icing and a chocolate chip on top...to imitate a breast, of course. All cooked by me.

She gave me a card with a picture of Wittgenstein on the front, and inside she wrote, "will you be my Wittgenstein?" Get it?
***********
Gym report will be coming, someday. I don't want to face that music. My foot is feeling better, sort of. I don't want to face that music either.

hot

2006-02-11T10:42:00.000-05:00

Reaction, over done. Everything is fine, I think. I don't think she meant those comments in a negative way. I think that she does like my size. The issue is, duh, ME. *I* don't like my size. Granted, she does not need to make these comments as they do upset me. But, ultimately, the problem is me. She is obviously very into me, and I really like her. I do not, however, like myself too much, these days. And this is where my problem lies. I need to revel in my own awesomeness, take back my diet, keep up the non-running workouts, get some g-d-damned school work done, and build up my self esteem. With this re-found sense of awesomeness, I will be able to talk with her more directly and objectively about these comments. Because, deep down, I know that I'm attractive and not fat and quite the catch and, well hot shit.

Thank you Zara and PW for your insights and suggestions. I really appreciate the feedback and I am looking for other perspectives on the situation. I haven't brought this up with my non-electronic friends because I don't really talk about my weight struggles in real life. But maybe I should. I don't know, this new girl has really flipped me around and turned me inside out. She has a significant impact on me and my life and, frankly, I'm looking for ways out. It's intense. But I have to remember. I am hot shit. I can take it.

I love rest days. I'll update my gym progress tomorrow.

big

2006-02-09T23:18:00.000-05:00

The good news is that I did not eat the 3 muffins, 2 cupcakes, and the bag of cashews this evening that I wanted to eat. The bad news is that I have not been as disciplined the past, oh, solid two weeks. The situation is looking bad. I'm looking bad. I'm feeling worse.

And the girl I'm seeing doesn't help matters any. It seems like every time she opens her mouth she is commenting on my looks, or lack thereof. I present a list of her references to my body:

amazon, big, big-headed, fertile, soft, strong....

I think this is it. I'm too upset to remember. I want to cry but I'm making myself try not to care.

She asked me while we were falling asleep how I got to be this big. She told me I was strong, but not strong, muscle-y, and skinny. Strong and big. She refers to my "big head" constantly. She compares our sizes. She is, of course, much smaller.

I don't say anything. She will say that she likes me big, or something similar. And I want to crawl into a hole and die. I don't want to be perceived that way. I don't want to be the big one. I haven't said anything to her for two reasons. First, I can't really get mad at her, she's just calling it like she sees me. I AM big. But I don't want to be seen this way. Second, I don't want to let her know how much these comments hurt me. Doing so would make me vulnerable to her in way that I'm not ready for.

But they bother me. Why is she saying this? Does she want me to lose weight? She acts attracted to me. Isn't an Other supposed to make a One feel *good* about themselves? NO woman, in the history of dieting, wants to be the big one. I'm at the point where I want to stop seeing her. I'm trying to let it go because she is great and we are great. Who is missing from this list? Yeah, me, I'm not great, not great at all. Do I bring it up? Do I hope this is a phase that I will snap out of? Maybe once I start running and eating healthy and feeling skinny(er) again I won't care that she makes these comments? The comments have noticeably increased since my not-running and over-eating days. Isn't this bad?

I'm in a borderline scary depressive place now. School sucks. I haven't been doing my work. I have been hiding in my room, too overwhelmed to get out of bed. And eating my way through it all. Why am I doing this? I finally met somebody I like. I've been trying to meet somebody I like for a long time. Why am I sabotaging it?
*************
Edited: OK, I remembered two other questionable instances. One: she also referred to me as "wide." Two, she chided me for not going to spinning Wednesday morning. To contextualize, I decided not to go to spinning because I was still awake when the alarm went off. I was still awake because she woke me up, an hour after I fell asleep, because her shoulder hurt. I couldn't fall back asleep. I went to spinning.

I did not, however, make it to class this morning. I slept in.

love

2006-02-06T09:16:00.000-05:00

To run, or not to run, is no longer the question. The question, like all good questions, presupposes and anticipates the answer. The answer is a most resounding and forceful NO. No running this week either. I think I'm looking at a solid month of recovery.

To be clear, this SUCKS.

So I didn't run at all last week. Even though I wanted to. Even though I am stressed and sad and antsy. I didn't run. And what I feared most happened. As I lost my running focus, I lost all other focus. I only went to the gym once last week.

This will change. I have to dedicate myself to activity, no matter what form this takes. Even though running is my one true love. I might have lost my true love for a month, but losing it doesn't mean that I can't date around and see what else is out there. Spinning, 4x per week. And I will try cross-training on the elliptical and see how the foot does.

Unfortunately, I haven't practiced yoga in about a month. My foot just couldn't support me without the help of my orthopedics. BUT! The good news is that I went to yoga last night! It was so super super great. The class was so warm and receiving and it turns out that most of the women there are ex-runners or forever injured runners. We did a little series of postures in honor of my foot. And I cried with our closing meditation. The foot was sore and burning last night, but was pain-free this morning.

I need moderation. I need to *ease* back into everything. My tendency is to throw myself into activity. I love it and it makes me really happy. Hence, a plan.

Sunday: spinning and yoga
Monday/Wednesday/Friday: spinning, lifting upper body, *easy* yoga at home
Tuesday/Thursday: try cross training, lift legs, pilates
Saturday: rest

I will stretch and massage my foot before getting out of bed. I will ice it. I *will* fight my way back to running health.

I can't imagine life without running. So while I anticipate not being able to run for a month, I can't fully grasp that concept. I'm taking it week by week.

This injury has me (not) running scared. Sometimes it is sore. Sometimes it tingles. Sometimes is *burns*. I really need to see a doctor. But I have the shittest of shitty health insurance. No, really, mines is worse. I'm a graduate student at a Catholic university. You do the math. I can't imagine how I could pay for all the care this foot would require. I could ask my parents. But I really don't want them to support me.

Thank you all for your supportive comments. I need them! I'm not posting here very often. I'm feeling exposed and am going through some major head banging changes. I am, however, reading everybody's blog. Even if I don't comment that often.

commit

2006-01-31T11:36:00.000-05:00

I, liz with chaos, do solemnly swear to not go running for a week. That means until next Tuesday.

My foot, or should I say feet, hurt. Bad. The usual PF with the left. And some bizarro spontaneous bruise/internal bleeding in my right. I think because I was seriously overcompensating for the weak left foot. So, that's it. No running for (at least!) a week. I will spin (seated, of course), stretch, and massage injured areas. I will rest. I can think of a million reasons why I should run. And one big one why I shouldn't: life-long running health. This won't be an easy trip. I'm downright scared of what this week will bring. But I commit. To not running. For a week.

I was pain free this morning. Felt good. Real good. To walk. Instead of hobble.

ten

2006-01-21T14:41:00.000-05:00

A thousand tiny things. Equals one held life. Pulled together this week. Living as if life has always been this, right here, this moment of eating and moving with dignity. I eat with pleasure. Healthy, for the most part. But with CG and dates and introductions to friends there is lots of beer, wine, and eating out. No binging. Exercise comes. But doesn't demand. Two complete rest days last week. My foot hurts, despite the repose. Food and exercise just aren't on my mind these days. Hence, a lack of posting.

But, but. Been weighing myself daily for about a week (not with intent. With curiosity). Coming in between 150-155. Who knew that beer, eating out, and rest would help me release a few pounds?

All of life is not so together. CG is rocky. School is hard. My friends are challenging.

I'm not sure how I got here. But I accept it.

hello

2006-01-13T09:58:00.000-05:00

Really, I should just feed every email that CG and I exchange. She asks such good questions. Yesterday, she asked me why I liked to cook.
My answer:

1. Cooking, for me, is one of the most tangible, practical ways that the whole is more than a sum of its parts. On the one hand, cooking is science. It's precision and measurements and chemistry. That is, cooking has a concreteness and a particularity that I am drawn to and that feels lacking in other parts of my life (hard to believe, I know). On the other hand, cooking is so not about the particular and calls for creativity and zest and spirit. Food takes on energy. And things that I cook taste differently according to my mood and thoughts.

2. I like taking care of people. Cooking is a tangible way to do that.

3. I like doing something else than thinking. Cooking, as aforementioned, calls for feeling and intuition. Specially when one fore goes recipes. Creativity and impulse rule.

4. I like the connection to historical femininity/woman. I love tweaking my grandma's recipes to be vegan and socially and environmentally conscious. This is decidedly postmodern. And a rejection of consumer culture that suggests I should only eat, I don't know, Slimfast, or some other pre-packaged substance that is not really "food." So it's about getting back to basics. But these basics are radically altered, of course.

5. The materiality of it. I like getting my hands in there, scooping out squash seeds and squishing dough through my fingers. It's sensual.

6. It feels subversive. Popular modern discourse suggests that women should distance ourselves from food and eating. I like challenging that.

**************

I've felt out of touch with myself for the past couple of days. I'm sitting next to myself, but I can't quite make the connection. I meditated this morning, which helped, but I'm still feeling a little down and removed. I've been mindlessly eating and am feeling puffy as a result. Why am I doing this at the start of something with this amazing woman? My foot really is getting worse, it definitely hurts this morning. I haven't practiced yoga since Sunday because I don't want to aggravate it anymore than necessary. But the lack of yoga takes its revenge on my mood and sense of self.

***************

Monday: spinning and lifting
Tuesday: running, 6 miles
Wednesday: spinning and lifting
Thursday: running, 7 miles
Friday: spinning, lifting, meditation, and hopefully some yoga

count

2006-01-11T08:40:00.000-05:00

CG (otherwise known as the Clicked Girl) asked me a really good question in the midst of our flirty emails back and forth all day yesterday. Background: I messed my knee up in college by a nasty fall. She saw the scar a couple days ago. She said:

How often/how long do you run anymore? Is your knee totally better? What do you like about it?

I said:

--Um, every other day, or so. Usually around 6 miles. Totally. Though now my foot is giving me grief.

1. Everything
2. It's my job to sit on my butt and use my head. I like not doing that sometimes
3. Clears my head, helps me focus and see clearly
4. Fresh air
5. Listening to music
6. Endorphins
7. Drinking beer and eating dessert without worrying whether my jeans will fit me
tomorrow
8. Focus on breath and sweat and pace
9. The cool clothes

"Oh running, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways"?* It was fun making this list. But ultimately makes me more frustrated by my foot. Which I am currently icing, thank you very much.

*butchered from Elizabeth Barrett Browning

I made the best quick dinner for myself last night. I put some broccoli, mushrooms, kale, and tofu into some water to steam/boil. Once it was cooked through, I added some brown rice miso and almond butter. Instant delicious meal.

date

2006-01-09T09:24:00.000-05:00

Silence. Brain, stopped. Moving through my days in a ridiculous haze of routine, stress, and a new girl. All of which challenge me in different ways. My thoughts have been far, far away from diet and exercise. But things have been good, in an auto-pilot kind of way.

I'm running. My foot still hurts. But I love my Ipod. To answer Mich's question, I prefer to run outdoors. By "prefer" I mean I would rather not eat chocolate for the rest of my life than run on a treadmill. But sometimes I do hit the 'mill: namely, when I try to do "speed" workouts. Which used to be once a week. But "speed" hurts my foot. So I replaced that workout with a spinning workout instead. I need new outdoor loops. I currently have variations on two themes: 1) running in and through Center City. 2) running in and through the Park. New loops might involve driving to another park or neighborhood. Why drive when I can roll out of bed and workout? Change of pace. And Hills. I am so sea-level. My butt gets zero work. But my thighs are like skyscrapers of strength.

I'm lifting. I am slowly, very slowly, building my strength back to where it was before my Thanksgiving back injury. I'm still not at the same weights I was. But I'm not sure that I will go back there. It could just be too much for me to handle.

I'm practicing yoga. These days, even yoga hurts my foot. So I try not to practice on the same days that I run. I love to practice, I can't give it up. I had such a great cry during yesterday's session. How can I lose that?

Tuesday: ran 1 hr. Ashtanga yoga.
Wednesday: spinning, lifting, vinyasa yoga.
Thursday: ran 6 miles
Friday: spinning, lifting, walking round town with my date.
Saturday: total, complete, beautiful indulgence. NO running, no lifting, no spinning, no yoga, no veggies. Man, what a great day.
Sunday: ran 8ish miles, Ashtanga yoga.
Monday: spinning and lifting

***************

All is not perfect with the new girl. She's amazing. We are great together. But there are problems. For the purposes of this space, there is one problem. She called me "bulky." Yep, she did. I think she meant that I am bigger than her, size wise. It's true, I am. She's 5'2" and petite. And she's butch, so I think her masculinity is threatened by my physical prowess. So I don't think that she intended to be hurtful or mean, but comments like that don't help with my self-esteem. And I start thinking that I should try to lose more weight. But even if I was a size 10, I would still be "bulky." That's just how I'm built. So....yeah. But at the same time, she also tells me that I'm gorgeous. I don't know how to read it. But I'm on the look-out for future problems.

signs

2006-01-02T19:21:00.000-05:00

What a trip to read those old posts. I don't feel like that woman anymore. I barely recognize that voice as mine. I've changed this year. And for that, I am proud. But I still don't know where to go next, what I should tackle this year. Last year's challenges emerged in process. Maybe this year's challenges will do the same.

Speaking of emerging (weak, I know. But, come on, I needed a transition!), all is well with clicked woman. She clicked, too. We clicked. It's been really fun and crazy and scary and exciting. We have an intense energy together that I can't account for intellectually. And that scares the shit out of me. I see warning signs for future problems and am not sure of anything now except that I want to see her again. But for now I am trying to relax and enjoy the tidal wave of us.

Man, I've been on a good path in terms of my eating and exercise as well.

Friday: spinning, lifting, candle-light yoga at home
Saturday: ran 8ish miles. Ipod, I love you. Danced away the night to an electronic beat. My girls, I love you all.
Sunday: patted myself on the back for escaping a hangover. Ran/walked for an hour. Walked around town with date.
Monday: since I didn't go to bed till 3am (see aforementioned un-intellectual energy) I didn't make it to spinning. I did make an hour long run through the city. And the weight room.

embrace

2006-01-01T09:21:00.000-05:00

A year down.

It's been over a year since I lost any weight. Progress? Appears to be zero. I was feeling depressed about my seeming lack-of-progress. That familiar internal dialogue, noticing a break in my positive armor, started rubbing and rubbing against it, till the whole damn thing ripped. Leaving sparks and dust and smoke in its' wake.

OK, so it wasn't really that dramatic. Scene: Liz's head. Size 10 pants in one corner. But the corner is dark and scary and filled with binge cycles and self-loathing. Size 12 pants in opposing corner. Size 12 corner is light, some cobwebs in corners, but no huge binges sitting around.

But then I went back to last January's archives and found a post that speaks to changes I have made. Changes that exist without the recognizable drop in pounds.

I wrote:

Like how all I want to do is eat and eat and eat till I can't eat no more.

Or maybe how empty I feel, right now, and all the time. Empty imagining yet another struggle to get through a binge. Empty as yet another paper sucks all my attention and creativity dry. Empty like how powerless I feel, confronting all these negative patterns and thoughts and behaviors in my life. That I can't seem to ever change.

This was me, a year ago. And I can say with certainty that this is no longer me. I still overeat. But I rarely flat out binge. And when I do flat out binge, I'm not afraid or ashamed of myself anymore. I have perspective and am able to see binging as a behavior choice and pattern.
I don't feel empty or powerless anymore. To the contrary, I feel incredibly power*ful*. How did I confront my self-loathing? How did I take an honest look in the mirror and accept the woman reflected back? Joining a gym had a lot to do with it, methinks. It's good for me to be around other folks that like exercise and aren't super-models. Yoga, Yoga, Yoga. Taught me to embrace myself. And a special shout out to Mich, who never fails to call me on my shit.

And ended up making out with A BOY for a better part of the evening.

Not terribly shocking. Except that I'm a dyke. But that's for another blog.

I find this funny. Pattern not broken. Except that I get the connection between wanting to write about my attraction to boys in this space.

A major stress that is actually related to weight loss: I'm supposed to get together with someone I haven't seen in a very long time this weekend.

Fear confronted and released. I no longer worry about seeing people I haven't seen in a while. It is what it is.

What bugs me more than the 20 extra I'm carrying around is that I CARE that I'm carrying it. Jeez! I'm an academic. I'm in my head. I'm a feminist. I condemn and deconstruct fascist beauty standards. And I do. I have a shaved head. Piercings. Tattoos. I wear old clothes. But, I still want to be hot. Hot to my kind, at least. Hot in a hairy armpits kind of way. And sizism is alive and thriving in feminist and lesbian communities. We don't talk about it. But maybe we should.

Honestly, I'm not sure I will ever feel completely hot. But what I see now is that my perceived lack-of-hotness is not a reflection of the way I look but the way that I feel about myself. I would question my hotness no matter what my weight.
But I do feel attractive. I date and ask women out and flirt with the idea of flirting with men.

Why do I have so much self-doubt and self-sabotage around every corner?
Is "why" even the right questions?
How do I get over caring about the weight?

I doubt and sabotage when I am out of touch with myself. When I turn against myself. Yoga, blogging, gym friends, and running give me a generous spirit.
No, "why" is NOT the right question. How. Ask, "how."
I decided to get over it. Simple and elusive as that.

Happy New Year. Here's to great strides in the past year. And to looking ahead. I am so proud of how far I came this year. Next, I will focus on next year's questions and goals.

click

2005-12-29T08:35:00.000-05:00

I clicked. But did she? Am I too pushy, bossy, fat, and self-absorbed for her?

*********

Lifting, spinning, and yoga yesterday. The yoga practice was amazing. We had a substitute teacher. He moved class very slowly. At first I was disappointed, thinking that I wouldn't get into a good flow if we didn't pick up the pace a little. Click. The slight slow down completely absorbed me. I focused intently on my breathe and form. While I haven't made significant progress in poses, I felt strong, confident, and graceful. Just the vibe I need before embarking on a first date.

Click. My foot feels better. It's the running that aggravates it. It's the running I love.

Click. I did not eat cookies all night. I did almost burn down the apartment steaming broccoli.

intro

2005-12-27T15:59:00.000-05:00

My foot still hurts.

I got a massage on Saturday and it was amazing. She worked my foot really well and said that something is definitely off. Some tendon/band thing is enlarged. She also attributes my shoulder/back thing to over-compensating for weak feet.

Healing, 101

semi-rest. This means I will not do my usual Wednesday runs. I will spin instead. I will only do ONE run longer than 1 hr a week.

Ice. And lots of it.

Ibuprofen.

If she's not healed in a couple of weeks, to the doctor I will go.

In other news, I retreat from the holidays feeling flabby and out of shape. I begin the new year wanting to change this. We'll see how/if this plays out. For now, not eating cookies ALL NIGHT long would be a significant improvement.

In other, other news. I dyed my hair! Red!

Changes are in the air. And on my head. Perhaps also in my diet?

2005-12-23T22:11:00.000-05:00

Date was as bad as a first date can be. One day. I will click with another? Though Mother Dearest just told me that she named me after Queen Elizabeth. M.D. thinks the Queen was hot because she never married. The Queen never married because she never wanted to compromise her power. Then M.D. said, "That is you." But I don't *want* that to be me. I have this strong independent woman thing down. Pat. I'm ready for what's next.

Thursday: ran, 9 kicking miles!
Friday: ran 5ish miles

My sister and I were supposed to run together this morning. My sister, as I've mentioned here before, is tiny. She runs pretty regularly. But I log much, MUCH more time on the road and in the gym. And many, MANY more miles. But today, when we ran together, she left me in her dust. I found this incredibly frustrating, because I train so much harder than she does. But, still, she dusted me. I attribute this dusting to the difference between our sizes, of course. I finished the run, in her dust, in a good time nonetheless.

My foot still hurts.

Massage tomorrow!

short

2005-12-21T09:27:00.000-05:00

Whoops, this would be my blog, neglected. In general, I'm feeling really on top of taking care of myself. I've moved a lot this week, eaten well, and felt good. Wait a minute, actually my self esteem took a huge blow when I approached someone who flat out rejected me. Seeing as she knew nothing about me, I can only suppose that her rejection was due to my looks. Ouch. But up and on. With a date this evening.

Saturday: ran 9ish miles, lifted in the evening. Gym was packed. Who knew that Saturday night at the gym is the place to be?

Sunday: ran 9ish miles. With lots of walking breaks. But it was such great weather, I wanted to be outside. Light, light yoga in the evening. Regular class was cancelled. About 1/2 hour.

Monday: lifting, spinning. Great class, legs felt rested after easy run on Sunday

Tuesday: ran 1 hr. Lungs hurt from ridiculous cold. Yoga.*

Wednesday: spinning, light lifting, no shoulders*

*By "yoga" I do not refer to my usual yoga practice. We did 108 sun salutations for Yoga Mala (a fundraising class). 108 sun salutations. We usually do, oh, 10. 108. In traditional Ashtanga practice, one is supposed to do a salutations only practice around the new moon and solstices because the practice is supposed to produce deep meditation, release (emotional and physical) toxins, and, if you are lucky, make the practitioner hallucinate. I slipped into a deep meditative state and brought to the surface (and worked through) a lot of physical and emotional pain. But, damn, no hallucinations. The class was packed at the start. *Two* *hours* later there were 4 of us left. I am so glad I got through it. Most studios, in my short and ill-informed experience, do not offer these classes. But, oh, how worth it.

I will, however, be sore for the rest of my life. Consequently, I did not lift shoulders today.

did

2005-12-16T21:38:00.000-05:00

Holy mother of graduate school. Who knew I could actually produce work and turn it in? Paper (30 pgs). Done. Exams (18). Graded. I am so pleased about the paper. The fact that it is done is to be celebrated. The fact that I feel proud and excited about my work is to be shocked beyond belief.

I've been on the computer so much that I actually dislocated the "enter" key.

I did not practice yoga last night.

I did not go the gym today.

I did not eat any recognizable meals today. I did drink coffee and a latte and eat after the work was done.

I did not change out of my jammies or take a shower until.....6:30 this evening.

I did turn the paper in a day late. Does this make me a bad person? Considering my track record, isn't the fact that I did anything commendable? No?

I was feeling so bold after turning in the paper that I actually went up to a very cute woman in my coffee shop and asked her out. And she gave me her number.

I did rent a trashy movie that I am too embarrassed to admit to renting. My brain hurts.

I am worried about my shoulder/back thing. It feels like my right shoulder/back is actually dislocated, it feels so out of place and sore compared to the left side. What's up with this? How can I fix it?

I did book a massage appointment for next week.

1 (paper) down. 2 to go.

New goal: write a paper without the assistance of near constant eating. Except the last day, during which I eat nothing.

Vodka. Tonic.

work

2005-12-15T13:49:00.000-05:00

I've said it before. I'll say it again. I am full of crap. Er, chaos, chaos. That's it.

I am eating my way through this paper. After I was of so full of it a couple days ago. Granted, I'm not binge eating my way through this paper. In that I'm not secretly eating huge quantities of food only to feel massively guilty about it later. But I have pretty much constantly had food in my mouth since Tuesday morning. Now I'm on baby carrots. Just finished a muffin.

Considering that I want to keep at this job for a long time, I need to find a way through this problem. Now I am finishing my paper. And moving onto a snack bar.

Tuesday: ran 1 hour; practiced yoga
Wednesday: ran 7ish miles, lifted
Thursday: ran 5ish miles. Maybe yoga tonight.

If I get my paper done and get a decent start on grading.

two

2005-12-14T10:45:00.000-05:00

Liz. Liz. Earth to.

Repeat after me. Eating chocolate and a cupcake and dried cherries late at night, after a week of clean eating, will screw with your blood sugar levels and you will wake up lethargic and depressed.

It wasn't a binge. It was stressed graving gone overboard.

And I felt hung over when I woke up this morning. I can't eat that crap that late anymore. I did not run this morning. But the day isn't over yet.

I am frustrated with myself. I had this EXACT same experience a week or two ago. What happening to learning from my mistakes? Hm?

Coffee. Paper. Forgiveness.